Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 14
Talk Or Die
Dirk Savage…..Michael Palin
Julian Carver…..Garrett Morris
Rula Lenska…..Jane Curtin
[ open on title card ]
Announcer: And now it’s time for “Talk Or Die”, the action talk show. Here’s your host — Dirk Savage.
[ dissolve to Dirk Savage being choked by a guest; he manages to fling the guest over his shoulder and send him crashing onto a table ]
Dirk Savage: [ into the camera ] Good evening! And welcome to “Talk Or Die”! [ the audience applauds wildly ] The ACTION talk show! I’m your host — Dirk Savage — and tonight we continue our series of programs on the state of theater in Britain and America. With us ib the studio, we have a Mr. Julian Carver, the noted set designer, director, and pioneer of the Black theater.
Julian Carver: Good evening.
Dirk Savage: Good evening! [ he turns ] And Miss Rula Lenska, the world known, easily recognized actress whom everyone knows from her innumerable films and television appearances! May I say, Rula, you’re looking absolutely… “lovely” today.
Rula Lenska: Thank you, Dirk. As an actress who’s constantly being recognized for her many unforgettable performances, it is important that I look my best.
Dirk Savage: Absolutely! [ he turns ] Mr. Carver — I’d like to begin this discussion by noting that, here in the States, there seems to be a certain, uh… animous toward the Black theater. Uh — a holdover, maybe, from the days when… when… [ he freezes upon noticing a tarantula crawling up Mr. Carver’s shoulder ] Mr. Carver. Don’t say anything, remain absolutely still! Don’t move a muscle. Try not to breathe, remain perfectly motionless!
Julian Carver: What are you talking about, man?
Dirk Savage: Miss Lenska! Miss Lenska!
Julian Carver: What is it?
Dirk Savage: You have a tarantula SPIDER on your right shoulder! The slightest movement could be your LAST! Miss Lenska… do you have a hairbrush?
Rula Lenska: Yes, I think so. As an actress, it’s very important that I look my best.
Dirk Savage: Shut up! Just give me the hairbrush! [ she hands it over ] Very slowly, Rula. Very slowly…
[ Dirk quickly beats Mr. Carver’s shoulder with the hairbrush, sending the tarantula flying to the floor, whereupon he jumps out of his seat and begins to stomp his foot arund the floor, then gives a final punch with his fist until he’s satisfied by the results ]
Dirk Savage: [ to Mr. Carver ] Are you hurt? Are you okay? Uh — now take a deep breath and try and tell me, uh… Is there a prejudice toward Black theater in America?
Julian Carver: [ gasping for breath ] Uh —
Dirk Savage: Try to tel us, please. It IS rather important.
Julian Carver: Uh —
[ Dirk begins to slap Mr. Carver across the face ]
Rula Lenska: Is he alright? Is he alright?
Dirk Savage: It was a bad scare. I think he’ll be alright. In the meantime, Rula — I’m jolly anxious to hear what ,i>you’ve been doing since I last — [ he turns to slap Mr. Carver in the face once more for godo measure ] since I last saw you. You must have been very busy working on the, uh, many theatrical projects, which would come the way of an actress as well known as yourself.
Rula Lenska: Well, Dirk, for the past year-and-a-half, I’ve been showing some American friends around London.
Dirk Savage: [ laughing wildly ] You’re absolutely irrepressible, Rula Lenska! And I strongly suggest that you get ready to get up, when I give the word, and dive down below your seat! In a minute… right NOW!!
[ Dirk trips Rula to the floor and grabs Mr. Carver, as bullets shatter the back wall ]
Dirk Savage: [ to Rula, as he helps her up ] Are you hurt?
Rula Lenska: I don’t… I don’t think so. Ask Mr. Carver.
Dirk Savage: Well, I’m afraid you’re the oen they were after. But don’t worry, they… they won’t be back.
Rula Lenska: [ distraught ] How do you know?
Dirk Savage: you’ll just have to… trust me.
[ Mr. Carver pulls out a gun ]
Julian Carver: You’re quite RIGHT, Mr. Savage! They WON’T be back! You see, there’s really no need!
Dirk Savage: [ raising his arms ] Tell me, Mr. Carver… How long has the KGB recruited off… Broadway?
Julian Carver: It’s really been quite pleasant chatting with you, Mr. Savage, but… [ looking around, nervously ] I’m afraid… as the saying goes… you’re about out of time!
Rula Lenska: And I have to go. I have to tape an Alberto V05 commercial. You see, I’m not really a famous actress and I really need the work.
Julian Carver: Ohhh, no, Miss Lenska. I enjoy your company FAR too much to let you run off! But — [ offstage, a bear growls ] But — what?
[ suddenly, a huge bear rushes onto the stage and pounces Mr. Carver to the floor ]
[ Dirk Savage jumps up to wrestle the bear and stabs it to death and kicks it to the floor ]
Dirk Savage: Alright. I thought this might have been the last show of the series… but NO! [ he sits and grabs Mr. Carver’s hand ] Now there’s one guest who WON’T be on a talk show again! Are you alright, Miss Lenska?
Rula Lenska: Dirk, I was so frightened!
Dirk Savage: Okay! I think we’ve had enough excitement for one day. [ to the camera ] Well, that’s all for this show. I hope you enjoyed it, and that you’ll join us again, for another edition of… “Talk Or Die”!
[ camera pans upward, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Belfast Parade and Mop-Up” ]
[ fade ]