Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 14
The David Susskind Show
David Susskind…..Bill Murray
Lloyd Simmons…..Harry Shearer
Catherine Farley…..Jane Curtin
Steve Foom…..Tom Davis
Len Madrew…..Paul Simon
[ open on talk show set, with SUPER: “The David Susskind Show” ]
David Susskind: Good evening, I’m David Susskind. We have an unusual show tonight. All my guests have one thing in common: They’ve all undergone various forms of plastic surgery, to make themselves look like certain celebrities. Uh — with me is Mr. Lloyd Simmons, who makes his living as an Elvis impersonator.
Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir, that’s right!
David Susskind: Mr. Simmons, you actually underwent plastic surgery to look more like Elvis Presley?
Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir. I’ve had, uh, 211 separate operations over the last two years.
David Susskind: That is amazing. You know, uh, I hate to say this, but, uh, you still don’t look that much like Elvis Presley!
Lloyd Simmons: I know, I hear that from a lot of folks! Well, you’re not looking at the final product. We still have a lot of work to do on my eyes, my nose, and… we gotta raise up my jaw.
David Susskind: But why? Why would you put yourself through that pain and agony?
Lloyd Simmons: Well, sir, for one thing, uh — [ he laughs ] it is a little financially rewarding, if you know what I mean! But, uh.. if you could see what I looked like before… I think you’d understand.
David Susskind: Y-es. Well, we have a picture of you before the operation.
Lloyd Simmons: Yes!
David Susskind: You mind if we hold this up?
Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir, that’s why I brought it.[ Lloyd Simmons holds up a photo of Rod Stewart ]
David Susskind: Now, this is you 211 operations ago?
Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir, that’s correct.
David Susskind: Well… that is an AMAZING transformation.
Lloyd Simmons: I find it hard to believe myself.
David Susskind: Well, let’s meet another guest. [ he turns to his opposite side ] Catherine Farley, who appears to have a remarkable resemblance to Dolly Parton. Uh —
Catherine Farley: [ husky-voiced ] Thank you!
David Susskind: Now, Catherine, what was the nature of the surgery you underwent?
Catherine Farley: Mr. Susskind, I had sections of my buttocks implanted into my breasts!
David Susskind: Now, uh — [ he adjusts himself in his seat ] I notice you don’t sound a lot like Dolly Parton when you talk. Do you sing?
Catherine Farley: I lip-synch her songs.
David Susskind: And very well, too, I suppose…
Catherine Farley: Thank you.
David Susskind: And good luck to you, Catherine. Uh — my next guest is Steve Foom, and he was supposed to, uh, end up looking like Donny Osmond, but evidently he had a bad experience. What happened, Steve?
Steve Foom: Uh, that’s right, Mr. susskind. Uh — I want to look like Donny Osmond, and I didn’t have a lot of mnoey, see? Uh — so what I did was, I went down to the school of plastic surgery and I let the students work on me. And I guess the reason I’m on your show is, uh, just to say that, uh, if you’re a person out there who’s interested in going under the knife, DON’T skimp on the bucks! spend the money!
David Susskind: Well, thank you… for being brave enough to come on the show and tell us your story.
Steve Foom: Well, you’re very welcome.
David Susskind: Our final guest is Mr. Len Madrew from Saginaw, Michigan. Now, Mr. Madrew, you are the spitting image of Paul Simon. You are a credit to the plastic surgery profession.
Len Madrew: [ blushing ] Well, actually, I… never went to a plastic surgeon. I always looked very much like Paul Simon, except for the fact I was six-foot-seven. I had to have seventeen inches of bone and muscle removed from my legs. [ he pulls up a pants leg to reveal the massive stitches ]
David Susskind: Now… that looks painful.
Len Madrew: Ah, it was worth it!
David Susskind: Yeah, yeah. [ to his guests ] What was it like being another person? I mean, ahs this been a problem in your lives, because… people think you’re celebrities?
Lloyd Simmons: Well, sir… uh… you know, uh… Elvis left us a couple of years ago to go to the great Opryland upstairs, and I think, uh, most of his fans are aware that he’s no longer with us, and… I don’t want a lot of people confusing me with The King.
David Susskind: [ quickly ] Uh, Catherine?
Catherine Farley: Well, David… people come up to me all the time, but I found out of you very politely ask them to leave you alone, they will.
David Susskind: Steve? How about you?
Steve Foom: Well, uh… I find that I scare small children.
David Susskind: Mr. Madrew? any problems looking like Paul Simon?
Len Madrew: [ he sighs ] Uh — just one major problem: People keep asking me why I broke up with Art Garfunkel. I wish to Hell I knew! Actually, I love the way the guys sang together.
David Susskind: Me. too.
Len Madrew: If I ever meet Paul Simon, it’s one of the things I most want to ask him.
David Susskind: Probably a good question. Well — I’d like to thank all of you for being so open. [ into the camera ] Uh — I’d like to ask all of you to tune in next week when we talk to three guests who had to have plastic surgery to avoid looking like celebrities. Thank you.[ fade ]