Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 18
Dave’s Variety Store written by: Matt Neuman
Mrs. Parker…..Jane Curtin
Isaac Stern’s nephew…..Paul Shaffer
Dave: [ answering phone ] Hello! Dave’s Variety Store. Oh, hi, Katie. No, things are kinda slow today. As a matter of fact, your mom and I were thinking of closing up soon. I will. Good night, sweetheart. [ he hangs up ]
Betty: [ entering from back room ] I, uh, put those boxes out in the back, honey.
Dave: Oh, good, we could use the room.[ Pete and Ruth enter the shop ]
Pete: Hi, Dave. Hi, Betty.
Dave: Hey, hi, Pete! Hi, Ruth! How are you two today?
Pete: Yeah, everything’s just fine, Dave. Say, Dave — would you have any of those… [ miming with his hands ] glass prisms? You know, those things that you hold up to the sunlight, and it breaks the light into rainbows?
Dave: [ thinking ] Yeah… yeah, I think we do.
Betty: Yeah! How many do you want, Pete?
Pete: Oh, two would be great, Betty.
Betty: Oh. [ she grabs two glass prisms ] There you go.
Pete: Hey, what do I owe you for these?
Dave: Uh… let’s say five dollars.
Pete: [ taking out his money ] That’s all I’ve got! Great! Thanks, Dave!
Ruth: Maybe we’ll get together this weekend?
Betty: Oh, I’ll give you a call! [ she wraps up the glass prisms ]
Ruth: Oh, great!
Pete: Thanks again![ Pete and Ruth exit ]
Dave: Honey, why don’t we go to a restaurant tonight?
Betty: Oh, not tonight, Dave. I mean, I just have that half-a-roast in the refrigerator.[ Harry enters the shop ]
Dave: Hi. What can I do for you?
Harry: Well, I’ve been running all over town trying to find a copy of “Oh My Pappa” by Eddie Fisher. Any chance that you would have it?
Dave: Sure… sure, we got it. [ to Betty ] Honey, you know where “Oh, My Pappa” is, don’t you?
Betty: Oh, I’ll get it! [ she exits to the back room ]
Dave: Been having a hard time finding that record, huh?
Harry: Oh, you wouldn’t believe it! I mean, not one store has had it in stock in twenty years. The darn thing’s been out-of-stock since 1956!
Betty: [ re-enters with the record ] Here you go!
Harry: [ examining it ] You really do have it! That’s amazing! How much is it?
Dave: Uh — four dollars.
Harry: Sounds good to me! [ he pays ] Wait’ll my wife hears this!
Betty: [ she hands him his change ] There you go.
Harry: Thank you! [ he exits ]
Betty: Oh, uh, Dave? Did I tell you that Mrs. Parker called?
Dave: [ glancing outside ] Speak of the Devil![ Mrs. Parker enters ]
Dave: Hi, Mrs. Parker!
Mrs. Parker: Hey!
Dave: We were just talking about you.
Mrs. Parker: [ pleased ] Oh! Is it ready?
Dave: As ready as it’ll ever be. [ she giggles, as he pulls up a balloon ] Here you go — a pink balloon filled with pretzels. It was pretzels?
Mrs. Parker: [ examinging it ] Ohhh, yes… yes, it’s wonderful! I don’t know what I would do without you two.
Betty: Oh, you’re sweet, Mrs. Parker!
Dave: You, uh — you want me to put this on your account, of course?
Mrs. Parker: Mmm-hmm. Well, I’ll see you again soon, which will be the next time Ray lets me take the car! [ she exits, as Dave chuckles heartily ]
Betty: She’s something, isn’t she?
Dave: A real lulu!
Betty: Now it’s pink balloons!
Dave: [ he chuckles ] Honey, uh — do we have to have that roast tonight?[ Tom steps up and clears his throat, as Betty points him out ]
Dave: Uh — yes, sir?
Tom: Yeah, uh… I was curious — do you have a machine to wash dirty poker chips? [ he pulls chips from his pocket ]
Dave: Y-yes, we do. But it shuts down at five o’clock, and it’s almost six now.
Dave: Uh — unless you’re interested in buying a machine.
Tom: No, no, no… I can come back tomorrow. What I was really interested in was, uh — do you have a large medieval crossbow made out of white chocolate?
Dave: I, uh, I believe so. Uh, Betty, get me that chocolate crossbow — the white chocolate.
Betty: Oh. Right.
Dave: It’s wrapped in foil!
Dave: I hope you don’t mind?
Tom: No, are you kidding? What do I owe you for this?
Dave: That’ll be, uh, nineteen dollars and fifty-seven cents.
Tom: Yeah… yeah. [ he hands over his money ]
Betty: [ returns ] Here you go!
