SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Messy Burglars


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Messy Burglars

Husband…..Harry Shearer
Wife…..Laraine Newman
Phil…..Steve Martin
Franklin…..Bill Murray
Sadie…..Jane Curtin
Ruth…..Gilda Radner

[ FADE IN: ]


[ A HUSBAND and WIFE are assembling a jigsaw puzzle of Mount Rushmore while seated on a sofa. ]

Wife: Look! I think we’re starting to get Lincoln’s face.

Husband: No, no — that’s not his face…

[ Husband points to another area of the puzzle. ]

Husband: No, no — his face would be over here… that’s a cloud!

[ Wife examines the puzzle’s box. ]

Wife: I don’t see a cloud!

Husband: Look at the cover —

[ Two armed burglars, PHIL and FRANKLIN, burst into the room . ]


Franklin: Don’t move or we’ll blow your brains out!!!

[ Wife cowers into her the Husband’s arms. ]

Wife: Honey…

Husband: It’s all right, sweetheart. Let’s just do as they say and I’m sure we’ll get out alive!

Phil: It’s all right, sweetheart. Let’s just, mister! This won’t take very long… Franklin, over there…

[ Franklin jumps over to another area of the living room and starts trashing the area and laughing hysterically. Phil does the same. ]

Wife: Honey, I’m scared! Are they going to do anything to us?

Husband: I don’t think they’re going to do anything to us. Once they get what they’re coming for, I think they’re going to leave.

Phil: Shut up, you two!

[ Franklin presses his pistol on top of the Wife’s head. ]

Franklin: I told you to keep your TRAPS shut!!!

[ Phil and Franklin continue to trash the place and insanely laugh. Phil starts destroying the jigsaw puzzle, much to the disgust of the couple. ]

Phil: You okay, Frankie?

Franklin: Yeah, Phil — I’m all right!

[ Phil and Franklin make their way to front door, open it, and aim their pistols at the couple. ]

Phil: Okay now, don’t get cute and try calling the cops!

[ Franklin grabs the couple’s phone, examines it with Phil, disconnects the cord, and shares an idiotic laugh with Phil. ]

Phil: What a great mess!

Franklin: It was nice to meet you!

[ Both depart. ]

Wife: Oh my God!

Husband: It’s all right, dear — it’s all over. They’re gone.

Wife: I didn’t see them take anything… Did you?

Husband: No! That was the odd thing.

[ Husband gets off the couch and grabs the phone off the floor. ]

Husband: This place sure is a mess!

[ Two armed elderly women, SADIE and RUTH, burst into the room. ]

Sadie: FREEZE!

Ruth: Don’t move or we’ll blow your brains out!!!

Wife: Honey…

[ Sadie presses her pistol against the Wife’s neck. ]

Sadie: Shut up, little lady and no one will get hurt!!!

[ Ruth points her pistol at the Husband. ]

Ruth: You drop that phone and sit down! DROP IT! Now, SIT DOWN!!!

[ Husband drops the phone. ]

Husband: Yes, Ma’am.

[ Ruth joins Sadie. Husband consoles the Wife in his arms. ]

Sadie: Now, did two young men just come in here and do this to your apartment?

Husband: Yes, Ma’am!

Ruth: And did their names happen to be Franklin and Philip?

Wife: Yes, they just left! Who are you?

Ruth: We’re their mothers and we’re here to clean up. [beat] All right, Sadie — you take that side of the room, and I’ll take this side.

[ Wife gets up. ]

Wife: Maybe we can help you with something?

[ Sadie plunks the Wife back on the sofa. ]

Sadie: Not on your life! [beat] You better keep an eye on this one, Ruth…

[ Sadie drags Phil over to Franklin. A pistol is lodged to his side. ]

Sadie: And what about you, Philip?

Phil: I’m sorry, too. We made a mess. We shouldn’t have and it won’t happen again.

Ruth: Okay everybody — thank you very much! We’ll just be on our way, now. Sorry for the trouble.

[Ruth starts browbeating Franklin’s back with her pistol. ]

Ruth: I told you once, Franklin — I’ve told you a thousand times not to do something like this.

Franklin: You don’t have to browbeat me, mother.

[ The mothers and their sons depart. ]

Wife: Now, what?

[ Husband snaps his fingers. ]

Husband: I call the maid! Tell her she doesn’t have to come in tomorrow.

[ Wife nods her head. Both go back to assembling the puzzle. ]

[ Camera PANS OUT to show the Studio 8H audience applauding. ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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