Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 16
Camp Beau Soleil
Luke Johnson ….. Bill Murray
Alvin Williams ….. Garrett Morris
Claire ….. Jane Curtin
La Capitan ….. Strother Martin
Mr. Honeycut ….. Brian Doyle-Murray
Campers ….. Gilda Radner, Tom Schiller, Peter Aykroyd, Matt Neuman
Bounty Hunter ….. Tom Davis
Claire: Bonjour, and welcome to Camp Beau Soleil. My name is Claire and I will be your head counselor. I think you’ll find that at Camp Beau Soleil learning French can be fun. It may be a little hard at first, but don’t worry. I’m sure that by the end of this summer, the two of you will be speaking French like natives. Oh, here’s the camp director. We call him Le Capitan. Le Capitan.
[ Le Capitan and his assistant Mr. Honeycut come out of the cabin and stand on the porch. They are dressed like Southern sheriffs, and Mr. Honeycut is carrying a rifle ]
Le Capitan: A couple of new arrivals. Let’s see what we got here … (reads from a clipboard) … Luke Johnson?
Luke Johnson: Yeah, that’s me.
Le Capitan: It says here that you lived in Switzerland for three years. How is it that you don’t speak French already?
Luke Johnson: I have this mental block. I can’t learn languages. I have a note from my doctor.
Mr. Honeycut: When you talk to the captain, you address him as Le Capitan!
Le Capitan: Mental block? Well, this summer you’re going to be totally immersed in the language of French people. You will eat like them, you will sleep like them, and when you leave here you’re gonna talk like them. How about you … (reads from clipboard) … Alvin Williams.
Alvin Williams: (nervously) Hey man, I, I, uh, wasn’t even supposed to be here, man. Uh, I was supposed to go to Music Camp but my parents, they forgot to sign me up in time.
Mr. Honeycut: Hey! Ferme le bouche!
Alvin Williams: Huh?
Le Capitan: Thank you, Mr. Honeycut. Now, while you’re at Camp Beau Soleil you’re going to follow the rules. Rule #1 – All berets must be worn on a slant. If your beret is not on a slant, you spend a night in the box. Rule #2 – No semi-soft cheeses in the bunks. Anyone eating brie or camembert or any of those other semi-soft cheeses spends a night in the box. Rule #3 – Use the formal “vous” when addressing your counselors and staff. Anyone using the familiar “tu” spends a night in the box.
Claire: A night in the box can be very uncomfortable. Listen: Une nuit dans la boîte est très inconfortable.
Le Capitan: If you follow the rules, we’ll get along fine. Now, I can be a nice guy or I can be one real mean son of a bitch.
Claire: Son of a bitch: Fils d’une chienne.
Le Capitan: From here on in you will speak French. Here at Camp Beau Soleil, only I speak English.
Alvin Williams: Hey man, that’s not fair. I ain’t speaking no French, man. I’m here for, you know, the fresh air.
Le Capitan: Mr. Williams, I can see right now that your mind ain’t right, and a man can’t learn a foreign language when his mind ain’t right. Mr. Honeycut, take him to the box.
[ Mr. Honeycut takes Alvin by the arm and leads him off-screen ]
Le Capitan: And you, new meat, I hope you ain’t gonna be any trouble. I’ll see you at the movie tonight. Miss Claire here will lead you to your bunk and show you how to use the bidet.
[ CUT to Mr. Honeycut and Alvin at the box, a small structure that looks like a doghouse with “LE BOX” painted on it. Mr. Honeycut unlocks the door ]
Alvin Williams: Hey, where are you taking me, man?
Mr. Honeycut: You backsassed Le Capitan. You gonna spend a night in the box.
[ Mr. Honeycut hands Alvin a bucket and a tape recorder ]
Mr. Honeycut: Here’s your bucket. Here’s your headset. The dialogue tapes are in there.
[ Alvin climbs into the box and Honeycut locks him in. Inside the box, Alvin is listening to the instructional tapes in horror ]
Voice On Tape: “Hello Jean, how are you?” “Bounjour Jean, comment allez-vous?”
