Rodney Dangerfield’s Monologue
Rodney Dangerfield: I’ll tell ta, I’m alright now but last week I was in rough shape, ya know? I mean, last week I looked up my family tree – I found out I’m the sap! I’ll tell ya, I can’t relax, you know?
Like the other night, I was in a place and I felt like having a few drinks.. I went over to the bartender, I said, “Surprise me!” He showed me a naked picture of my wife!
Yesterday was a beauty, too – yesterday. I asked a cabdriver: “Where could I get some action?” He took me to my house!
Yeah, I’ll ya, nothin’ goes right, you know? My sex life is nothin’ – my wife put me down for once a month.. put me down for once a month! Oh, I’m lucky – two guys I know, she cut out completely!
I’ll tell ya’, my wife never went for me, I’m not a sexy guy – I know I’m not sexy! What, this morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling! Are you kidding, I know I’m ugly – I stuck my head out the window, got arrested for mooning! I was an ugly kid, too – I had plenty of pimples. One day I fell asleep in the library, I woke up, a blind man was reading my face!
I’ll tell ya’, I went through plenty! Why, the first time I hitchhiked, I got beat up – I used the wrong finger! Well, that’s the story of my life – no respect! I don’t get no respect at all!
We’ll be right, back, okay!