Dr. Shockley’s House of Sperm


Dr. Shockley’s House of Sperm

Husband…..Paul Shaffer
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Clerk…..Bill Murray
…..Rodney Dangerfield
Nurse…..Laraine Newman
Black Male Customer…..Garrett Morris
Black Female Customer…..Yvonne Hudson
Nazi…..Tom Davis
Man…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Rodney’s Wife…..Jane Curtin

[ open on couple entering sperm bank ]

Husband: I’m telling you – this is a waste of time and money. I am not sterile! You’re barren!

Wife: Now, don’t be defensive, honey. I mean, Dr. Rayburn did report that you had a zero sperm count.

Husband: I don’t understand.. how can it be zero?

Wife: God, I hate to go shopping with you!

[ phone rings; Clerk answers ]

Clerk: Dr. Shockley’s House of Sperm. No, we’re open 24 hours. Just bring in an a recent IQ test, or an SAT test.. something like that. Well, thnak you. Bye bye. [ hangs up ]

Wife: Hello, um.. my husband and I would like to have a child, but, unfortunately, my husband is sterile.

Husband: Honey, I’m not sterile!

Wife: Well, in any case.. we have a problem, and we’re unable to have children, and we thought we’d try the House of Sperm.

Clerk: Well, you’ve come to the right place. By far, we have the widest selection. I mean, much more than Gizz World, or Jelly Barn.. any of those places. What did you have in mind?

Husband: Well, uh.. assuming for the moment that I were, uh.. sterile.. what, uh.. and we did, you know.. need your product.. what, uh, what donor would you recommend?

Clerk: [ thinking ] Consider a.. a Nobel Prize winner, for example. We’ve got some Linus Pauling here. [ points to a sample below the case ]

Wife: Oh. Maybe, maybe, yeah..

Clerk: Yeah, an athletic kind of thing in mind, we’ve got Eric Hyden right here.. Here’s a very popular number, it’s very popular.. [ pulls out a full rack of vials ] This is the U.S. Olympic Hockey Team.

Wife: Hmm.. hmm.. uh, you know.. we were talking on the way over here, and we thought maybe it’d be nice to have a child with a really great sense of humor. You wouldn’t, by any chance, have some Rodney Dangerfield?

Clerk: Oh, yes! Very popular item. Let me see here.. [ looks around for some samples, but can’t seem to find any ] Oh.. oh.. well, I’m afraid that we’re all out of Rodney Dangerfield right now. But, actually, if you could ocme back tomorrow, I could re-order..

Wife: Oh.. I don’t know, we’ll think about it..

Clerk: Well, wait, just a second.. perhaps, if you’ll juat wait around for one or two minutes.. I’ll go in the back and check the stockroom, maybe there’s some Rodney Dangerfield back there, okay?

Wife: [ chipper ] Okay! Thank you!

[ Clerk slips into the back room ] [ cut to back room, where Rodney Dangerfield exits a small room and approaches the Nurse on duty ]

Nurse: Okay, Mr. Dangerfield, thanks for filling those orders, there’s your check.

Rodney Dangerfield: Okay, no problem, you know?

Clerk: [ now entering room ] Hi, Rodney! How’s it going?

Rodney Dangerfield: [ tired ] Okay, you know..

Clerk: Sorry to bother you, but, uh.. you don’t suppose you could, uh..

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, no, no.. not another one.. are you kidding? I can’t make it, forget about it, will ya? Not again!

Clerk: Rodney, Rodney, Rodney.. they’re selling like hotcakes! I mean, people just want funny kids nowadays.

Rodney Dangerfield: But I can’t! I’m not a kid any more, I’m getting old! Are you kidding me? I’m at the age now, when I squeeze into a parking space, I’m sexually satisfied! Are you kidding? I’m old! Why, in my back yard, I got a kidney-shaped pool with a stone in it, are you kidding? It’s rough!

Clerk: [ laughing ] That’s very funny, Rodney! But I’ll tell ya – there would be so much appreciation, and.. and.. and.. and.. affection, and.. hey.. respect, too! Wouldn’t that be great for you – respect, from the unborn generations of the future, if you would, how about it?

Rodney Dangerfield: Well, alright, I’ll do it..

Clerk: Ah, thanks a lot, Rodney! We really appreciate it!

Nurse: [ hands Rodney a large measuring cup ] Here you go, Mr. Dangerfield.

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, you’re an optimist, aren’t you? [ Nurse hands him the latest issue of Playboy magazine ] Oh, yeah.. thanks. Thanks a lot.

[ cut back to the main area of the shop, in the front ]

Clerk: On the other hand, if you’d like to reconsider, uh.. we’re having a sale on the David Susskind. Uh.. if you change your mind.

Wife: No, no.. we don’t think so..

Clerk: Well, it’s a great bargain. You really oughtta consider it – David Susskind.

Husband: No, we really don’t much care for David Susskind.

Clerk: Yeah, well.. if you don’t want it, then, heck, give it a try.. if the child doesn’t work, bring it back and, uh.. we’ll put it to sleep for ya.

Wife: No. We.. want.. Rodney Dangerfield!

Clerk: Okay, alright.. we’ll have the Rodney Dangerfield for you in just a second, how’s that? [ the couple perks up ] Huh?

[ cut to the back room, where Nurse peeks in to check up on Rodney ]

Nurse: How are you doing in there, Mr. Dangerfield, are you alright?

Rodney Dangerfield: Look, if you keep on interrupting me, we’ll never get anywhere!

[ cut back to from area of shop, as a black couple enters ]

Clerk: Oh, hi! good afternoon. Can I help you?

Black Male Customer: Yeah, uhh.. you got any Paul Robeson?

Clerk: Uh.. no, I’m afraid we don’t.

Black Female Customer: Well, how about some Andrew Young.

Clerk: Uhh.. no, sorry.

Black Male Customer: Uh, yeah.. Willie Mays? You got Willy Mays in there?

Clerk: Uh.. well, I’m afraid that Dr. Shockley doesn’t stock exactly what you had in mind.. but, uh.. the closest we can get for you is, uh.. Tony Orlando. [ Black Male Customer isn’t interested ] Alright.. well, then.. the best thing for you, then – the best bet – would be, uh.. the Mystery Bin.

Black Male Customer: The Mystery Bin? What is that?

Clerk: Uh.. it’s just what it says. It’s a Mystery Bin. I mean, it could be anybody in there, from a bum to a president of the United States – and there is one in there..

Black Male Customer: [ thinking it over ] Uhhh..

Clerk: It’s the best bargain in the house!

Black Male Customer: Uh.. I don’t know, man.. it sounds a little risky to me, man..

Clerk: Well, uh..

Black Male Customer: I’ll tell you what. Since you don’t have no brothers.. who’s that, uh.. white dude, you know the one that “don’t get no respect”?

Black Female Customer: Oh, Rodney.. Rodney Dangerfield.

Black Male Customer: Yeah! You got him?

Clerk: Uhh..

Wife: [ interrupting ] Now, wait a minute! That’s what we’ve been waiting for – the Rodney Dangerfield.

Husband: We were here first!

Clerk: Now, now.. please, please.. let’s not get excited.. there’ll be plenty of Rodney Dangerfield to go around.. [ ambles toward the back door ] Let me, uh.. I’ll check on that right now.. I’ll be..

[ cut to back room, as Rodney pokes his head out from the room to speak to the Nurse ]

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, is there any way to turn the lights on in here?

Nurse: Uh.. no. I’m sorry, Mr. Dangerfield. Building regulations.

Clerk: How you doing in there, Rodney?

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, give me a break, will ya? A few more minutes, okay? I’m doing the best I can!

Clerk: Rodney, I hate to re-order again.. [ laughs ] ..but.. could ya?

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, it’s impossible! Are you kidding? I can’t! No way! No way! You kidding? It can’t be done!

Clerk: But, Rodney, this is very important. These are our first black customers.

Rodney Dangerfield: I’m telling ya, you’re gonna kill the goose that laid the golden egg! I’m telling you that right now!

Clerk: Okay, okay. Thanks, Rodney, for trying. [ exits room ]

Music: [ helpful ] Mr. Dangerfield? Would it help if I played a little music?

Rodney Dangerfield: How about a Bolero?

[ cut back to the front room, where a large crowd of people have now gathered, including a group of Nazis and more suburban couples, all shouting at once ]

Wife: We’ve been waiting here for at least twenty minutes!

Clerk: I’m really sorry.. I’m sorry! Please don’t leave.. no.. it’s coming! Please.. it won’t be long.. [ a Man enters the shop ] Can I help you, sir?

Nazi: Yes, uh.. we were wondering if you might, by any chance, have some Rodney Dangerfield.

Clerk: Uh..

Man: Now, we called yesterday! If there’s any Rodney Dangerfield, we should get it!

Clerk: Wait! Wait! I’m gonna try to get the Dangerfield for you! i’m gonna see what I can do! You’ll have to understand! [ re-enters back room ] Uh.. Rodney! Rodney, I hate to ask you this, but.. could you? Ha ha ha!

[ scene fizzles out to reveal Rodney bouncing about it bed with his wife, having a horrible, horrible dream ]

Rodney Dangerfield: [ in his sleep ] I can’t! I can’t! forget about it, I can’t! I can’t!

Rodney’s Wife: Honey! Honey, wake up!

Rodney Dangerfield: Forget about it, I can’t! I can’t! [ opens his eyes, realizing he’s in his own bedroom ] Jeannie! Oh, thank God! Thank God!

Rodney’s Wife: Awwww.. now, let’s turn off the lights, and give me a kiss!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, I can’t! I can’t! I telling you, I can’t!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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