Dr. Shockley’s House of Sperm

Dr. Shockley’s House of Sperm

Husband…..Paul Shaffer
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Clerk…..Bill Murray
…..Rodney Dangerfield
Nurse…..Laraine Newman
Black Male Customer…..Garrett Morris
Black Female Customer…..Yvonne Hudson
Nazi…..Tom Davis
Man…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Rodney’s Wife…..Jane Curtin

[ open on couple entering sperm bank ]

Husband: I’m telling you – this is a waste of time and money. I am not sterile! You’re barren!

Wife: Now, don’t be defensive, honey. I mean, Dr. Rayburn did report that you had a zero sperm count.

Husband: I don’t understand.. how can it be zero?

Wife: God, I hate to go shopping with you!

[ phone rings; Clerk answers ]

Clerk: Dr. Shockley’s House of Sperm. No, we’re open 24 hours. Just bring in an a recent IQ test, or an SAT test.. something like that. Well, thnak you. Bye bye. [ hangs up ]

Wife: Hello, um.. my husband and I would like to have a child, but, unfortunately, my husband is sterile.

Husband: Honey, I’m not sterile!

Wife: Well, in any case.. we have a problem, and we’re unable to have children, and we thought we’d try the House of Sperm.

Clerk: Well, you’ve come to the right place. By far, we have the widest selection. I mean, much more than Gizz World, or Jelly Barn.. any of those places. What did you have in mind?

Husband: Well, uh.. assuming for the moment that I were, uh.. sterile.. what, uh.. and we did, you know.. need your product.. what, uh, what donor would you recommend?

Clerk: [ thinking ] Consider a.. a Nobel Prize winner, for example. We’ve got some Linus Pauling here. [ points to a sample below the case ]

Wife: Oh. Maybe, maybe, yeah..

Clerk: Yeah, an athletic kind of thing in mind, we’ve got Eric Hyden right here.. Here’s a very popular number, it’s very popular.. [ pulls out a full rack of vials ] This is the U.S. Olympic Hockey Team.

Wife: Hmm.. hmm.. uh, you know.. we were talking on the way over here, and we thought maybe it’d be nice to have a child with a really great sense of humor. You wouldn’t, by any chance, have some Rodney Dangerfield?

Clerk: Oh, yes! Very popular item. Let me see here.. [ looks around for some samples, but can’t seem to find any ] Oh.. oh.. well, I’m afraid that we’re all out of Rodney Dangerfield right now. But, actually, if you could ocme back tomorrow, I could re-order..

Wife: Oh.. I don’t know, we’ll think about it..

Clerk: Well, wait, just a second.. perhaps, if you’ll juat wait around for one or two minutes.. I’ll go in the back and check the stockroom, maybe there’s some Rodney Dangerfield back there, okay?

Wife: [ chipper ] Okay! Thank you!

[ Clerk slips into the back room ] [ cut to back room, where Rodney Dangerfield exits a small room and approaches the Nurse on duty ]

Nurse: Okay, Mr. Dangerfield, thanks for filling those orders, there’s your check.

Rodney Dangerfield: Okay, no problem, you know?

Clerk: [ now entering room ] Hi, Rodney! How’s it going?

Rodney Dangerfield: [ tired ] Okay, you know..

Clerk: Sorry to bother you, but, uh.. you don’t suppose you could, uh..

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, no, no.. not another one.. are you kidding? I can’t make it, forget about it, will ya? Not again!

Clerk: Rodney, Rodney, Rodney.. they’re selling like hotcakes! I mean, people just want funny kids nowadays.

Rodney Dangerfield: But I can’t! I’m not a kid any more, I’m getting old! Are you kidding me? I’m at the age now, when I squeeze into a parking space, I’m sexually satisfied! Are you kidding? I’m old! Why, in my back yard, I got a kidney-shaped pool with a stone in it, are you kidding? It’s rough!

Clerk: [ laughing ] That’s very funny, Rodney! But I’ll tell ya – there would be so much appreciation, and.. and.. and.. and.. affection, and.. hey.. respect, too! Wouldn’t that be great for you – respect, from the unborn generations of the future, if you would, how about it?

Rodney Dangerfield: Well, alright, I’ll do it..

Clerk: Ah, thanks a lot, Rodney! We really appreciate it!

Nurse: [ hands Rodney a large measuring cup ] Here you go, Mr. Dangerfield.

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, you’re an optimist, aren’t you? [ Nurse hands him the latest issue of Playboy magazine ] Oh, yeah.. thanks. Thanks a lot.

[ cut back to the main area of the shop, in the front ]

Clerk: On the other hand, if you’d like to reconsider, uh.. we’re having a sale on the David Susskind. Uh.. if you change your mind.

Wife: No, no.. we don’t think so..

Clerk: Well, it’s a great bargain. You really oughtta consider it – David Susskind.

Husband: No, we really don’t much care for David Susskind.

