Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 18
The Mr. Bill Show
(Scene opens at a newspaper stand. A newsdealer grabs a stack of papers and shows us the latest headline)
Newsdealer: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Mr. Bill gets twenty years in Sing Sing
(Cut to Sing Sing prison where Mr. Bill and Spot are in a jail cell. Mr. Bill is lying on his bed playing harmonica while Spot is howling.)
Guard: Awww cut that racket out Mr. Bill! You got a visitor. Come along. (Opens Mr. Bill’s cell.)
Mr. Bill: A visitor? Really? Now who could that be? (sees Miss Sally with a cake in the visitor room.) Miss Sally!
Miss Sally: Oh hi Mr. Bill. I brought something to cheer you up.
Mr. Bill: Oh boy! You know, I wasn’t sure you would come. Listen Miss Sally, I want you to know that I didn’t rob that bank. I was framed.
Miss Sally: I know you didn’t, Mr. Bill.
Mr. Bill: You do? Oh boy, that’s great. Listen, I’m going to work hard and be a model prisoner and I’ll be out of here in no time. I swear Miss Sally.
Miss Sally: Oh I know. The warden seems really nice and he says you’ll be out really soon if I’m nice to him.
Mr. Bill: (Sees it’s a picture of Warden Sluggo) Oh no! You stay away from him. He’s up to no good.
Miss Sally: (Holds Mr. Bill’s hand) Oh, don’t worry Mr. Bill. I wait for you no matter how long it takes.
Mr. Bill: Gee, oh boy yay! (goes back to his cell) She touched me, hey! And she’s going to wait for me too.
Guard: (Locking Mr. Bill back up) Yeah that’s what they all say. I wouldn’t count on it.
Mr. Bill: Oh no. I know Miss Sally. She’ll wait. Gee, I can’t wait to get started. Maybe I can get a job in the laundry room.
(Spot barks. Mr. Hands arrives and sticks his hand through the window)
Mr. Hands: Psst, Mr. Bill? It’s me Mr. Hands remember? Listen I heard about the bad news. But don’t worry, I’ll have you out of here in no time.
Mr. Bill: Oh no, I’m staying. Listen, if I’m good, I figure I’ll be up for parole in ten years maybe.
Mr. Hands: Nah, Miss Sally won’t wait that long. (Shows Mr. Bill a picture of Miss Sally with Warden Sluggo) Look she’s already cheating on you.
Mr. Bill: Oh no! Miss Sally! How could she?
Mr. Hands: Say, maybe we can shoot the lock off. (Shows Mr. Bill a cake with the words “Look inside” written on it)
Mr. Bill: But I don’t have a gun.
Mr. Hands: Here I brought one.
Mr. Bill: Where?
Mr. Hands: Here (pulls a gun out of the cake)
Mr. Bill: Wait a second Mr. Hands, You be careful with that. Don’t point it at me.
Mr. Hands: Don’t worry, don’t worry. Here cock the hammer for me (positions the gun where the hammer is in Mr. Bill’s hand)
Mr. Bill: Oh, But it already is.
Mr. Hands: Okay! (Shoots the gun and the hammer pierces Mr. Bill’s hand. The bullet ricochets off the lock and goes through Spot)
Mr. Bill: No wait, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: (Showing an escape with an X where Spot is.) See I brought this escape map. Maybe we can tunnel our way out.
Mr. Bill: Oh no, you just want to be mean. Now get out of here and leave us alone. Okay?
Mr. Hands: (With an axe) Gee I hope I hit the right Spot! (Hammers Spot where the X is. Water comes pouring out and starts flooding the room)
Mr. Bill: I can’t swim!
Mr. Hands: I better get you out of here before you drown.
Mr. Bill: No wait, Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!
Mr. Hands: Say, maybe I can yank the bars out. (Ties some rope to the window bars and puts some on Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: No wait! You dropped that rope on me! (Mr Hands drives his car with the rope attached and pulls Mr. Bill in between the bars) Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: Ooh you’re stuck! Gee, maybe this will loosen the bars (places some dynamite in the bars)
Mr. Bill: No wait that’s dynamite! Don’t wait stop! (Mr. Hands detonates the dynamite, exploding Mr. Bill who is sent into the prison yard and the sirens start blaring) Ohhhhhhh! Oh no! Leave me alone!
Mr. Hands: Uh oh! They see you! And the warden says he has you covered. So you better stand up and reach for the sky.
Mr. Bill: (Still stuck in the bars) But I can’t, I’m stuck. So don’t shoot okay? (The guards start shooting) Oh no! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They got me! Ohhhh! (the words “The End” are shot into Mr. Bill)
Mr. Hands: Bye Bye!
Submitted by: Nick Johnson