SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Pink Lady and Carl


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Pink Lady and Carl

Carl Sagan…..Harry Shearer
Mie…..Laraine Newman
Kei…..Gilda Radner
Marvin Hamlisch…..Paul Shaffer
…..Howard Johnson
…..Lou Marini
…..David Sanborn
…..Howard Shore

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “During the past few months, NBC has brought you new television experiences in live music and live theater. Tonight, live from Studio 8H, NBC presents a new concept in public service informational programming, featuring the distinguished television scientist, Dr. Carl Sagan.

[ dissolve to Carl Sagan ]

Carl Sagan: Good evening! I’m Dr. Carl Sagan. [ the audience applauds ] Thank you! Thank you so much. And these are my two new and very good friends Mie and Kei… the remarkable Pink Lady! [ Mei and Kei surround Sagan as he wraps his arms around them ] And we are “Pink Lady and Carl”!

[ title card appears as the girls bow ]

Carl Sagan: Thank you. Tonight, the girls and I are going to explore some of the mysteries of this thing we call The Universe. [ to the girls ] Isn’t that right?

Mie: Yes! We can’t wait to find out all about time and space!

Kei: Like where’s our parking space… and what time we have to be here!

Carl Sagan: Hardly something! You know, one of the questions that’s been most baffling to astronomers — and one that fascinated me, until I got kind of busy — is the story of how the universe itself originated. It’s the science of cosmology, and here to help us to explain the nature of existence… is a close, personal friend of the entire universe — Mr. Marvin Hamlisch!

[ Marvin Hamlisch appears from behind a rotating facade of the set ]

Marvin Hamlisch: Hi, Carl!

Carl Sagan: Marvin, have you met Mie and Kei?

Marvin Hamlisch: [ sniffling ] Yes, as a matter of fact we… we met backstage in Make-Up! They were getting blusher applied to their sushi! You know what I mean?

Kei: My boy-friend took me to see mo-vie you did mu-sic for — “The Stink”!

Marvin Hamlisch: That’s “The Sting“. You know, I’m an important man in this business. Take it easy, or you’ll be back opening shopping centers in Hakido!

Carl Sagan: [ holding up a homemade atom ] Say, uh, Marvin — you know waht this is, of course?

Marvin Hamlisch: Oh… of course. It’s the atom. But… but what does this have to do with the universe, Dr. Sagan?

Carl Sagan: Well, a few years ago, astronomers, using new, very sensitive x-ray telescopes, picked up radio waves that were older than anything else ever recorded by man. Now, what we now think is this radio noise… is the explosion left over from the original Big Bang… that formed our cosmos. vI thought they were formed b North American Soc-cer League!

Mie: Not Cos-mos, stu-pid! — The Cos-mos!

Carl Sagan: Aren’t they something! Now, this Big Bang Theory of the universe is the one that’s most popular with scientists right now.

Kei: Oh, yes! Carl… we have that in Jap-an!

Carl Sagan: You do?

Mie: Sure! That what happens when a bullet train hit a daschund!

Carl Sagan: Well… not really. But here’s Marvin with Mie and Kei to illustrate an idea that may be equally as valid as the Big Bang Theory of the universe. It’s the… Big Band Theory.

[ Hamlisch sits behind his piano and plays, as Mie and Kei climb on top and dance ]

[ members of the SNL Band and perform a jazz-rock version of Deodato’s “Also Sprach Zarathustra” ]

Carl Sagan: [ clapping ] That is remarkable, Marvin! Remarkable girls. Just remarkable.

Marvin Hamlisch: Thank you. Thank you. But I’ve still got one question, Doctor…

Carl Sagan: Well, what is it?

Marvin Hamlisch: Well… Is the universe expanding forever? …Or will the whole process reverse itself one day, and… turn itself around and everything start to get smaller?

Carl Sagan: Well, that’s the… muckingly intriguing thing, Marvin! We… just don’t know!

Marvin Hamlisch: Well, gee… if YOU don’t know, I’d better get out of here!

Mie: Oh, what your hurry, Marvin?

Marvin Hamlisch: Well… I’d hate not to win another Oscar before this whole mishiga starts shrinking, you know what I mean?

Carl Sagan: Marvin, I know that, in all seriousness, you actually have to go tape a cerebral palsy special. Thank you for dropping by.

Marvin Hamlisch: Hey, wait a minute — I didn’t get to mention that I wrote the theme of “Good Morning, America”…

Carl Sagan: [ pushing Marvin away ] Marvin Hamlisch! What a guy! Well, you know, next week we’ll explore the surprising detective story of unraveling the development of human intelligence, with our special guests: Erik Estrada and Gloria Loring.

Mie: Oh, Carl! You know… we like you!

Kei: Yes! You are very smart!

Carl Sagan: Well… thank you, girls. [ he laughs ] You’re smart, too! Uh — before we go, is there anything else you know how to say in English?

Mie & Kei: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday… Night?”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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