SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Bob Newhart’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Bob Newhart’s Monologue

…..Bob Newhart

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Bob Newhart!

Bob Newhart: Thank you! Thank you!

Now… have many of you saw — a couple of weeks ago, there was an encore and Broderick Crawford was the host of “Saturday Night Live”. Did you… see that? [ the audience applauds ] And… Broderick had one of the great shows — “Highway Patrol” — in the early days of television. But… I think people tend to romanticize early television. It was not all that great. There were a lot of programs on that were not… First of all, they would put anything on… because people would watch anything that was put in front of, you know, on the television set. Prticularly, one show — they used to have travelogue shows, and they weren’t… quite as slick as they are today. What they used to do was get a professor from some university, who was on a sabbatical — in Peru or somewhere — and, uh, he’d take his 8mm Browning and shoot a lot of footage, and, uh… and then they would build a show around him, and he was not a trained television personality. The show would start off with a very saccharine announcer, who came out. This program was called “Strange Peoples, Strange Lands.” It’s kind of an insult to them, I suppose, but that’s what it was called. And, uh… he came out, and he said this:

“Uh, ladies and gentlemen… welcome, once again, to “Strange Peoples, Strange Lands.” Our guest in the studio is Dr. Nicholls Ross. Dr. Ross has recently returned from a trip to Peru. He has brought back some very exciting film with him, which he calls “The Seven Lost Cities of the Incans.” Dr. Ross.”

[ Newhart steps back and assumes the character of Dr. Ross, struggling to locate the mark on the ground where he’s supposed to stand ]

[ high-pitched ] “Well, thank you — thank you — thank you very much. This, uh… this was indeed a very exciting trip that we made… [ he coughs ] to the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. [ pointing ] As you can see, uh, here in the film now, we’re driving into the modern city of San Sebastipol… [ he coughs ] a modern city cut out of the heart of the Peruvian jungle. And you see, uh — you see us loading up our boats… and the couple up there on the dock, interestingly enough, is the, uh, American consulate and his very charming wife, uh, Gloria. They, uh… they had thrown… they had thrown a farewell party for us the night before, at the, uh, American Consulate. The, uh, the woman you see directly to the left of the, uh, the American consulate and his very charming wife Gloria… is my wife Margo. She had, uh… she had hoped to, uh, take the trip with us — uh, however, she, uh, she came down with a sudden attack of dysentary and… [ he coughs ] this, uh, this made it impossible for her to go. [ he pauses ] Uh — on our… on our trip. [ he coughs ]

Well, here — [ he points ] Here, you… here, you see us some two days later once again, being towed off a sandbar in the harbor of San Sebastipol. We’re still a little… a little hungover from the… from the farewell… farewell party thrown by the American… American consulate and his very charming… [ he coughs ] charming wife Gloria.

Here, you see us some two days later, once again loading up the boats in the, uh, in the harbor of San Sebastipol… and a couple I’m sure you all recognize by now — the American consulate… and Gloria. Just, uh, just get a glimpse here of my wife trying… trying to make it back to the house. [ he coughs ] We only had, uh… we only had three, uh… three weeks in which to cover the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans, and we’d already… we already blown a week in the harbor of San Sebastipol.

[ pointing ] So here you see us finally under way and arriving late that afternoon at the first city of the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. The… then atives here were quite superstitious, and it so happened that our arrival, uh, coincided with a total eclipse of the sun. And the, uh… the natives began to beg us to please return the… big red ball to their sky. [ he smiles ] Which, uh, which we did, of course! Just… it just shows you there are lighter moments in… in even a trip as serious as ours.

[ pointing ] Here you see us arriving at the second of the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. They had a rather unusual custom in this particular village, of… of providing each male visitor with what, uh, what you might call a sort of, I guess, bride, for his stay there. [ he laughs ] We, uh… we tried to explain to them this was not… this was NOT a custom in our country, uh… However, an adage we learned throuh many years of travel… “When, uh, when in Rome, do as the… do as the Romans do.”

We, uh… we spent a total of two-and-a-half weeks in this village… [ he appears guilty ] Which only… which only left us one day in which to cover the other five Lost Cities of the Incans. Thank you… thank you very much.”

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Newhart smiles ]

Thank you very much! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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