SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Dave’s Variety Store

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Dave’s Variety Store written by: Matt Neuman

Dave…..Bob Newhart
Betty….Gilda Radner
Pete…..Bill Murray
Ruth…..Laraine Newman
Harry…..Harry Shearer
Mrs. Parker…..Jane Curtin
Tom…..Tom Davis
Garrett…..Garrett Morris
Isaac Stern’s nephew…..Paul Shaffer
Alan…..Alan Zweibel

[ open on interior, Dave’s Varuety Store, as the phone rings ]

Dave: [ answering phone ] Hello! Dave’s Variety Store. Oh, hi, Katie. No, things are kinda slow today. As a matter of fact, your mom and I were thinking of closing up soon. I will. Good night, sweetheart. [ he hangs up ]

Betty: [ entering from back room ] I, uh, put those boxes out in the back, honey.

Dave: Oh, good, we could use the room.

[ Pete and Ruth enter the shop ]

Ruth: Hi!

Pete: Hi, Dave. Hi, Betty.

Dave: Hey, hi, Pete! Hi, Ruth! How are you two today?

Ruth: Terrific!

Pete: Yeah, everything’s just fine, Dave. Say, Dave — would you have any of those… [ miming with his hands ] glass prisms? You know, those things that you hold up to the sunlight, and it breaks the light into rainbows?

Dave: [ thinking ] Yeah… yeah, I think we do.

Betty: Yeah! How many do you want, Pete?

Pete: Oh, two would be great, Betty.

Betty: Oh. [ she grabs two glass prisms ] There you go.

Pete: Hey, what do I owe you for these?

Dave: Uh… let’s say five dollars.

Pete: [ taking out his money ] That’s all I’ve got! Great! Thanks, Dave!

Ruth: Maybe we’ll get together this weekend?

Betty: Oh, I’ll give you a call! [ she wraps up the glass prisms ]

Ruth: Oh, great!

Pete: Thanks again!

[ Pete and Ruth exit ]

Dave: Honey, why don’t we go to a restaurant tonight?

Betty: Oh, not tonight, Dave. I mean, I just have that half-a-roast in the refrigerator.

[ Harry enters the shop ]

Dave: Hi. What can I do for you?

Harry: Well, I’ve been running all over town trying to find a copy of “Oh My Pappa” by Eddie Fisher. Any chance that you would have it?

Dave: Sure… sure, we got it. [ to Betty ] Honey, you know where “Oh, My Pappa” is, don’t you?

Betty: Oh, I’ll get it! [ she exits to the back room ]

Dave: Been having a hard time finding that record, huh?

Harry: Oh, you wouldn’t believe it! I mean, not one store has had it in stock in twenty years. The darn thing’s been out-of-stock since 1956!

Betty: [ re-enters with the record ] Here you go!

Harry: [ examining it ] You really do have it! That’s amazing! How much is it?

Dave: Uh — four dollars.

Harry: Sounds good to me! [ he pays ] Wait’ll my wife hears this!

Betty: [ she hands him his change ] There you go.

Harry: Thank you! [ he exits ]

Betty: Oh, uh, Dave? Did I tell you that Mrs. Parker called?

Dave: [ glancing outside ] Speak of the Devil!

[ Mrs. Parker enters ]

Dave: Hi, Mrs. Parker!

Mrs. Parker: Hey!

Dave: We were just talking about you.

Mrs. Parker: [ pleased ] Oh! Is it ready?

Dave: As ready as it’ll ever be. [ she giggles, as he pulls up a balloon ] Here you go — a pink balloon filled with pretzels. It was pretzels?

Mrs. Parker: [ examinging it ] Ohhh, yes… yes, it’s wonderful! I don’t know what I would do without you two.

Betty: Oh, you’re sweet, Mrs. Parker!

Dave: You, uh — you want me to put this on your account, of course?

Mrs. Parker: Mmm-hmm. Well, I’ll see you again soon, which will be the next time Ray lets me take the car! [ she exits, as Dave chuckles heartily ]

Betty: She’s something, isn’t she?

Dave: A real lulu!

Betty: Now it’s pink balloons!

Dave: [ he chuckles ] Honey, uh — do we have to have that roast tonight?

[ Tom steps up and clears his throat, as Betty points him out ]

Dave: Uh — yes, sir?

Tom: Yeah, uh… I was curious — do you have a machine to wash dirty poker chips? [ he pulls chips from his pocket ]

Dave: Y-yes, we do. But it shuts down at five o’clock, and it’s almost six now.

Tom: Oh.

Dave: Uh — unless you’re interested in buying a machine.

Tom: No, no, no… I can come back tomorrow. What I was really interested in was, uh — do you have a large medieval crossbow made out of white chocolate?

Dave: I, uh, I believe so. Uh, Betty, get me that chocolate crossbow — the white chocolate.

Betty: Oh. Right.

Dave: It’s wrapped in foil!

Betty: Uh-huh!

Dave: I hope you don’t mind?

Tom: No, are you kidding? What do I owe you for this?

Dave: That’ll be, uh, nineteen dollars and fifty-seven cents.

Tom: Yeah… yeah. [ he hands over his money ]

Dave: Okay.

Betty: [ returns ] Here you go!

Tom: Ahhhh!

Betty: Good eating to ya’!

Tom: Great!

Dave: [ hands over his change ] Here you go.

Tom: Thank you very much! [ he exits ]

Betty: Dave, uh — there’s only two of the white chocolate ones left.

Dave: Oh, boy… Okay, I’d better order some more. How are we doing on the, uh, bittersweet ones?

Betty: Oh, that’s okay — we’re alright on the bittersweet.

[ Garrett enters ]

Dave: Yes, sir?

Garrett: Yeah. [ he pulls out a shopping list ] Uh, here we go, let’s see… oh, here! Here it is! [ reading ] I’d like one dead turtle, frozen in a block of ice… Uh… and

Dave: [ glancing back ] Honey, you want to bring out the frozen turtle?

Betty: Right! [ she exits into the storeroom ]

Garrett: I want a half-a-television… Isaac Stern’s nephew… a square basketball… a #4 pencil… a dozen Dewey buttons…

Dave: [ chuckling ] Whoa, whoa! You gotta go one item at a time here! Uh — that was half a TV?

Garrett: Yeah, yeah… half a television.

Dave: [ reaching under the counter ] Okay, here you go… [ he pulls up half of a television ] Got that right there.

Garrett: Oh, yeah, yeah!

Dave: Okay, and, uh… Isaac Stern’s nephew.

Garrett: Isaac Stern’s nephew, yep!

Dave: [ calling out ] Honey, while you’re down there, bring up the Stern kid, will ya’?

Betty: Dave! Dave! Which one?

Dave: Oh! Uh, I forgot to ask you — Jeff or Mark?

Garrett: Oh! Jeff! Definitely Jeff, man!

Dave: [ calling out ] Jeff!

Betty: Alright!

Garrett: I want the label.

Dave: And that was…?

Garrett: A #4… no, no, I changed my mind. Give me — instead of the #4 pencil — uh, give me two square basketballs.

Dave: You’re the customer!

Garrett: Right. Yeah.

[ Dave places two square basketballs on the counter ]

Dave: Here you go.

Betty: [ returns with Isaac Stern’s nephew in tow ] Okay! Here you go, Sir! He’s a little dusty, but… [ she laughs ]

Dave: I hope you got $32 on you, because that’s what all this is gonna come to.

Garrett: Oh, I do… and I am very glad to pay it! [ he hands over his money ]

Dave: Come again.

Betty: Uh — here, Sir, I’ll help you with the Stern kid. Come on.

Garrett: Thank you very much.

Isaac Stern’s Nephew: So long, folks!

Betty: There you go.

Isaac Stern’s Nephew: Bye bye.

Betty: You have a car?

Garrett: Yeah, we got it. [ he exits ]

Betty: Alright. Bye bye. [ to Dave ] God knows what he’s gonna do with that frozen turtle!

Dave: [ laughing ] You know what, Betty? It’s, uh… We should close up.

Betty: Yeah. Well, you’d better call the distributor before we leave, we’re getting low on a few things.

Dave: Yeah.

[ as Betty flips the Open-Closed sign around, Alan tries to enter the shop ]

Betty: Sir, I’m terribly sorry — we’re closed!

Alan: [ frantic ] I need one thing — please, I need one thing. Please?

Betty: Well, what? What?

Alan: I need a propeller beanie. Please! I need it bad!

Betty: Propeller beanie?

Alan: Yeah.

Betty: [ she grabs one ] Alright, here you go. It’s right there.

Alan: [ he spins the propeller, then places the beanie over his head ] Oh, this is terrific! Oh, great.

Betty: Uh — two dollars.

Alan: [ he pays ] Thanks a lot, lady! Thanks a lot. [ he exits ]

Betty: You’re welcome. Uh-huh. Bye bye. [ she locks the door ]

Dave: [ on the phone ] Yeah — television halves… #4 pencils… uh, Dewey buttons, and, uh, I think that’s about it.

Betty: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait… Let me speak to Arnie for a minute.

Dave: Hold on, Arnie! [ he hands the phone over ]

Betty: Uh-huh. Arnie, uh, we’re gonna need some more of those propeller beanies. [ Dave chuckles ] Yeah, okay. [ she hands the phone back to Dave ]

Dave: Right, Arnie, that’s it. Oh! Uh, Arnie? Are you still there? Yeah, hold on. Just a… just a hunch, Arnie — yeah, listen, do you still have those inflatable Chet huntleys? Yeah, give me about half a dozen. Thanks, Arnie! [ he hangs up ]

Betty: Oh, Dave! You certainly are hot tonight!

Dave: [ laughing ] Well, come on — let’s go eat, honey.

Betty: It was sort of quiet today, huh?

Dave: Well, it’ll pick up tomorrow!

Betty: Yeah!

[ they exit to the back, as the camera pulls back on the set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Peacockmania” ] [ fade ]

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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Paul Alleeson

It’s inflatable Chet (not jet) Huntleys. He was a newscaster who worked from the 1930s to about 1970. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chet_Huntley