Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 14
The Biggest Leprechaun
…..Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan
Female Leprechaun #1…..Jane Curtin
Male Leprechaun #1…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Male Leprechaun #2…..Harry Shearer
Female Leprechaun #2…..Laraine Newman
Male Leprechaun #3…..Paul Shaffer
Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan: Good evening. In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I’ve been asked to read one of the old favorite Irish faerie tales. It’s called “The Biggest Leprechaun”.
[ reading ]
“Once upon a time, in the county Cary, in a tiny, small grass house nearby to an empty milk can that had long ago fallen off a farmer’s cart, and next to a stump and beside a fence that marked Old Man McGuire’s pasture, there lived a band of leprechauns. These were some of the little people, also known as the wee ones, who are the mischevious faeries, who people the mountains and vales, the bonds and bondsides of all Ireland.”
[ dissolve to leprechauns dancing around the empty milk can ]
Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan V/O: They’re rarely seen, but well known for their playful pranks. And it’s well known, also, that, should a person manage to catch one, a leprechaun would promise a pot of gold to be set free. Now, among this particular band was a leprechaun named Sean, who, while wee, was even so the least wee of all the wee people.”
[ Sean, a bigger-sized leprechaun runs into the scene ]
Sean: Run for it – hide! I threw some chowder in Mrs. Murphy’s overalls, and she’s right at our hells!
[ the leprechauns panic, and run into their grass house; Sean is so much bigger, that he cannot fit inside with them ]
Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan V/O: “Sean was indeed so tall, he was taller than a milk can. And he was so fat, he was bigger than a bucket. So it was hard for him to hide, and he often got caught.”
[ the leprechauns slowly exit their grass house, as Sean returns to them ]
Sean: I got caught again! I had to promise old Mrs. Murphy a pot of gold!
Female Leprechaun #1: Oh, that’s just grand, Mr. High And White – you think we’re made of gold?!
Male Leprechaun #1: Ah, you’re a sorry lot, my lad! And a lot of lad, I might add! But you know what the price of gold is today?! Why, you’re just giving it away, you damn fool!
Male Leprechaun #2: Aye, you call yourself a teenie-weenie? That’s a laugh! You’re a four-foot-long tub of hot tar!
Female Leprechaun #2: No wonder you get caught all the time! Must you stand up so straight, can’t you slouch a little?!
Male Leprechaun #3: Sean’s not a faerie! Sean’s not a faerie!
Male Leprechaun #2: Alright, enough! Enough! [ hands pot of gold to Sean ] Here, take the gold, pay off Mrs. Murphy! But you’d better start on a diet – nothing but shamrock salads for you, Mister!
Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan: “But Sean didn’t learn his lesson. He didn’t diet. He didn’t even slouch. Until one day, after tying McGuire’s shoelaces together, and knocking over his tea, and throwing the poor man’s scones out the window, Sean was trying to hide behind the dairy can, when a big wind came up, blowing over the can and flattening Sean beneath. Which only proved, that, even if you have all the gold in the world, and everyone tells you how big you are, in the end there are still things bigger than you. and under that big dairy can in Cary lies a big fat faerie. Big Sean.”
Leprechauns: [ singing ] “Big Sean! Big Sea-an! Big, fat Sean!”
Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan: “And thus, we learn again: People, even little people, who live in grass houses, shouldn’t throw scones.” Good night.