Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 13
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: In the wake of a controversy over our UN boat on the West Bank, an embarrassed President Carter tried to placate the Jewish community today. Carter issued still another apology, and announced that the will allow the building of Israeli settlements on the White House lawn.
Interviewed in Paris, former President Richard Nixon commented on Secretary of State Cyrus Vance’s taking responsibility for the UN fiasco. He said, “If I had made Henry Kissinger do that, he would have resigned.” Reached for reaction, Kissinger reportedly answered, “President Nixon tried to make me do something like that once, and guess who resigned?”
Bill Murray: CBS News revealed this week that the White House tried to stop “60 Minutes” from airing last week’s segment on Iran and the abuses by Savak and the Shah. According to “60 Minutes”, the White House also tried to stop a feature by Andy Rooney about how you can never get the little tab that you push in on laundry detergent boxes to come back up and plug up the hole so the detergent spills out, and how he thinks the detergent companies do that on purpose to make you buy more detergent. CBS agreed to delay the Rooney piece until after the hostages are released.
Mohammed Ali, last night, won the Heavyweight title for an unprecedented fourth tie. He achieved this by swallowing his opponent, WBC champ John Tate. Ali said he will now rest up and build up an appetite for Larry Holmes in September.
Jane Curtin: The Federal Food & Drug Administration announced this week that saccharine and artificial sweeteners are acceptable for human consumption. However, as a result of the tests done by that organization, many American cities have begun to use saccharine as rat poison. Experts agree that a good case of bladder cancer is about the only thing that can bring some of those big ones down.
Former President Gerald R. Ford, fielding expectations that he may make another run at the White House, said yesterday that the very first thing he would do as president is pardon Richard Nixon once again. Ford said, “I think people would accept it more this time around. Help me up, would you, please? Where am I? Ouch!”
Yugloslav President Tito has now been on his deathbed for 66 days, and his condition is reported as stable. Tito still has a long way to go to beat the deathbed record of 45 1/2 months set in the 70’s by Generalisimo Francisco Franco.. but he’s off to a good start.
Bill Murray: Hey, you trivia nuts, remember these two guys?
Jane Curtin: No..
Bill Murray: Never mind.
Jane Curtin: While “Get Well” cards would be in poor taste, you might send him a simple “Beat Franco” card. The address is Death Bed, State Hospital, Belgrade, Yugoslavia. Bill!
Bill Murray: [ starting over ] Hey, you trivia nuts! Remember these two guys? We grew up with them. You want a hint? They’re June and Ward’s kids.. Lumpy Rutherford’s neighbor.. Eddie Haskill and Larry Mandellos’s best friends..? Now you know? Sure you do! They’re Wally and Beaver Cleaver.. which brings us to tonight’s Celebrity Corner. A rarity. It took a little doing.. but here they, all grown up, from their dressing room at the Westchester County Dinner Theater where they’re appearing at. Let’s meet Tony Dow and Jerry Mathers – nice to have you here, guys!
Jerry Mathers: Hi, Bill!
Tony Dow: Hey, Bill!
Bill Murray: Now, hey, Beav.. now, we all heard that you got killed in Vietnam. Is that true?
Jerry Mathers: Well, I…
Tony Dow: Hey, you little squirt! What’dja go and tell everybody that for?
Jerry Mathers: Aw, gee, Tony! It was on account of the show was off the air, and I figured that nobody knew who we were or cared about us.. and I thought maybe I’d just get us some attention!
Tony Dow: Wow-w-w.. when Dad hears about this, he’s gonna go ape! I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t.. slug ya’, or something.
Bill Murray: Well, Jerry.. what you’ve done is a real serious thing, and I think you should apologize.
Jerry Mathers: Gee, Bill! Do I really have to do that? If I apologize in front of everybody, I’ll look like a creep!
Tony Dow: Yeah, Bill, don’t make Jerry apologize! I mean, I know he’s a squirt, but he.. still doesn’t want to look like a little goof!
Bill Murray: Well, young man.. maybe next time, you’ll think about what you’re doing, and the consequences that follow.
Jerry Mathers: Hey, Bill, I was thinking. When you were a kid.. did you get, well.. in trouble, and mess things up, and stuff?
Bill Murray: Well, Jerry, I guess all of us, at one time or another, or.. messed up. But, the important thing is that we learn from our mistakes.
Tony Dow: Hey, you’re, uh.. you’re not gonna make him go up to his room, are ya’? I mean, uh.. he won’t go around spreading rumors again. Honest!
