Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 14
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Enid Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Grant Robinson Jr…..Garrett Morris
Todd DiLaMuca…..Bill Murray
Shelly Fabish…..Harry Shearer
[ open on interior, Loopner living room, as Lisa arrives home from school ]
Lisa Loopner: Mom! Moooommm!! Mom, I’m home!
[ Mrs. Loopner enters from the kitchen, stil drying a dish ]
Mrs. Loopner: Ohhhhhh, Lisa! [ they sit on the couch ] How did Todd’s campaign rally go?
Lisa Loopner: Oh, it was AWFUL! I left in the middle. I wish I NEVER encouraged Todd to run for Student Body president, Mom. He has NO platform. It’s just a bunch of stupid slogans, like: “Vote For todd — He’s A God!”
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, dear… he is getting a swell head.
Lisa Loopner: And, Mom, his whole political machine is falling apart! And as his campaign manager, I feel responsible! It looks like that DUMB Shelly Fabish is just gonna win by a landslide tomorrow! [ she begins to cry ]
Mrs. Loopner: Ohhhh, now I don’t suppose a big batch of egg salad would change anything?
Lisa Loopner: NO, Mom!
Mrs. Loopner: I didn’t think so. Well, whatever happens, remember what Theresa Brewer says: Stand By Your Man!
Lisa Loopner: That was Tammy Wynette!
[ the doorbell rings ]
Mrs. Loopner: No, dear, it was Theresa Brewer. [ she answers the door to Belinda and Artie ] Hi, kids!
Belinda: Hi, Mrs. Loopner.
Artie: Hello, Mrs. Loopner!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, make yourselves at home! I wish I could stay and chew the fat, but there’s a tuna corn niblet casserole in the oven that’s calling my name!
Belinda: Mmmm! Sounds good!
Lisa Loopner: Hello, Artie. Hello, Belinda. [ they sit next to her ] Where’s God?
Belinda: If you mean Todd… he’s onhis way over here with Grant.
Artie: Yeah, Grant’s just been apppointed Todd’s BODYGUARD! [ he blows a raspberry ]
Lisa Loopner: Why does Todd need a bodyguard?
Belinda: Aw, during a rally, someone tried to pull his pants down.
Lisa Loopner: Oh, no! The “mooning” incident. Don’t tell me they’re trying to bring that up again!
Belinda: Lisa, the day Todd through a moon in Study Hall, he blew his chances of becoming President. No ifs, ands, or BUTTS! [ she laughs ]
Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh! Well… besides… there’s no proof that it was Todd’s butt!
Belinda: Wro-ong! Shelly Fabish is on his way over with documented photos of the May ’78 mooning.
Artie: I have examined the photos very closely, and I must say: They made me extremely nauseous!
Belinda: Yeah, it wasn’t pretty.
Artie: Lisa, we think that you should ask Todd to concede.
Lisa Loopner: No way, Jose Schnackman! I refuse to be intimidated by smear tactics!
[ the doorbell rings ]
Lisa Loopner: That’s okay, Mom — I’ll get it!
[ Lisa opens the door to Grant Robinson, Jr. ]
Grant Robinson, Jr.: Hi! I’m Grant Robinson, Jr. I was bussed to your school from Harriet Tubman High.
Lisa Loopner: You don’t have to introduce yourself every time. We remember you Grant.
[ Grant looks around the room carefully, then finally opens the front door ]
Grant Robinson, Jr.: The Loopner living room is secure for entry.
[ Todd finally enters ]
Todd DiLaMuca: At ease, Grant. Hello, Lisa. How are you, darling? [ he shakes her hand ]
Lisa Loopner: Hello, Todd.
Todd DiLaMuca: Why, Artie! Belinda! Glad to have your support. Terrific. Terrific. You know I count on choice political flow plugs in the near future, I assure you.
Lisa Loopner: Yeah! When HECK freezes over!
Todd DiLaMuca: Did you see it?
Lisa Loopner: Yeah.
