SNL Transcripts: Richard Benjamin & Paula Prentiss: 04/05/80: Mr. Bill Strikes Back


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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 15













79o: Richard Benjamin & Paula Prentiss / The Grateful Dead

Mr. Bill Strikes Back

Announcer: The story you’re about to see is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

(The title “Mr. Bill Strikes Back” makes a dramatic appearance.)

(Scene opens on a sidewalk with Mr. Bill and Spot.)

Mr. Bill: Oh, uh hey kids, it’s me Mr. Bill. Gee, you know, I’ve been having a lot of problems lately and well I’ve decided that it’s the people I’ve been hanging around with.

(Spot barks)

Mr. Bill: Oh, not you Spot. I’m talking about Mr. Hands and that mean ol’ Mr. Sluggo. You know, I think they’re out to get me. And, well I’m not going to take it anymore and I’m going to do something about it. So kids, I hope you’re ready to have fun today because we’re all going to the police. Yaaay!

(Cut to a police station. Inside, Mr. Bill and Spot are sitting on a chair.)

Mr. Bill: Oh boy, that Sluggo and Mr. Hands are really in trouble this time.

(A police officer (A pair of hands) appears)

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Well, hello lad. I’m Sgt. O’ Hanahan. May I be of some assistance to you?

Mr. Bill: Oh yeah, I would like to report a threat on my life.

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Well, who would want to harm a friendly little fellow like yourself?

Mr. Bill: Well, they used to be my friends, but lately they’ve been just mean to me.

(Spot barks)

Mr. Bill: Yeah, and their names are Sluggo and Mr. Hands and I’d like them locked up okay?

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Well, maybe you can describe them for our artists so that we can see what the virants look like.

Mr. Bill: (As the artist draws a picture) Okay, gee Mr. Hands is really short and he has ten fingers and Sluggo looks really mean.

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (As the artist shows his drawing of Mr. Bill and Spot) Tell me, does this look anything like the two of them?

Mr. Bill: Oh no! That’s not them!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (Pulls out a pile of wanted posters from his desk drawer) Okay, let’s see if you think you can identify them with their photographs.

Mr. Bill: Oh, I’ll try.

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Now tell me if you spot them. (Starts showing Mr. Bill the posters of criminals)

Mr. Bill: Oh, that’s not them. No, no, (Sees a wanted poster of himself!) Oh wait! Wait! That’s me!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Oh it says here that you are being wanted for armed robbery of the First Sluggo Savings and Loan.

Mr. Bill: No, but I didn’t do anything!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (Shows a wanted poster of Spot) And here’s your accomplice.

Mr. Bill: (Spot barks) No wait. We didn’t do anything!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: I’m afraid I have to take your fingerprints. (places Mr. Bill’s hand on the fingerprint pad)

Mr. Bill: No but I don’t have any fingerprints! No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (looking at the flattened hands of Mr. Bill on the pad and on his file) Hmm, they’re a perfect match.

Mr. Bill: Oh no, but I swear I didn’t do anything!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: I’ll have to have the handcuff the two of you. (Squeezes the handcuff around Mr. Bill’s chest.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, that’s too tight! No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: And off we go to the lineup.

(Cut to the lineup where Mr. Bill is joined by familiar faces.)

Mr. Bill: Oh no! Oh wait, Mom? Miss Sally? Mr. Hands?

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Oh no. The bank teller (Sluggo) says that it was you Mr. Bill that robbed his bank. (places Mr. Bill at the cell door.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, I’ve been framed!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: That’s what they all say. The sentence for armed robbery is twenty years in the slammer. (closes the cell door on Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait stop! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Bye bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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