SNL Transcripts: Rodney Dangerfield: 03/08/80: Rodney’s Dressing Room


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 13

79m: Rodney Dangerfield / The J. Geils Band

Rodney’s Dressing Room

…..Rodney Dangerfield
…..Father Guido Sarducci
…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Rodney Dangerfield seated in his dressing room, smoking a cigarette as he practices his lines ] [ a knock at the door ]

Rodney Dangerfield: Uh — come in!

[ Father Guido Sarducci enters the dressing room with a robe draped over his shoulder ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Hello, Mr. Dangerfield.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh. Hello, Father. How are you? It’s good to see you.

[ they shake hands ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Now, listen — I’m just coming by to say Hello to you —

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah?

Father Guido Sarducci: And I wanted to tell you that I really respect you — I have ALL kinds of respect for you.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? Thanks very much, Father. I’m flattered! That’s really nice. No kidding, you know?

Father Guido Sarducci: How’s everything a-going?

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh! Very —

Father Guido Sarducci: They treating you well?

Rodney Dangerfield: They’re treating me like a PRINCE here! It’s really beautiful, you know? Really nice, you know?

Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, uh, I’m-a not-a holding you up, am I?

Rodney Dangerfield: Well… I got a little time to myself — I was gonna look over the script, the show starts in a few minutes. I was gonna go over a few things, that’s all.

Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, you know — I wanted to ask you a favor, if you wouldn’t mind?

Rodney Dangerfield: Yeah?

Father Guido Sarducci: They put me in-a this-a dressing room over here with three other fellows, and it’s-a really crowded in-a there. And, I was wondering — you know, if you didn’t mind — if I could share this dressing room with you. You know, just if it’s okay with you, of course.

Rodney Dangerfield: Well… gee… it’s not really very big in here. There’s not too much room, you know?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… that’s okay, we can manage. I don’t mind.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah?

[ Sarducci shoves Dangerfield’s clothes down the rack ]

Father Guido Sarducci: I’m gonna put your stuff down this side, okay?

Rodney Dangerfield: Okay… yeah. I’m just gonna look at this script here real quick, you know?

[ a knock at the door ]

Father Guido Sarducci: I’ll get it.

Rodney Dangerfield: Okay. Right.

[ Sarducci opens the door to allow entry for Jane Curtin ]

Jane Curtin: Oh, good, you’re here. I’ve been looking all over for you.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I had to change dressing rooms. It’s a long story, believe me.

Jane Curtin: Hi, Rodney! How are you!

Rodney Dangerfield: Jane! How are you? How are you? There’s a few changes, I’m just going over it.

Jane Curtin: Ahhh! Okay. [ to Sarducci ] Uh… Father and a guy showed up.

Father Guido Sarducci: He did? Well, good. You got it, huh?

Jane Curtin: Yeah. But I had to put up the whole two-hundred myself. If you want half, I’m gonna have to get fifty from you now.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… do you think, maybe, I could give it to you next week or sometime? Will that be okay?

Jane Curtin: [ shaking her head ] No… I need it now.

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I only got a hundred-dollar bill. Can you… change a hundred?

Jane Curtin: No, I can’t. Look — why don’t you give ME the hundred, and I’ll owe you fifty?

Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, Mr. Dangerfield? Can you break a hundred-dollar bill for me, please? It’s very important.

Rodney Dangerfield: Uh — I only got about fifty, sixty bucks on me.

Father Guido Sarducci: Uh — can I borrow fifty from you?

Rodney Dangerfield: [ counting his money ] I got $52 here on me —

Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I don’t need the whole thing. The fifty would be fine.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? Alright…

Father Guido Sarducci: [ taking the fifty ] Thank you very much, I appreciate it.

Rodney Dangerfield: Okay… right… right…

[ the phone rings ]

Father Guido Sarducci: [ to Jane ] There.

Rodney Dangerfield: [ answering the phone ] Yes? Yes, it is. Who? Okay. Jane! Jane, it’s for you.

Jane Curtin: Oh! [ taking the phone ] Hello? Yeah. Yeah, I got the money…

[ a knock at the door ]

Father Guido Sarducci: I’ll get it.

[ an Italian family enters the room, to Sarducci’s delight ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, uh, Mr. Dangerfield! These are some friends I want you to meet!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh?

Father Guido Sarducci: Their nephew is-a gonna be on the show with me tonight, from Italy!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh?

Father Guido Sarducci: And I told them they could watch the show from my dressing room.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh… sure.

Father Guido Sarducci: I told them you wouldn’t mind.

Rodney Dangerfield: Nah!

Father Guido Sarducci: This is Gabriella Pollino —

Rodney Dangerfield: Good to see ya’.

Father Guido Sarducci: This is her husband, Ron Pollino —

Rodney Dangerfield: Nice to see you, Sir.

Father Guido Sarducci: This little girl, her name is-a Gabriela. That’s their granddaughter. She’s-a named for the grandmother. Same name!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah…

Father Guido Sarducci: And this is Mr. Pollino’s brother. His name is Mr. Moo Mamou.

Rodney Dangerfield: Good to see ya’. Well, I tell ya’ — I got a lot of stuff to go over here, you know what I mean?

Father Guido Sarducci: Yeah, I bet you never met anybody named Gabriela before, am I right?

Rodney Dangerfield: No. No, never, never.

Father Guido Sarducci: And I’ll bet, for sure, you never met-a TWO Gabrielas in-a the same day! Right?

Rodney Dangerfield: I-I never met one in one MONTH, to tell you the truth, you know?

[ the old woman begins to speak about Dangerfield to Sarducci in Italian, confusing him for Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon, until they recognize Sarducci’s impression of Dangerfield’s “No Respect” routine ]

Father Guido Sarducci: He says they think that they saw you once!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? Listen, I think the show’s gonna start pretty soon. I mean, how do I know when I’m supposed to go on? I don’t know, you know what I mean?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, you can tell because it comes-a on this television set.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? But the television’s not turned on!

Father Guido Sarducci: I’ll get it for you.

Rodney Dangerfield: Alright…

[ Dangerfield sits next to Jane on the couch, as Sarducci turns the TV on to reveal a close-up of Dangerfield’s face ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, look! Mr. Dangerfield! That’s YOU!

[ the Italian family becomes excited and repeats Dangerfield’s routine ]

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey! What am I supposed to do?!

Jane Curtin: Oh, look, Rodney — it’s right here in your script, come on. [ she flips through his script ] Let me see, wait a second… um… Okay, Sarducci enters… [ she flips the pages ] Um… a phone call… [ she flips the pages ] Paternas and Mr. Marou… [ she flips pages ] Sarducci turns on the TV set… [ she flips the pages ] I help you find your place in the script… [ she flips the pages ] Oh, yeah! Here it is, here it is right here.

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah! Okay! [ reading from his script as he looks at the camera ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

[ the opening montage plays on the TV set, until it dissolves to full-screen mode ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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