SNL Transcripts: (none): 03/15/80: The David Susskind Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 14

79n: (none) / James Taylor, Paul Simon & David Sanborn

The David Susskind Show

David Susskind…..Bill Murray
Lloyd Simmons…..Harry Shearer
Catherine Farley…..Jane Curtin
Steve Foom…..Tom Davis
Len Madrew…..Paul Simon

[ open on talk show set, with SUPER: “The David Susskind Show” ]

David Susskind: Good evening, I’m David Susskind. We have an unusual show tonight. All my guests have one thing in common: They’ve all undergone various forms of plastic surgery, to make themselves look like certain celebrities. Uh — with me is Mr. Lloyd Simmons, who makes his living as an Elvis impersonator.

Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir, that’s right!

David Susskind: Mr. Simmons, you actually underwent plastic surgery to look more like Elvis Presley?

Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir. I’ve had, uh, 211 separate operations over the last two years.

David Susskind: That is amazing. You know, uh, I hate to say this, but, uh, you still don’t look that much like Elvis Presley!

Lloyd Simmons: I know, I hear that from a lot of folks! Well, you’re not looking at the final product. We still have a lot of work to do on my eyes, my nose, and… we gotta raise up my jaw.

David Susskind: But why? Why would you put yourself through that pain and agony?

Lloyd Simmons: Well, sir, for one thing, uh — [ he laughs ] it is a little financially rewarding, if you know what I mean! But, uh.. if you could see what I looked like before… I think you’d understand.

David Susskind: Y-es. Well, we have a picture of you before the operation.

Lloyd Simmons: Yes!

David Susskind: You mind if we hold this up?

Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir, that’s why I brought it.

[ Lloyd Simmons holds up a photo of Rod Stewart ]

David Susskind: Now, this is you 211 operations ago?

Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir, that’s correct.

David Susskind: Well… that is an AMAZING transformation.

Lloyd Simmons: I find it hard to believe myself.

David Susskind: Well, let’s meet another guest. [ he turns to his opposite side ] Catherine Farley, who appears to have a remarkable resemblance to Dolly Parton. Uh —

Catherine Farley: [ husky-voiced ] Thank you!

David Susskind: Now, Catherine, what was the nature of the surgery you underwent?

Catherine Farley: Mr. Susskind, I had sections of my buttocks implanted into my breasts!

David Susskind: Now, uh — [ he adjusts himself in his seat ] I notice you don’t sound a lot like Dolly Parton when you talk. Do you sing?

Catherine Farley: I lip-synch her songs.

David Susskind: And very well, too, I suppose…

Catherine Farley: Thank you.

David Susskind: And good luck to you, Catherine. Uh — my next guest is Steve Foom, and he was supposed to, uh, end up looking like Donny Osmond, but evidently he had a bad experience. What happened, Steve?

[ Steve has long scars along his face ]

Steve Foom: Uh, that’s right, Mr. susskind. Uh — I want to look like Donny Osmond, and I didn’t have a lot of mnoey, see? Uh — so what I did was, I went down to the school of plastic surgery and I let the students work on me. And I guess the reason I’m on your show is, uh, just to say that, uh, if you’re a person out there who’s interested in going under the knife, DON’T skimp on the bucks! spend the money!

David Susskind: Well, thank you… for being brave enough to come on the show and tell us your story.

Steve Foom: Well, you’re very welcome.

David Susskind: Our final guest is Mr. Len Madrew from Saginaw, Michigan. Now, Mr. Madrew, you are the spitting image of Paul Simon. You are a credit to the plastic surgery profession.

Len Madrew: [ blushing ] Well, actually, I… never went to a plastic surgeon. I always looked very much like Paul Simon, except for the fact I was six-foot-seven. I had to have seventeen inches of bone and muscle removed from my legs. [ he pulls up a pants leg to reveal the massive stitches ]

David Susskind: Now… that looks painful.

Len Madrew: Ah, it was worth it!

David Susskind: Yeah, yeah. [ to his guests ] What was it like being another person? I mean, ahs this been a problem in your lives, because… people think you’re celebrities?

Lloyd Simmons: Well, sir… uh… you know, uh… Elvis left us a couple of years ago to go to the great Opryland upstairs, and I think, uh, most of his fans are aware that he’s no longer with us, and… I don’t want a lot of people confusing me with The King.

David Susskind: [ quickly ] Uh, Catherine?

Catherine Farley: Well, David… people come up to me all the time, but I found out of you very politely ask them to leave you alone, they will.

David Susskind: Steve? How about you?

Steve Foom: Well, uh… I find that I scare small children.

David Susskind: Mr. Madrew? any problems looking like Paul Simon?

Len Madrew: [ he sighs ] Uh — just one major problem: People keep asking me why I broke up with Art Garfunkel. I wish to Hell I knew! Actually, I love the way the guys sang together.

David Susskind: Me. too.

Len Madrew: If I ever meet Paul Simon, it’s one of the things I most want to ask him.

David Susskind: Probably a good question. Well — I’d like to thank all of you for being so open. [ into the camera ] Uh — I’d like to ask all of you to tune in next week when we talk to three guests who had to have plastic surgery to avoid looking like celebrities. Thank you.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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