Alvin Williams: Oh no. Oh no!
[ DISSOLVE to several campers sitting in a small room with a projector, watching a movie. They laugh constantly. Luke sits in the back and starts talking to the camper sitting next to him (Gilda Radner) ]
Luke Johnson: They didn’t have to put him in the box his first day.
Camper: Shh! Le film, le film!
Luke Johnson: Aw, forget it. What’s the big deal about Jerry Lewis, huh? I don’t see the point of this.
Camper: Silence! (speaks French, imitates Jerry Lewis)
Luke Johnson: They’re not getting me to speak French. It’s a dying language. I don’t care how good the sauces are, the food stinks! I’m getting out of here. Look at this … (takes out a brouchure) Here’s a camp, Camp Mowaga. Look at the facilities! Canoeing, hiking, horseback riding, all the instructions are in English! That’s where I’m going! I’m running away tonight.
[ Luke takes a huge loaf of French bread and takes a bite. He slowly sneaks out unnotices as the other campers continue to watch the Jerry Lewis film ]
[ DISSOLVE to the next day, outside the small cabin. Claire comes out ringing a bell ]
Claire: Bounjour campers! Le Capitan wishes to speak with you all.
[ All of the campers, except for Alvin and Luke, are gathered together as Le Capitan comes out of the cabin ]
Le Capitan: Bounjour, campers.
Campers: Bounjour, le capitan!
Le Capitan: Well, it seems that last night one of you got a little rabbit in their blood and decided to take off. Don’t worry, he won’t get far. No one has ever gotten out of here without a thorough knowledge of conversational French. Ain’t that right, Mr. Williams?
[ Alvin Williams walks out the cabin like a robot and drones couple of French phrases before joining the other campers ]
[ Two Southern-accented bounty hunters enter with poodles instead of bloodhounds ]
Bounty Hunter: They got him, captain! They’re bringing him in now.
[ Mr. Honeycut drags Luke back to the camp, his clothes torn and dirty, his wrists in handcuffs ]
Mr. Honeycut: We caught him about five miles down the road, headed for Camp Mowaga.
Le Capitan: Camp Mowaga. What in the hell did you think you’d do there, boy? Make a few lanyards? Get a junior life saving badge? That’s not much to show for your whole summer, is it?
Luke Johnson: Maybe not. But at least you don’t have to wear those European swim trunks that are cut so that they don’t leave anything to the imagination.
[ Mr. Honeycut pokes Luke in the stomach with the butt of his rifle ]
Le Capitan: Luke …(holds up a picture of a cartoon cat)… how big is the cat?
Luke Johnson: (long pause) It’s a little cat.
[ Honeycut hits Luke in the head with a piece of wood ]
Le Capitan: Luke, how big is the cat?
Luke Johnson: It’s a little, bitty cat.
[ Honeycut hits Luke even harder, making him fall to his knees ]
Le Capitan: What we got here is a failure to communicate bi-lingually! Le chat es petite! HOW BIG IS THE CAT?
Luke Johnson: Le chat es petite.
Le Capitan: AGAIN!
[ Honeycut hits Luke again ]
Luke Johnson: Le chat es petite.
Le Capitan: There now. That wasn’t so bad, was it? You see, everybody? What we had here was a boy whose mind wasn’t right. It may take a while, but we will get his mind right. First he’ll master the grammar, then he’ll get the vocabulary, and he’ll come along good. And before you know it, he’ll be more French than the French. Miss Claire, why don’t you lead all of the campers in a little song?
Mr. Honeycut: Oh, “Frere Jacques” mon favorite.
[ Claire blows a note from a harmonica and leads the campers in a rendition of “Frere Jacques”. Text appears on-screen, read by Don Pardo ]
Don Pardo (V/O): Recent Congressional Sub-Committee hearings have led to an investigation into the dangers of teaching foreign languages in a camping environment. Camp Beau Soleil has since been converted to a camp for chubby children. Interested parents may call toll free 555-3872.
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ FADE ]
Submitted by: Dan Pascoe