Bill Murray: Well, we’ll discuss this when you get home. I’ll speak to you later.
Jerry Mathers: Thanks, Bill!
Bill Murray: Alright, break a leg. Very nice to have them.. on Celebrity Corner, huh, Jane?
Jane Curtin: Bill.. you don’t think you were too hard on the boys, do you?
Bill Murray: No, Jane, I.. the boys have got to learn something, and I-I don’t think we’ll ever hear that rumor about Beaver getting killed in Vietnam again, either, huh![ Bill shuffles his papers, not looking at the camera – it’s still his turn to do the next joke ]
Jane Curtin: Bill?
Bill Murray: Yeah! [ laughing ] Alright!
Ian Smith offered to serve this week in the cabinet of Robert Mugabe, newly-elected Prime Minister of Rhodesia. Mugabe, a black Marxist, is anxious to calm Rhodesia’s African-White minority, reportedly has asked former Prime Minister Smith to serve as a lawn jockey in front of Mugabe’s home.
Jane Curtin: Combined highway and transportation agencies reported this week that in 1979 traffic deaths exceeded 50,000 for the second year in a row. This grimming figure is offset, however, by data showing that 30,000 people were born in traffic, and 20,000 were conceived in automobiles stalled in traffic during the same period.
New York City police arrested a man this week for impersonating the late Ed Sullivan. It was the first arrest of an Ed Sullivan impersonator in over three years.
Jane Curtin: The U.S. Immigration Service has estimated that close to one million Mexicans illegally enter the U.S. each year. Here with the latest developments on that story, is Father Guido Sarducci. Father?
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you, Jane. Tonight, I have a really hot scoop for you. It’s true that almost one million Mexicans enter the United States illegally every year. But not all of them run across the border through the bushes. I found out that in Tijuana, Mexico, they’re giving what they call nationality-change operations. You can change from-a any nationality to another one, and rich Mexicans, they’re going down there and they’re getting changed to Japanese. It cost $5,000, and for $5,000 they get the surgery, clothes, camera, everything! And then, what do they do? They put them out on-a tourist buses, and then-a they just drive-a across the border, and they just think they=a just Japanese tourists going down to Tijuana for-a the day. But I understand that American Customs officials, theyre-a getting wise to it, and what they started doing now is, to the Japanese tourists, they always give a Rice Test at the border. And-a what they do is they bring-a out the rice and give-a them chopsticks, and if they don’t know how to properly eat with-a chopsticks, that mwans they’re probably Mexicans AND they make-a them go back. And I understand any Japanese person, south of-a Disneyland, is suspect of being a Mexican, so it’s a really tough time there for them.
We’re very, very fortunate tonight to the first Italian who had a sex — I mean, sex — I keep-a saying a sex change, that’s past — this is the first Italian who had his nationality-change operation. His-a name is-a Marcello Paterna. And he had it changed from Italian to Japanese. He doesn’t-a speak-a DEnglish, unfortunately, so I’m-a gonna have to-a translate for you. And the first one I’m gonna ask him is: Why did he have this operation? What’s the story behind it?[ Sarducci repeats the question to Marcello in Italian, then translates ]
He said ever since he was a little kid, he always-a liked-a Japanese things.[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
He said every day, he used to-a ask his mother to make-a him some rice.[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
— and fish.[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
He said all-a Italians like-a fish, but, again, he liked it RAW![ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
He said he always-a felt that he was-a Japanese, but that he-a was-a TRAPPED in an Italian body. And now, I’m-a gonna ask him IF the operation was painful.[ Sarducci repeats the question to Marcello in Italian, then translates ]
No. He says it wasn’t very painful.[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
But now-a, he says, his face, it feels like-a real tight.[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
Uh, he says that the worst-a part was that he had to wait a long-a time to get the operation, and this annoyd him.[ Marcello answers more in Italian ]
He says he had to wait-a long-a time, because there was a lot of-a Greek people in front of him. They was-a all getting changed to be Arabs, Well, now I only have one more question for him, and that question is: How did they change-a his complexion?[ Sarducci repeats the question to Marcello in Italian, then translates ]
Ah! He says they ddin’t do anything to his skin, but-a when he was-a in-a Mexico, he got a liver — what do you call it? Hepatitis — and-a what it is, is-a jaundice. Well, gracias, Marcello. I don’t think I’m gonna shake hands with him. And, once more, it’s been-a wodnerful. Arriverderci, America!
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, Walter, and have a pleasant tomorrow.