SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Messy Burglars

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Messy Burglars

Husband…..Harry Shearer
Wife…..Laraine Newman
Phil…..Steve Martin
Franklin…..Bill Murray
Sadie…..Jane Curtin
Ruth…..Gilda Radner

[ FADE IN: ]


[ A HUSBAND and WIFE are assembling a jigsaw puzzle of Mount Rushmore while seated on a sofa. ]

Wife: Look! I think we’re starting to get Lincoln’s face.

Husband: No, no — that’s not his face…

[ Husband points to another area of the puzzle. ]

Husband: No, no — his face would be over here… that’s a cloud!

[ Wife examines the puzzle’s box. ]

Wife: I don’t see a cloud!

Husband: Look at the cover —

[ Two armed burglars, PHIL and FRANKLIN, burst into the room . ]


Franklin: Don’t move or we’ll blow your brains out!!!

[ Wife cowers into her the Husband’s arms. ]

Wife: Honey…

Husband: It’s all right, sweetheart. Let’s just do as they say and I’m sure we’ll get out alive!

Phil: It’s all right, sweetheart. Let’s just, mister! This won’t take very long… Franklin, over there…

[ Franklin jumps over to another area of the living room and starts trashing the area and laughing hysterically. Phil does the same. ]

Wife: Honey, I’m scared! Are they going to do anything to us?

Husband: I don’t think they’re going to do anything to us. Once they get what they’re coming for, I think they’re going to leave.

Phil: Shut up, you two!

[ Franklin presses his pistol on top of the Wife’s head. ]

Franklin: I told you to keep your TRAPS shut!!!

[ Phil and Franklin continue to trash the place and insanely laugh. Phil starts destroying the jigsaw puzzle, much to the disgust of the couple. ]

Phil: You okay, Frankie?

Franklin: Yeah, Phil — I’m all right!

[ Phil and Franklin make their way to front door, open it, and aim their pistols at the couple. ]

Phil: Okay now, don’t get cute and try calling the cops!

[ Franklin grabs the couple’s phone, examines it with Phil, disconnects the cord, and shares an idiotic laugh with Phil. ]

Phil: What a great mess!

Franklin: It was nice to meet you!

[ Both depart. ]

Wife: Oh my God!

Husband: It’s all right, dear — it’s all over. They’re gone.

Wife: I didn’t see them take anything… Did you?

Husband: No! That was the odd thing.

[ Husband gets off the couch and grabs the phone off the floor. ]

Husband: This place sure is a mess!

[ Two armed elderly women, SADIE and RUTH, burst into the room. ]

Sadie: FREEZE!

Ruth: Don’t move or we’ll blow your brains out!!!

Wife: Honey…

[ Sadie presses her pistol against the Wife’s neck. ]

Sadie: Shut up, little lady and no one will get hurt!!!

[ Ruth points her pistol at the Husband. ]

Ruth: You drop that phone and sit down! DROP IT! Now, SIT DOWN!!!

[ Husband drops the phone. ]

Husband: Yes, Ma’am.

[ Ruth joins Sadie. Husband consoles the Wife in his arms. ]

Sadie: Now, did two young men just come in here and do this to your apartment?

Husband: Yes, Ma’am!

Ruth: And did their names happen to be Franklin and Philip?

Wife: Yes, they just left! Who are you?

Ruth: We’re their mothers and we’re here to clean up. [beat] All right, Sadie — you take that side of the room, and I’ll take this side.

[ Wife gets up. ]

Wife: Maybe we can help you with something?

[ Sadie plunks the Wife back on the sofa. ]

Sadie: Not on your life! [beat] You better keep an eye on this one, Ruth…

[ Sadie drags Phil over to Franklin. A pistol is lodged to his side. ]

Sadie: And what about you, Philip?

Phil: I’m sorry, too. We made a mess. We shouldn’t have and it won’t happen again.

Ruth: Okay everybody — thank you very much! We’ll just be on our way, now. Sorry for the trouble.

[Ruth starts browbeating Franklin’s back with her pistol. ]

Ruth: I told you once, Franklin — I’ve told you a thousand times not to do something like this.

Franklin: You don’t have to browbeat me, mother.

[ The mothers and their sons depart. ]

Wife: Now, what?

[ Husband snaps his fingers. ]

Husband: I call the maid! Tell her she doesn’t have to come in tomorrow.

[ Wife nods her head. Both go back to assembling the puzzle. ]

[ Camera PANS OUT to show the Studio 8H audience applauding. ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs

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