Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
Roseanne Roseannadanna…..Gilda Radner
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: It’s official! Gerald Ford will not be a candidate for President this year.Announcing his decision at a press conference today, Mr. Ford said, “I believe that this country is in very grave danger, both at home and abroad, and I have decided that I am simply too stupid and inept to deal with the problems we face.”
Bill Murray: Well, it’s Day 132 of the hostages’ captivity in Iran, and we at “Weekend Update” are getting real sick of having to look at this face. [ show image of the Ayatollah Komeini ] It’s a face that’s so severe, it could stop clocks, make babies cry, and scare dogs off the back of a meat truck. The Ayatollah Komeini, who has recently taken a lot of razzing is down in the dumps, and he’s complaining that the whole hostage thing is making him look bad. President Bonnie Sidar of Iran has suggested to the depressed Ayatollah that he might fell better if he went out and bought himself a new hat. So, a few days ago, Komeini, unannounced to others, slipped out of the country, and headed straight to Paris, where he went on a madcap hat-buying spree.
At first, the Ayatollah drove the salesmen crazy, because he couldn’t decide which hat would say, “Hey, I’m a fun guy, just like you.” He tried on lots of wonderful hats, and lots of fun characters. He went for the Davy Crockett theme.. [ puts Davy Crockett hat on Ayatollah dummy ] ..that did not work. Then, he tried the ol’ jolly St. Nicholas business.. [ puts Santa hat on Ayatollah dummy ] Didn’t work. He went for Popeye.. [ puts Popeye hat on Ayatollah dummy ] The Popeye appraoch didn’t work. Then he thought he’d really get down and funky.. [ puts hat and shades on Ayatollah dummy ] ..he went for the whole Jake & Elwood routine – The Blues Brothers – didn’t work at all. Then he tried a sort of round-and-out neo-Super Fly kind of look.. [ puts pimp hat on Ayatollah dummy ] ..this did not work. Then he tried Bella Abzug, as a last resort.. [ puts flowery hat on Ayatollah dummy ] Even Bella can’t pull this one off. I gotta say: Ayatollah, if you wanna go, if you wanna get loony – I know you, you’re a nut – if you wanna go, you know, go festive. Let loose the party animal within you, okay? Go completely nuts! [ puts lampshade on Ayatollah dummy ] Now, get out of here, you crazy Komeiniac! Get outta here! Jane?
Yes, it’s that time of year again. The annual Newfoundland harp seal slaughter is under way, but this year no one should feel bad about it. A Canadian naturalist and seal export reports that the baby harp is a vicious little animal that despises human beings, lies, cheats, carries a gun and has bad breath. It is also masochistic and loves to be clubbed on the head by Norweigians. 180,000 of the beasts should get it this season, and, we say, good riddance!
Jane Curtin: Walter Cronkite was attacked by a swarm of Malaysian butterflies in his apartment last night. The butterflies beat Walter senseless with their flapping wings, and then made their escape down an air-conditioning duct. Walter was then taken to a nearby hospital.
Bill Murray: Jane? That’s not.. true, now, is it?
Jane Curtin: Yeah! Yeah, it is! It just came over the wire a couple seconds ago. Yeah!
Bill Murray: Jane.. come on, now..
Jane Curtin: Ooookay, Bill.. I just thought that he might get kind of mad, and cal up, and then maybe we could talk to him, and then he might ask to see me, and.. you know?
Bill Murray: You’ll do anything to get into that old geezer’s pants, won’t you?
This just in – black people in the United States have a lower standard of living than whites. More on this as the situation changes.
Jane Curtin: Scientists claim that the increase of radioactivity in the environment can adversely affect cows and the milk they give. Because of this, more pregnant women are choosing to breastfeed their infants. Here to ocmment further on this, is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mrs. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey writes in and says, “Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna: I want to breastfeed my baby, but i’m not sure how you do it? Which breast do I use? How do I get the milk to be the right temperature? Will I have to heat up my breast? Do I have to sterilize my nipple? When I’m done, do I have to put my breast back in the refrigerator? And if I ate a Hershey Bar, will my breast make chocolate milk?”
Mrs. Feder, I didn’t think it was possible, but you’re just as stupid as your husband! But I know exactly what you’re thinking, ’cause I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, was a breastfed baby. Imagine, if you will, a teeny, tiny, infant Roseanne Roseannadanna, cute as a little doll, being held close to her mama’s bosum, sucking away like there’s no tomorrow! It’s natural, and I love stuff that’s natural! Natural foods, natural childbirth, natural history, natural resources, natural gas. And, most of all, natural beauty.
I hate it when people try all these tricks to make themselves look like real hot chic. With grain, a lot of eye make-up, or those ladies who corn-roll their hair like a lot of little braids, and hang Lifesavers and lights and buttons and feathers and little stuff from Toys-R-Us on the bottom of it, and their heads are clanking around, and they look like curtains at a gypsy’s house!
Why, just recently, I was in Tiffany’s exchanging this silver-plated letter opener that NBC gave me for Christmas – $12, thanks a lot. When, who do I see leaning over one of the counters, but Miss perfect 10 herself – Bo Derek! You know, that curvy-smurvy new movie star that everybody’s getting all hot and bothered about, and I don’t know why? ‘Cause I’m standing there, when, all of a sudeen, Miss Perfect 10 Lady sneezes. Not like a cute, dainty little sneeze, but a real blast-o one! Miss Perfect 10 fogged up half the glass counters in Tiffany’s! So, what does she do? She opens her perfect little purse, and takes out a perfect little Kleenex, and dobs her perfect ltitle face and then throws the perfect little Kleenex into the perfect little ball, and when she wiped off her nose, she didn’t push back in this one little perfect little nose hair. It just stuck out there! It was long and it was black and it was perfect, and I thought I was gonna die! Just between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, I felt like yanking down two more hairs, braiding them and putting a bead at the end! Then, her nose would have looked like her hair. So I yelled, “Hey, Bo! Shove that hair back up your nose! What are you trying to do, make me sick?”
Jane Curtin: Roseanne..
Roseanne Roseannadanna: “You think you’re so neat, huh..?!”
Jane Curtin: Roseanne.. Roseanne! It’s really disgusting, you’re making me sick, okay?
Roseanne Roseannadanna: What’s your problem?
Jane Curtin: You’re straying from the subject, and you’re making everybody nauseous!
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes to show you, it’s always something! If it’s not one thing, it’s another! If you don’t know how to breastfeed your baby, or Bo Derek makes you sick at Tiffany’s. It’s just like the little song my father used to sing to me before I went to bed at night. He’d tuck me into bed, and he would sing to me this song, written by musically-happening cousin – Carlos Santana Roseannadanna. And it went like this [ singing ]:
“You’ve got to change your perfect ways, Bo Derek
before I-I-I sta-a-art loving you.
You’ve got to change, Bo Derek
‘Cause I-I-I do-o-on’t envy you.
You got perfect skin and white teeth, and you got perfect clothes
but you also got a black hair hanging out of your nose.
This can’t go on
Lord knows this can’t go o-o-o-on!”
Jane Curtin: You’re right, Roseanne, this can’t go on. That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.