SNL Transcripts: Bob Newhart: 05/10/80: Restaurant




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18








79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Restaurant

Stan…..Bob Newhart
Nadine…..Jane Curtin
Waiter…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open in romantic restaurant, as violinist plays for diners and crosses past Stan and Nadine’s table ]

Stan: [ taking Nadine’s hand ] Nadine… I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks, but I feel like… we’ve known each other forever.

Nadine: I know, Stan! It seems more like ten years instead of just ten days.

Stan: Nadine, I know this may seem crazy, but… well, i’ve ben thinking about it for quite a few days now, and… if I were to ask you to marry me… do you think you might say Yes?

Nadine: [ she laughs ] I can’t believe this!

Stan: Does that mean Yes?

Nadine: [ nervously ] Well, don’t you think we’re rushing it a little? I mean, people are gonna think we’re crazy!

Stan: Well, who cares what people think? I mean, I know that these last ten days have been the happiest days of my life.

Nadine: Well… I — I —

[ the Waiter stumbles in with their food ]

Waiter: A salad for the lady…

Nadine: Thank you.

Waiter: The lamb chops for the gentleman… asparagus… [ he tries to place all this food on the tiny table ] Excuse me… Would you like some sour cream with the…?

Stan: No! No! We’re fine, we’re fine. [ the Waiter leaves ] Are you sure you don’t… you don’t want anything more? You must get very tired of, you know, eating salads!

Nadine: Oh, no, no! It’s plenty! With the salad dressing, it makes it very filling!

Stan: What about Saturday?

Nadine: What about Saturday?

Stan: Getting married. How about next Saturday?

Nadine: Well… I thought you’d at least give me a couple of weeks’ warning?

Stan: Hey — I mean, if we’re gonna do it, let’s do it! I mean, is there something the matter, honey?

Nadine: Well… there’s something I have to tell you. And I’m afraid that after I tell you, you won’t want to marry me.

Stan: Honey, there is nothing you could tell me that would make me not want to make me marry you.

Nadine: This is different. Uh — it’s something I think I should have told you a long time ago. I used to be a lot different than I am now.

Stan: Don’t worry about it! I’ve been around a little myself. I mean, I know I’m not getting Kristy MacNichol, you know!

[ they laugh ]

Nadine: No, no — it’s not like that. I-I… I don’t know know how to tell you… [ a beat ] I used to weigh 260 pounds. [ she pulls a picture out of her purse ] This is me. [ she hands him the picture ] Well?

Stan: [ looking at the picture ] Well… it looks like it was taken on a nice day.

Nadine: I think I’m gonna go to the ladies room. Excuse me.

Stan: [ stopping her ] Sweetheart… sweetheart, please. I mean, do you think something like this would make me NOT want to marry you? I mean, that this would make me somehow stop loving you?

Nadine: I… I just thought that once you saw that…

Stan: Nadine, you shouldn’t rush to thoughts like that. I mean… my mother is even a little… a little fat. I mean, nothing like this. But… a little!

Nadine: [ grabbing a large roll ] I didn’t think it would make any difference… but, you know, I wasn’t sure! [ she laughs as she eats the roll with a large slab of butter ]

Stan: How, uh — how, how many years ago was this taken?

Nadine: [ chewing ] Oh! That was taken about four months ago. It was right before I had my jaw wired shut. [ pointing to his food ] Would you give me a piece of that? Just a teeny, tiny… [ he grabs a small piece ] No, no — here. [ she grabs a larger piece and chews a huge mouthful ] I didn’t have any solid food for about three months… [ she swallows ] That’s how I thinned down. It worked a LOT better than when I had my intestines tied off. No. It worked okay… but as soon as I got untied, I gained the weight right back! You know?

Waiter [ returning ] Is everything satisfactory?

Stan: [ annoyed ] Yes, yes! Fine, fine. Thank you.

Nadine: Can we have a dessert menu?

[ the Waiter nods and exits ]

Stan: Listen, uh… Nadine, about Saturday? You know, maybe you’re… maybe you’re right about, you know, about giving ourselves a little more time! [ he chuckles nervously ] I mean, you know, we’ve got the rest of our lives, right? What’s… [ she grabs a large piece of food and stuffs it into her mouth ] What’s… what’s the rush, right?

[ the violinist steps closer, but Stan shoos him away ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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