Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 13
Rodney’s Dressing Room
…..Father Guido Sarducci
[ open on Rodney Dangerfield seated in his dressing room, smoking a cigarette as he practices his lines ] [ a knock at the door ]
Rodney Dangerfield: Uh — come in![ Father Guido Sarducci enters the dressing room with a robe draped over his shoulder ]
Father Guido Sarducci: Hello, Mr. Dangerfield.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh. Hello, Father. How are you? It’s good to see you.
Father Guido Sarducci: Now, listen — I’m just coming by to say Hello to you —
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah?
Father Guido Sarducci: And I wanted to tell you that I really respect you — I have ALL kinds of respect for you.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? Thanks very much, Father. I’m flattered! That’s really nice. No kidding, you know?
Father Guido Sarducci: How’s everything a-going?
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh! Very —
Father Guido Sarducci: They treating you well?
Rodney Dangerfield: They’re treating me like a PRINCE here! It’s really beautiful, you know? Really nice, you know?
Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, uh, I’m-a not-a holding you up, am I?
Rodney Dangerfield: Well… I got a little time to myself — I was gonna look over the script, the show starts in a few minutes. I was gonna go over a few things, that’s all.
Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, you know — I wanted to ask you a favor, if you wouldn’t mind?
Rodney Dangerfield: Yeah?
Father Guido Sarducci: They put me in-a this-a dressing room over here with three other fellows, and it’s-a really crowded in-a there. And, I was wondering — you know, if you didn’t mind — if I could share this dressing room with you. You know, just if it’s okay with you, of course.
Rodney Dangerfield: Well… gee… it’s not really very big in here. There’s not too much room, you know?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well… that’s okay, we can manage. I don’t mind.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah?[ Sarducci shoves Dangerfield’s clothes down the rack ]
Father Guido Sarducci: I’m gonna put your stuff down this side, okay?
Rodney Dangerfield: Okay… yeah. I’m just gonna look at this script here real quick, you know?[ a knock at the door ]
Father Guido Sarducci: I’ll get it.
Rodney Dangerfield: Okay. Right.[ Sarducci opens the door to allow entry for Jane Curtin ]
Jane Curtin: Oh, good, you’re here. I’ve been looking all over for you.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I had to change dressing rooms. It’s a long story, believe me.
Jane Curtin: Hi, Rodney! How are you!
Rodney Dangerfield: Jane! How are you? How are you? There’s a few changes, I’m just going over it.
Jane Curtin: Ahhh! Okay. [ to Sarducci ] Uh… Father and a guy showed up.
Father Guido Sarducci: He did? Well, good. You got it, huh?
Jane Curtin: Yeah. But I had to put up the whole two-hundred myself. If you want half, I’m gonna have to get fifty from you now.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well… do you think, maybe, I could give it to you next week or sometime? Will that be okay?
Jane Curtin: [ shaking her head ] No… I need it now.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I only got a hundred-dollar bill. Can you… change a hundred?
Jane Curtin: No, I can’t. Look — why don’t you give ME the hundred, and I’ll owe you fifty?
Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, Mr. Dangerfield? Can you break a hundred-dollar bill for me, please? It’s very important.
Rodney Dangerfield: Uh — I only got about fifty, sixty bucks on me.
Father Guido Sarducci: Uh — can I borrow fifty from you?
Rodney Dangerfield: [ counting his money ] I got $52 here on me —
Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I don’t need the whole thing. The fifty would be fine.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? Alright…
Father Guido Sarducci: [ taking the fifty ] Thank you very much, I appreciate it.
Rodney Dangerfield: Okay… right… right…[ the phone rings ]
Father Guido Sarducci: [ to Jane ] There.
Rodney Dangerfield: [ answering the phone ] Yes? Yes, it is. Who? Okay. Jane! Jane, it’s for you.
Jane Curtin: Oh! [ taking the phone ] Hello? Yeah. Yeah, I got the money…[ a knock at the door ]
Father Guido Sarducci: I’ll get it.[ an Italian family enters the room, to Sarducci’s delight ]
Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, uh, Mr. Dangerfield! These are some friends I want you to meet!
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh?
Father Guido Sarducci: Their nephew is-a gonna be on the show with me tonight, from Italy!
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh?
Father Guido Sarducci: And I told them they could watch the show from my dressing room.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh… sure.
Father Guido Sarducci: I told them you wouldn’t mind.
Rodney Dangerfield: Nah!
Father Guido Sarducci: This is Gabriella Pollino —
Rodney Dangerfield: Good to see ya’.
Father Guido Sarducci: This is her husband, Ron Pollino —
Rodney Dangerfield: Nice to see you, Sir.
Father Guido Sarducci: This little girl, her name is-a Gabriela. That’s their granddaughter. She’s-a named for the grandmother. Same name!
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah…
Father Guido Sarducci: And this is Mr. Pollino’s brother. His name is Mr. Moo Mamou.
Rodney Dangerfield: Good to see ya’. Well, I tell ya’ — I got a lot of stuff to go over here, you know what I mean?
Father Guido Sarducci: Yeah, I bet you never met anybody named Gabriela before, am I right?
Rodney Dangerfield: No. No, never, never.
Father Guido Sarducci: And I’ll bet, for sure, you never met-a TWO Gabrielas in-a the same day! Right?
Rodney Dangerfield: I-I never met one in one MONTH, to tell you the truth, you know?[ the old woman begins to speak about Dangerfield to Sarducci in Italian, confusing him for Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon, until they recognize Sarducci’s impression of Dangerfield’s “No Respect” routine ]
Father Guido Sarducci: He says they think that they saw you once!
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? Listen, I think the show’s gonna start pretty soon. I mean, how do I know when I’m supposed to go on? I don’t know, you know what I mean?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, you can tell because it comes-a on this television set.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah? But the television’s not turned on!
Father Guido Sarducci: I’ll get it for you.
Rodney Dangerfield: Alright…[ Dangerfield sits next to Jane on the couch, as Sarducci turns the TV on to reveal a close-up of Dangerfield’s face ]
Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, look! Mr. Dangerfield! That’s YOU![ the Italian family becomes excited and repeats Dangerfield’s routine ]
Rodney Dangerfield: Hey! What am I supposed to do?!
Jane Curtin: Oh, look, Rodney — it’s right here in your script, come on. [ she flips through his script ] Let me see, wait a second… um… Okay, Sarducci enters… [ she flips the pages ] Um… a phone call… [ she flips the pages ] Paternas and Mr. Marou… [ she flips pages ] Sarducci turns on the TV set… [ she flips the pages ] I help you find your place in the script… [ she flips the pages ] Oh, yeah! Here it is, here it is right here.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah! Okay! [ reading from his script as he looks at the camera ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”[ the opening montage plays on the TV set, until it dissolves to full-screen mode ]