Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 15
Room Service…..Garrett Morris
[ open on interior, hotel room, Ron sitting on bed putting his socks after having affair with Karen, who sits casually behind him on the bed ]
Ron: I just want you to know that it was.. really, really great. Thank you. Thank you very much, I really appreciate it.
Karen: Would you stop thanking me? you know, I mean, I had a good time, too.
Ron: Yes, I know that. But I.. realy appreciate it. Thank you again. [ looks at watch ] Oh, God, it’s 6:30!
Karen: Yeah.. time really goes by when you’re having fun. [ wraps arm around Ron ]
Ron: Yeah.. [ notices Karen is wearing his shirt ] Oh, God.. Oh, God, you’re wearing my shirt!
Karen: Yeah, I was cold-
Ron: Okay.. okay, now, don’t panic.. alright.. calmy, let’s take it real calmly now.. alright.. okay, now.. take the shirt off, and please God, don’t get youself on it..
Karen: What are you talking about?
Ron: My wife has an incredible sense of smell.
Karen: You’re crazy.
Ron: No, I am telling you. You know when you go to someone’s house? And their dog can smell your dog on you? Well, you see, that’s Nancy.
Karen: What is she, a bloodhound? [ retreats to bathroom to remove shirt ]
Ron: No. Nancy’s a wonderful.. woman. A wonderful, wonderful woman. A very special, special lady. And I really don’t deserve her.
Karen: [ shirt removed ] Well, here you go, Sport.
Ron: Thank you. [ smells shirt, panics ] Oh, no.. oh, no, I can smell you!
Karen: Do I smell good?
Ron: Oh, yes. Very nice. But I want the shirt to smell like me again. you see, the shirt has to smell like me again. Let’s see, I, uh.. I went to the gym – yes, I went to the gym. And I exercised at the gym – that’s right, I exercised at the gym.. and I met Jim. No, no..
Karen: You’re really quite the swinger, aren’t you, Ron?
[ Ron drops to the floor and begins to do push-ups ]
Ron: No, no.. no, not really, you’d be surprised.. Oh, good.. I’m beginning to sweat.
Karen: Ooh! [ climbs on top of Ron as he does his push-ups ] I used to do this with my father!
Ron: You used to do this with your father?
Ron: It occurs to me that this is working against our purpose here.
Karen: [ climbs off ] Relax, Ronald, you’re beginning to stink.
Ron: [ happy ] Oh, really? Really! Is that really true? you’re not just saying that to be polite, are you?
Karen: No. You really smell.
Ron: Oh, good! Thank you! Thank you very much! I, uh.. I know I should go, but I, uh.. I should talk to you. How are you?
Karen: [ sighs ] I feel great-
Karen: Uh.. I had a great time.
Ron: Oh, thank you! Thank you very, very much.
Karen: You’re a really great lover.
Ron: Thank you! You are, too. I think what we do here is.. fine. [ looking around the room ] Where are my pants? [ Karen points to his pants draped over a chair ] Thank you. Thank you very much. [ begins to put his pants on ]
Karen: Well.. Ron. how was I?
Ron: You.. you were fine. You were just fine. You were terrific.. as always. Thank you. Thank you again. You’re a very, very nice person.
Karen: Thank you.
Ron: I’m a bad person. I’m the problem! I’m the idiot! I shouldn’t have done this, this was a mistake! Why do I keep doing this?! Why do I keep doing this?! Why do I have to have sex?!
Karen: Because you’re human, Ron!
Karen: Because you’re an animal!
Ron: Why am I here?! Why am I here?! Why am I here?! Nancy’s at home, she probably has dinner on the stove waiting for me! What the hell do I do this or?! Why?! Why?! Why?! [ bangs his on the door repeatedly ]
[ someone knocks on the other side of the door; Ron develops a serious look of panic on his face ]
Ron: [ silently screams, and retreats to the bathroom ]
Karen: I’ll get it. [ answers door ]
[ Room Service enters enters with a cart of food ]
Karen: [ develops sly look on her face, decides to play joke on Ron ] Nancy! What are you doing here! [ pauses ] Yes! Ronald is in the bathroom! How the hell did you find us! [ pause ] You smelled us?! Why, that’s amazing! And look at you, you sweet thing, you brought us dinner! I’m sure Ron will be starved! You know, he’s been to the gym, and then.. well.. we had quite a workout here! [ laughs, then faces bathroom door ] Ron? Ron, you can come out now, I was just kidding. Ron. Ron, it’s Room Service! Remember, we ordered? [ turns to Room Service ] Come here, please. Would you say something?
Room Service: Uh.. uh.. it’s okay, Ron, man. Uh, it’s just Room Service, baby. Come on out here and eat something, maybe you’ll feel better. [ to Karen ] Uh.. you know, that’s really not nice, lady. [ to bathroom ] Hey, Ron! You got a pretty lady here, man, uh.. she’s good-looking, but mea-ean!
Karen: [ holds out tip for Room service ] There you go.
Room Service: Thank you very much. [ walks away ] Hey, nice talking to you, Ron! [ exits room ]
Karen: Come on out, Ron!
[ Ron slowly exits the bathroom, looking stiff ]
Karen: Are you alright?
Ron: My arm is numb. I think I’m having a stroke.
Karen: Do you want me to call an ambulance?
Ron: No, no! No! It would be better for all concerned if I died in the cab on the way home.
Karen: Oh, you poor man, you’d better lie down..
Ron: No, no.. I’ve got to go home now.
Karen: Oh, I can’t let you go if you’re having a stroke.
Ron: [ chuckles lightly ] Oh, I’m probably not having a stroke. I think I just don’t feel good.. not good at all.. and I want to go home! you can have my dinner, here.. I guess you paid for it.. [ pulls out money, then holds it back ] No.. no, no.. if I leave money, it’s too much like I’m.. leaving money.. uh.. I gotta go home. Uh.. thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m sorry.
Karen: Well.. goodbye.
[ they kiss ]
Ron: Gotta go.
[ she kisses him harder ]
Ron: Oh-oh.. oh, boy.. oh.. oh, God! Oh, boy.. Alright.. maybe just very quickly..
[ Ron and Karen tumble onto the bed and make out ]
Ron: Yes! You’re so nice.. thank you very much – you’re a wonderful.. thank you..
[ camera pulls out, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Senate Hearing Test” ]
[ fade ]