Grant Robinson, Jr.: Uh, anyway, I guarantee I can deliver the Black vote.
Todd DiLaMuca: Uh-huh. There! I have the Black vote sewn up!
Lisa Loopner: Yeah, big deal. Grant IS the Black vote! The ONLY Black vote!
Artie: Todd! Don’t you realize that Fabish is gonna CREAM you at the polls?
Todd DiLaMuca: What do you mean? I just came up with some good cmpaign slogans. How about these? [ he holds up a button ] “In Todd We Trust.” [ they groan ] “Vote For todd, He’s got A Great Bod.”
Lisa Loopner: It’s gonna take more than slogans to pull THIS one off the dumper!
[ Belinda cracks up; Artie joins in ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Very funny.
[ the doorbell rings ; Grant answers it to Shelly Fabish, and promptly pats him down ]
Shelly Fabish: Hello, people!
Nerds: Hel-lo, Shel-ly!
Todd DiLaMuca: You got your nerve coming here, Fabish!
Belinda: [ nervous ] Uh… I just remembered… I FORGOT something! Come on, Artie. Let’s go.
Artie: Yeah. Don’t forget what we TALKED about, Lisa!
Belinda: Yeah. [ to Todd ] Bye, Pizza Butt.
[ Belinda and Artie crack up as they exit ]
Shelly Fabish: I submit for your approval… Exhibit A: Blow-ups of the surface of the moon. [ he pulls out a packet of pictures ] Don’t miss the tell-tale craters.
Lisa Loopner: Uh — there’s NOTHING in these photos to prove that it’s Todd’s butt!
Shelly Fabish: Oh, yeah? Exhibit B: A Polaroid of today’s pantsing. [ he holds up a photo ] Compare and contrast!
Grant Robinson, Jr.: He’s got ya’.
Shelly Fabish: I’m warning you, DiLaMuca — unless you pull out, these photos are gonna be ALL over the front page of the school paper tomorrow morning. [ he grabs his photos ] I rest my case!
Lisa Loopner: Yeah! Rest on THIS! [ she makes a gesture as he exits ]
Grant Robinson, Jr.: I got an idea. I could say it was me.
Todd DiLaMuca: Uh, well, uh… I appreciate the gesture and the loyalty, Grant. But I don’t think anybody will ever buy it.
Grant Robinson, Jr.: Oh. Well… I gotta be going. It’s a loooooong bus ride home.
Lisa Loopner: Bye, Grant.
Todd DiLaMuca: Yeah. You’re released, Grant.
[ Grant exits ]
[ Todd and Lisa sit on the couch ]
Todd DiLaMuca: Isn’t that incident ever going to go away? Will it haunt me forever? It’s grossly unfair. Haven’t I suffered enough?
Lisa Loopner: Whatever you did, Todd… we can’t let that stinky little CREEP blackmail you!
Todd DiLaMuca: What can I do, Lisa? They caught me with my pants down.
Lisa Loopner: Well — why don’t we just call Shelly’s bluff? The school paper will NEVER print those photos. They’re too gross!
Todd DiLaMuca: I… yes… that’s very smart, Lisa. As a matter of fact, you know you’re right up there with LiZ Taylor and Jane Fonda? All the great political chicks. Evita. Incredible. You know, you’re the woman behind the man, and I… I want to return the favor. [ Lisa puckers up ] I want to bestow upon you some appreciative, well-deserved… BACK DOOR NOOGIES! [ he spreads Lisa across his laps and pounds his fist on her butt as she screams ] Right in the butt! How about a pelvic reversal here?
Lisa Loopner: Ow! Cut it out, Pizza Face! MOM! HELP!
[ Mrs. Loopner rushes in banging a garbage can lid ]
Mrs. Loopner: Yoo-hoo! Come and get it! Soup’s on! Casserole’s on the tray!
[ Lisa and Todd get up and retreat tot the kitchen for dinner ]
[ pull out on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Hamlet Eats A Danish” ]
[ fade ]