Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 19
[ FADE IN: ]
[ INT. LIVING ROOM NIGHT ]
[ A HUSBAND and WIFE are assembling a jigsaw puzzle of Mount Rushmore while seated on a sofa. ]
Wife: Look! I think were starting to get Lincolns face.
Husband: No, no — thats not his face…
[ Husband points to another area of the puzzle. ]
Husband: No, no — his face would be over here… thats a cloud!
[ Wife examines the puzzles box. ]
Wife: I dont see a cloud!
Husband: Look at the cover —
[ Two armed burglars, PHIL and FRANKLIN, burst into the room . ]
Franklin: Dont move or well blow your brains out!!!
[ Wife cowers into her the Husbands arms. ]
Husband: Its all right, sweetheart. Lets just do as they say and Im sure well get out alive!
Phil: Its all right, sweetheart. Lets just, mister! This wont take very long… Franklin, over there…
[ Franklin jumps over to another area of the living room and starts trashing the area and laughing hysterically. Phil does the same. ]
Wife: Honey, Im scared! Are they going to do anything to us?
Husband: I dont think theyre going to do anything to us. Once they get what theyre coming for, I think theyre going to leave.
Phil: Shut up, you two!
[ Franklin presses his pistol on top of the Wifes head. ]
Franklin: I told you to keep your TRAPS shut!!!
[ Phil and Franklin continue to trash the place and insanely laugh. Phil starts destroying the jigsaw puzzle, much to the disgust of the couple. ]
Phil: You okay, Frankie?
Franklin: Yeah, Phil — Im all right!
[ Phil and Franklin make their way to front door, open it, and aim their pistols at the couple. ]
Phil: Okay now, dont get cute and try calling the cops!
[ Franklin grabs the couples phone, examines it with Phil, disconnects the cord, and shares an idiotic laugh with Phil. ]
Phil: What a great mess!
Franklin: It was nice to meet you!
[ Both depart. ]
Wife: Oh my God!
Husband: Its all right, dear — its all over. Theyre gone.
Wife: I didnt see them take anything… Did you?
Husband: No! That was the odd thing.
[ Husband gets off the couch and grabs the phone off the floor. ]
Husband: This place sure is a mess!
[ Two armed elderly women, SADIE and RUTH, burst into the room. ]
Ruth: Dont move or well blow your brains out!!!
[ Sadie presses her pistol against the Wifes neck. ]
Sadie: Shut up, little lady and no one will get hurt!!!
[ Ruth points her pistol at the Husband. ]
Ruth: You drop that phone and sit down! DROP IT! Now, SIT DOWN!!!
[ Husband drops the phone. ]
Husband: Yes, Maam.
[ Ruth joins Sadie. Husband consoles the Wife in his arms. ]
Sadie: Now, did two young men just come in here and do this to your apartment?
Husband: Yes, Maam!
Ruth: And did their names happen to be Franklin and Philip?
Wife: Yes, they just left! Who are you?
Ruth: Were their mothers and were here to clean up. [beat] All right, Sadie — you take that side of the room, and Ill take this side.
[ Wife gets up. ]
Wife: Maybe we can help you with something?
[ Sadie plunks the Wife back on the sofa. ]
Sadie: Not on your life! [beat] You better keep an eye on this one, Ruth…
[ Sadie drags Phil over to Franklin. A pistol is lodged to his side. ]
Sadie: And what about you, Philip?
Phil: Im sorry, too. We made a mess. We shouldnt have and it wont happen again.
Ruth: Okay everybody — thank you very much! Well just be on our way, now. Sorry for the trouble.
[Ruth starts browbeating Franklins back with her pistol. ]
Ruth: I told you once, Franklin — Ive told you a thousand times not to do something like this.
Franklin: You dont have to browbeat me, mother.
[ The mothers and their sons depart. ]
Wife: Now, what?
[ Husband snaps his fingers. ]
Husband: I call the maid! Tell her she doesnt have to come in tomorrow.
[ Wife nods her head. Both go back to assembling the puzzle. ]
[ Camera PANS OUT to show the Studio 8H audience applauding. ]
[ FADE OUT ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs