Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 15
Mr. Bill Strikes Back
Announcer: The story you’re about to see is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
(The title “Mr. Bill Strikes Back” makes a dramatic appearance.)
(Scene opens on a sidewalk with Mr. Bill and Spot.)
Mr. Bill: Oh, uh hey kids, it’s me Mr. Bill. Gee, you know, I’ve been having a lot of problems lately and well I’ve decided that it’s the people I’ve been hanging around with.
Mr. Bill: Oh, not you Spot. I’m talking about Mr. Hands and that mean ol’ Mr. Sluggo. You know, I think they’re out to get me. And, well I’m not going to take it anymore and I’m going to do something about it. So kids, I hope you’re ready to have fun today because we’re all going to the police. Yaaay!
(Cut to a police station. Inside, Mr. Bill and Spot are sitting on a chair.)
Mr. Bill: Oh boy, that Sluggo and Mr. Hands are really in trouble this time.
(A police officer (A pair of hands) appears)
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Well, hello lad. I’m Sgt. O’ Hanahan. May I be of some assistance to you?
Mr. Bill: Oh yeah, I would like to report a threat on my life.
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Well, who would want to harm a friendly little fellow like yourself?
Mr. Bill: Well, they used to be my friends, but lately they’ve been just mean to me.
Mr. Bill: Yeah, and their names are Sluggo and Mr. Hands and I’d like them locked up okay?
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Well, maybe you can describe them for our artists so that we can see what the virants look like.
Mr. Bill: (As the artist draws a picture) Okay, gee Mr. Hands is really short and he has ten fingers and Sluggo looks really mean.
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (As the artist shows his drawing of Mr. Bill and Spot) Tell me, does this look anything like the two of them?
Mr. Bill: Oh no! That’s not them!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (Pulls out a pile of wanted posters from his desk drawer) Okay, let’s see if you think you can identify them with their photographs.
Mr. Bill: Oh, I’ll try.
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Now tell me if you spot them. (Starts showing Mr. Bill the posters of criminals)
Mr. Bill: Oh, that’s not them. No, no, (Sees a wanted poster of himself!) Oh wait! Wait! That’s me!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Oh it says here that you are being wanted for armed robbery of the First Sluggo Savings and Loan.
Mr. Bill: No, but I didn’t do anything!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (Shows a wanted poster of Spot) And here’s your accomplice.
Mr. Bill: (Spot barks) No wait. We didn’t do anything!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: I’m afraid I have to take your fingerprints. (places Mr. Bill’s hand on the fingerprint pad)
Mr. Bill: No but I don’t have any fingerprints! No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: (looking at the flattened hands of Mr. Bill on the pad and on his file) Hmm, they’re a perfect match.
Mr. Bill: Oh no, but I swear I didn’t do anything!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: I’ll have to have the handcuff the two of you. (Squeezes the handcuff around Mr. Bill’s chest.)
Mr. Bill: No wait, that’s too tight! No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhh!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: And off we go to the lineup.
(Cut to the lineup where Mr. Bill is joined by familiar faces.)
Mr. Bill: Oh no! Oh wait, Mom? Miss Sally? Mr. Hands?
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Oh no. The bank teller (Sluggo) says that it was you Mr. Bill that robbed his bank. (places Mr. Bill at the cell door.)
Mr. Bill: No wait, I’ve been framed!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: That’s what they all say. The sentence for armed robbery is twenty years in the slammer. (closes the cell door on Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: No wait stop! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
Sgt. O’ Hanahan: Bye bye!
Submitted by: Nick Johnson