Betty: Good eating to ya’!
Dave: [ hands over his change ] Here you go.
Tom: Thank you very much! [ he exits ]
Betty: Dave, uh — there’s only two of the white chocolate ones left.
Dave: Oh, boy… Okay, I’d better order some more. How are we doing on the, uh, bittersweet ones?
Betty: Oh, that’s okay — we’re alright on the bittersweet.[ Garrett enters ]
Dave: Yes, sir?
Garrett: Yeah. [ he pulls out a shopping list ] Uh, here we go, let’s see… oh, here! Here it is! [ reading ] I’d like one dead turtle, frozen in a block of ice… Uh… and…
Dave: [ glancing back ] Honey, you want to bring out the frozen turtle?
Betty: Right! [ she exits into the storeroom ]
Garrett: I want a half-a-television… Isaac Stern’s nephew… a square basketball… a #4 pencil… a dozen Dewey buttons…
Dave: [ chuckling ] Whoa, whoa! You gotta go one item at a time here! Uh — that was half a TV?
Garrett: Yeah, yeah… half a television.
Dave: [ reaching under the counter ] Okay, here you go… [ he pulls up half of a television ] Got that right there.
Garrett: Oh, yeah, yeah!
Dave: Okay, and, uh… Isaac Stern’s nephew.
Garrett: Isaac Stern’s nephew, yep!
Dave: [ calling out ] Honey, while you’re down there, bring up the Stern kid, will ya’?
Betty: Dave! Dave! Which one?
Dave: Oh! Uh, I forgot to ask you — Jeff or Mark?
Garrett: Oh! Jeff! Definitely Jeff, man!
Dave: [ calling out ] Jeff!
Garrett: I want the label.
Dave: And that was…?
Garrett: A #4… no, no, I changed my mind. Give me — instead of the #4 pencil — uh, give me two square basketballs.
Dave: You’re the customer!
Garrett: Right. Yeah.[ Dave places two square basketballs on the counter ]
Dave: Here you go.
Betty: [ returns with Isaac Stern’s nephew in tow ] Okay! Here you go, Sir! He’s a little dusty, but… [ she laughs ]
Dave: I hope you got $32 on you, because that’s what all this is gonna come to.
Garrett: Oh, I do… and I am very glad to pay it! [ he hands over his money ]
Dave: Come again.
Betty: Uh — here, Sir, I’ll help you with the Stern kid. Come on.
Garrett: Thank you very much.
Isaac Stern’s Nephew: So long, folks!
Betty: There you go.
Isaac Stern’s Nephew: Bye bye.
Betty: You have a car?
Garrett: Yeah, we got it. [ he exits ]
Betty: Alright. Bye bye. [ to Dave ] God knows what he’s gonna do with that frozen turtle!
Dave: [ laughing ] You know what, Betty? It’s, uh… We should close up.
Betty: Yeah. Well, you’d better call the distributor before we leave, we’re getting low on a few things.
Dave: Yeah.[ as Betty flips the Open-Closed sign around, Alan tries to enter the shop ]
Betty: Sir, I’m terribly sorry — we’re closed!
Alan: [ frantic ] I need one thing — please, I need one thing. Please?
Betty: Well, what? What?
Alan: I need a propeller beanie. Please! I need it bad!
Betty: Propeller beanie?
Betty: [ she grabs one ] Alright, here you go. It’s right there.
Alan: [ he spins the propeller, then places the beanie over his head ] Oh, this is terrific! Oh, great.
Betty: Uh — two dollars.
Alan: [ he pays ] Thanks a lot, lady! Thanks a lot. [ he exits ]
Betty: You’re welcome. Uh-huh. Bye bye. [ she locks the door ]
Dave: [ on the phone ] Yeah — television halves… #4 pencils… uh, Dewey buttons, and, uh, I think that’s about it.
Betty: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait… Let me speak to Arnie for a minute.
Dave: Hold on, Arnie! [ he hands the phone over ]
Betty: Uh-huh. Arnie, uh, we’re gonna need some more of those propeller beanies. [ Dave chuckles ] Yeah, okay. [ she hands the phone back to Dave ]
Dave: Right, Arnie, that’s it. Oh! Uh, Arnie? Are you still there? Yeah, hold on. Just a… just a hunch, Arnie — yeah, listen, do you still have those inflatable Chet huntleys? Yeah, give me about half a dozen. Thanks, Arnie! [ he hangs up ]
Betty: Oh, Dave! You certainly are hot tonight!
Dave: [ laughing ] Well, come on — let’s go eat, honey.
Betty: It was sort of quiet today, huh?
Dave: Well, it’ll pick up tomorrow!
Betty: Yeah![ they exit to the back, as the camera pulls back on the set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Peacockmania” ] [ fade ]