SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Restaurant

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn


Stan…..Bob Newhart
Nadine…..Jane Curtin
Waiter…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open in romantic restaurant, as violinist plays for diners and crosses past Stan and Nadine’s table ]

Stan: [ taking Nadine’s hand ] Nadine… I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks, but I feel like… we’ve known each other forever.

Nadine: I know, Stan! It seems more like ten years instead of just ten days.

Stan: Nadine, I know this may seem crazy, but… well, i’ve ben thinking about it for quite a few days now, and… if I were to ask you to marry me… do you think you might say Yes?

Nadine: [ she laughs ] I can’t believe this!

Stan: Does that mean Yes?

Nadine: [ nervously ] Well, don’t you think we’re rushing it a little? I mean, people are gonna think we’re crazy!

Stan: Well, who cares what people think? I mean, I know that these last ten days have been the happiest days of my life.

Nadine: Well… I — I —

[ the Waiter stumbles in with their food ]

Waiter: A salad for the lady…

Nadine: Thank you.

Waiter: The lamb chops for the gentleman… asparagus… [ he tries to place all this food on the tiny table ] Excuse me… Would you like some sour cream with the…?

Stan: No! No! We’re fine, we’re fine. [ the Waiter leaves ] Are you sure you don’t… you don’t want anything more? You must get very tired of, you know, eating salads!

Nadine: Oh, no, no! It’s plenty! With the salad dressing, it makes it very filling!

Stan: What about Saturday?

Nadine: What about Saturday?

Stan: Getting married. How about next Saturday?

Nadine: Well… I thought you’d at least give me a couple of weeks’ warning?

Stan: Hey — I mean, if we’re gonna do it, let’s do it! I mean, is there something the matter, honey?

Nadine: Well… there’s something I have to tell you. And I’m afraid that after I tell you, you won’t want to marry me.

Stan: Honey, there is nothing you could tell me that would make me not want to make me marry you.

Nadine: This is different. Uh — it’s something I think I should have told you a long time ago. I used to be a lot different than I am now.

Stan: Don’t worry about it! I’ve been around a little myself. I mean, I know I’m not getting Kristy MacNichol, you know!

[ they laugh ]

Nadine: No, no — it’s not like that. I-I… I don’t know know how to tell you… [ a beat ] I used to weigh 260 pounds. [ she pulls a picture out of her purse ] This is me. [ she hands him the picture ] Well?

Stan: [ looking at the picture ] Well… it looks like it was taken on a nice day.

Nadine: I think I’m gonna go to the ladies room. Excuse me.

Stan: [ stopping her ] Sweetheart… sweetheart, please. I mean, do you think something like this would make me NOT want to marry you? I mean, that this would make me somehow stop loving you?

Nadine: I… I just thought that once you saw that…

Stan: Nadine, you shouldn’t rush to thoughts like that. I mean… my mother is even a little… a little fat. I mean, nothing like this. But… a little!

Nadine: [ grabbing a large roll ] I didn’t think it would make any difference… but, you know, I wasn’t sure! [ she laughs as she eats the roll with a large slab of butter ]

Stan: How, uh — how, how many years ago was this taken?

Nadine: [ chewing ] Oh! That was taken about four months ago. It was right before I had my jaw wired shut. [ pointing to his food ] Would you give me a piece of that? Just a teeny, tiny… [ he grabs a small piece ] No, no — here. [ she grabs a larger piece and chews a huge mouthful ] I didn’t have any solid food for about three months… [ she swallows ] That’s how I thinned down. It worked a LOT better than when I had my intestines tied off. No. It worked okay… but as soon as I got untied, I gained the weight right back! You know?

Waiter [ returning ] Is everything satisfactory?

Stan: [ annoyed ] Yes, yes! Fine, fine. Thank you.

Nadine: Can we have a dessert menu?

[ the Waiter nods and exits ]

Stan: Listen, uh… Nadine, about Saturday? You know, maybe you’re… maybe you’re right about, you know, about giving ourselves a little more time! [ he chuckles nervously ] I mean, you know, we’ve got the rest of our lives, right? What’s… [ she grabs a large piece of food and stuffs it into her mouth ] What’s… what’s the rush, right?

[ the violinist steps closer, but Stan shoos him away ] [ fade ]

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