Clerk: Yeah, well.. if you don’t want it, then, heck, give it a try.. if the child doesn’t work, bring it back and, uh.. we’ll put it to sleep for ya.

Wife: No. We.. want.. Rodney Dangerfield!

Clerk: Okay, alright.. we’ll have the Rodney Dangerfield for you in just a second, how’s that? [ the couple perks up ] Huh?

[ cut to the back room, where Nurse peeks in to check up on Rodney ]

Nurse: How are you doing in there, Mr. Dangerfield, are you alright?

Rodney Dangerfield: Look, if you keep on interrupting me, we’ll never get anywhere!

[ cut back to from area of shop, as a black couple enters ]

Clerk: Oh, hi! good afternoon. Can I help you?

Black Male Customer: Yeah, uhh.. you got any Paul Robeson?

Clerk: Uh.. no, I’m afraid we don’t.

Black Female Customer: Well, how about some Andrew Young.

Clerk: Uhh.. no, sorry.

Black Male Customer: Uh, yeah.. Willie Mays? You got Willy Mays in there?

Clerk: Uh.. well, I’m afraid that Dr. Shockley doesn’t stock exactly what you had in mind.. but, uh.. the closest we can get for you is, uh.. Tony Orlando. [ Black Male Customer isn’t interested ] Alright.. well, then.. the best thing for you, then – the best bet – would be, uh.. the Mystery Bin.

Black Male Customer: The Mystery Bin? What is that?

Clerk: Uh.. it’s just what it says. It’s a Mystery Bin. I mean, it could be anybody in there, from a bum to a president of the United States – and there is one in there..

Black Male Customer: [ thinking it over ] Uhhh..

Clerk: It’s the best bargain in the house!

Black Male Customer: Uh.. I don’t know, man.. it sounds a little risky to me, man..

Clerk: Well, uh..

Black Male Customer: I’ll tell you what. Since you don’t have no brothers.. who’s that, uh.. white dude, you know the one that “don’t get no respect”?

Black Female Customer: Oh, Rodney.. Rodney Dangerfield.

Black Male Customer: Yeah! You got him?

Clerk: Uhh..

Wife: [ interrupting ] Now, wait a minute! That’s what we’ve been waiting for – the Rodney Dangerfield.

Husband: We were here first!

Clerk: Now, now.. please, please.. let’s not get excited.. there’ll be plenty of Rodney Dangerfield to go around.. [ ambles toward the back door ] Let me, uh.. I’ll check on that right now.. I’ll be..

[ cut to back room, as Rodney pokes his head out from the room to speak to the Nurse ]

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, is there any way to turn the lights on in here?

Nurse: Uh.. no. I’m sorry, Mr. Dangerfield. Building regulations.

Clerk: How you doing in there, Rodney?

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, give me a break, will ya? A few more minutes, okay? I’m doing the best I can!

Clerk: Rodney, I hate to re-order again.. [ laughs ] ..but.. could ya?

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, it’s impossible! Are you kidding? I can’t! No way! No way! You kidding? It can’t be done!

Clerk: But, Rodney, this is very important. These are our first black customers.

Rodney Dangerfield: I’m telling ya, you’re gonna kill the goose that laid the golden egg! I’m telling you that right now!

Clerk: Okay, okay. Thanks, Rodney, for trying. [ exits room ]

Music: [ helpful ] Mr. Dangerfield? Would it help if I played a little music?

Rodney Dangerfield: How about a Bolero?

[ cut back to the front room, where a large crowd of people have now gathered, including a group of Nazis and more suburban couples, all shouting at once ]

Wife: We’ve been waiting here for at least twenty minutes!

Clerk: I’m really sorry.. I’m sorry! Please don’t leave.. no.. it’s coming! Please.. it won’t be long.. [ a Man enters the shop ] Can I help you, sir?

Nazi: Yes, uh.. we were wondering if you might, by any chance, have some Rodney Dangerfield.

Clerk: Uh..

Man: Now, we called yesterday! If there’s any Rodney Dangerfield, we should get it!

Clerk: Wait! Wait! I’m gonna try to get the Dangerfield for you! i’m gonna see what I can do! You’ll have to understand! [ re-enters back room ] Uh.. Rodney! Rodney, I hate to ask you this, but.. could you? Ha ha ha!

[ scene fizzles out to reveal Rodney bouncing about it bed with his wife, having a horrible, horrible dream ]

Rodney Dangerfield: [ in his sleep ] I can’t! I can’t! forget about it, I can’t! I can’t!

Rodney’s Wife: Honey! Honey, wake up!

Rodney Dangerfield: Forget about it, I can’t! I can’t! [ opens his eyes, realizing he’s in his own bedroom ] Jeannie! Oh, thank God! Thank God!

Rodney’s Wife: Awwww.. now, let’s turn off the lights, and give me a kiss!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, I can’t! I can’t! I telling you, I can’t!

[ fade ]

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