Rodney Dangerfield’s Monologue

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Rodney Dangerfield’s Monologue

…..Rodney Dangerfield


Rodney Dangerfield: I’ll tell ta, I’m alright now but last week I was in rough shape, ya know? I mean, last week I looked up my family tree – I found out I’m the sap! I’ll tell ya, I can’t relax, you know?

Like the other night, I was in a place and I felt like having a few drinks.. I went over to the bartender, I said, “Surprise me!” He showed me a naked picture of my wife!

Yesterday was a beauty, too – yesterday. I asked a cabdriver: “Where could I get some action?” He took me to my house!

Yeah, I’ll ya, nothin’ goes right, you know? My sex life is nothin’ – my wife put me down for once a month.. put me down for once a month! Oh, I’m lucky – two guys I know, she cut out completely!

I’ll tell ya’, my wife never went for me, I’m not a sexy guy – I know I’m not sexy! What, this morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling! Are you kidding, I know I’m ugly – I stuck my head out the window, got arrested for mooning! I was an ugly kid, too – I had plenty of pimples. One day I fell asleep in the library, I woke up, a blind man was reading my face!

I’ll tell ya’, I went through plenty! Why, the first time I hitchhiked, I got beat up – I used the wrong finger! Well, that’s the story of my life – no respect! I don’t get no respect at all!

We’ll be right, back, okay!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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