Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
…..Al Franken

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Rumbling but strong earthquakes sends spewing tons of steam, mud and volcanic grit. Washington State’s 9,677-foot volcano, Mount St. Helens, is about ready to blow. Geologists agree that a major eruption is imminent, and could cause widespread disaster in the Pacific northwest. so, while there’s still time, we’d like to say goodbye to our NBC affiliate stations KHQ-TV in Spokane, and PING-TV in Seattle. We’ll miss you guys!

Republican presidential candidate hopeful John Anderson is taking some time off to consider running as a third-party candidate in November. Anderson was caught here in a rare moment of relaxation, sniffing a Coke at New York’s Studio 54.

Well, the early returns for the 1980 Census are coming in, and it appears that the results are very predictable. As projected, the population will exceed 250,000,000 people. The average family size has decreased from 4.5 to 3.1, and 60% more wives have joined the workforce. Thus far, the only surprise seems to be that 99 out of 100 Americans have a toilet in their kitchen.

Jane Curtin: Do you have a toilet in your kitchen, Bill?

Bill Murray: No. I use the Cuisanart.

Campaigning yesterday in Louisiana, former CIA Director George Bush finally reverted to his espionage training, when, after delivering a speech, he proceeded to memorize and eat it. Bush responded later, “It was just a reflex, and, besides, if the voters could swallow my speeches, why can’t I?”

Dan Rather was on special assignment this week in Afghanistan, disguising himself as an Afghani rebel in order to obtain material for a report airing on “60 Minutes” tomorrow night. Weekend Update has learned that the Rather report is an explosive one, dealing with numerous cases of overcharging by Afghani cabdrivers.

And Michu, the lovable circus midget, was executed by a firing sqaud this week. No explanation was given.

Jane Curtin: This just in: Medical experts say the Shah’s cancer has spread to Libya. more on this story as it develops.

And now, to talk about income taxes, is Weekend Update Social Sciences Editor, Al Franken. Al?

Al FRanken: Why, thanks, Jane! Well, now that it’s tax time, I know a lot of you are thinking, what can you do to help me, Al Franken, do my taxes. Well, first, let me say that 1979 was a pretty good year for me, even though it wasn’t part of the Al Franken Decade. As a major writer/personality for a major TV show, I did.. pretty well. I’m not gonna tell you exactly what I made, because it might make a few of you a little less likely to be concerned about me, Al Franken. But let’s just say that.. you’d be pretty impressed.

Now, one nice thing I learned about making a lot of money, is that on the percentage basis, the more money you make, the less taxes you really end up paying. For example, last year, George Bush paid $3,000 in taxes on almost $100,000 income. Not bad, George! You see, the tax codes are written by guys who have a lot of money – just like me, Al Franken.

Okay, now I’m gonna tell you three of the ways that I legally avoid paying my fair share of taxes. I’m not going to tell you everything – after all, this is something I pay my big-time accountant for, whose services are, by the way, tax-deductible.

Now, first – the Al Franken Corporation. You see, I make only $300 a week, paid to me by Al Franken the Corporation. Now, the rest of the money taken in by the Al Franken Corporation goes to paying many of the expenses of its employee – me, Al Franken. Now, of course, the more business expenses that Al Franken, me and Al Franken, the corporation can document, the less taxes I have to pay.

Which brings me to how you can help me, Al Franken with my taxes. I would like each and every one of you to send me your spare receipts. I mean, any receipts. you see, since I’m a comedian, almost anything I spend can be justified as a business expense. For example, this sports jacket. [ holds out sleeve ] See, I’m wearing it on TV, so it’s a business expense. [ pulls leg over desk ] You see.. these pants here. Now deductible, because they’re on TV. [ extends wrist ] Okay, this watch. It’s an expensive watch, it’s now deductible. Okay.. [ picks up tape deck and puts in on desk ] This portable tape deck. It’s got everything.. now deductible. Now, this Christmas, I went to Hawaii.. [ holds up picture ] ..and here’s a picture of me in Hawaii, taken by some friends I met there. And, I don’t know if you can see this – can we pull in a little closer there? [ camera zooms in on picture ] Now, obviously, I couldn’t have taken this picture unless I’d actually gone to Hawaii, and stayed in a hotel there. And I think that you, the audience, you like this picture, am I right? [ audence applauds wildly ] Okay, now the Hawaii trip is deductible.

Send me any receipt you can’t use! Books! Stationary! Medicine! My accountant can something with it, believe me! I’d like to talk especially to you poor people, who were unemployed in 1979, and went below the poverty level in ghettos of America. Now, you don’t pay taxes, you don’t need your receipts, so send them to me, please, everybody! Send in your receipts to me, Al Franken, New York, New York. I’d appreciate it. Thank you.

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Al, I hope everything works out.

The Television Advertising Bureau has revealed that sponsors last year soent $4.7 billion on TV advertising, and that rates have risen 75% in five years. For example, since this show has been on, a minute on “Weekend Update” has gone from $40,000 to $75,000 a minute.

Bill Murray: You mean, if I were a sponsor, I would have to pay $75,000 a minute for you? Don’t you think that sort of makes you feel like a prostitute?

Jane Curtin: I think I’m worth $75,000 a minute.

Bill Murray: I think I could get Jane Pauly for half of that.

Jane Curtin: If you like it in the morning.

Bill Murray: Maybe.. maybe they can throw in Pink Lady.

Individually-wrapped slices of American cheese, traveling at the speed of sound, caused sonic booms all along the easten seaboard this evening. The governor of North Carolina issued a statement asking coastal residents to pray long and hard throughout the night.

Bill Murray: One year ago this week, the nation’s worst nuclear accident took place in Pennsylvania’s Three Mile Island. Despite conflicting reports, Pennsylvania health authorities say there is no connection between the radiation leakage and soaring infant mortality rates. However, the accident is now one-year old, and thirty-one infants are not.

[ pulls out a cake with a huge nuclear reactor-shaped candle on top ]

Jan and Joe Roman of Wilskbury sent us this nuclear meltdown birthday candle to mark the occasion.

[ singing ]
“Happy Birthday to you
Happiest of birthdays to you-ou!
Happy Birthday, you old nuclehead
Happy Birthday to-oo you-ouou!”

Jane?

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night – feel better, Larry – and have a pleasant tomorrow.

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