SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Deer Crossing

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 19

79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Deer Crossing

Deer #1…..Steve Martin
Deer #2….Gilda Radner
Cow…..Garrett Morris
Deer #3…..Bill Murray
Female Motorist…..Jane Curtin
Male Motorist…..Al Franken
Deer #4…..Tom Davis

[ open on Deer Crossing sign at the edge of an interstate highway, as two deer standing on hind legs run forward ] [ they watch and wait as the sound of cars zoom by, then make an effort to cross the interstate while no cars are passing ] [ suddenly, they quickly turn back as the sound of a passing car fast approaches ] [ they make another attempt to cross, but run back when they see a car coming ] [ just then, a cow wanders in on two hind legs ]

Cow: Moooooo! Say… excuse me! But do you know if there might be a Cattle Crossing near?

Deer #1: [ pointing with his hoof ] Uh — there’s one about a mile up the road. But you’re welcome to cross here, if you’d like.

Cow: Noooooooooo, that’s okay! Thank you!

[ the cow slowly ambles off ]

Deer #1: Take care! [ to his fellow deer ] Boy, was he lost! Can you believe that!

[ they watch cars zoom past ]

Deer #1: Now, normally I would have crossed here… but since you’re with me, I’d rather not.

Deer #2: Thank you, Deer!

[ a third Deer hops forward on his hind legs ]

Deer #3: Been waiting long?

Deer #2: Yeah. It’s pretty bad today.

Deer #1: I don’t know how they picked this spot. It’s a pretty ridiculous place for a Deer Crossing.

Deer #3: [ chuckling ] Yeah, well, I can’t wait all day. I’m going.

Deer #2: Don’t! Are you crazy?

Deer #3: [ chuckling ] Look, they have to stop! Right? It’s a Deer Crossing! I’m out of here!

[ he hops across the street ]

Deer #1: [ calling out ] I don’t think they have to stop!

[ suddenly, a car slams on its brakes and screeches along the road, as it collides with the dear ]

Female Motorist: Oh, honey! Couldn’t you stop?!

Male Motorist: It shot right out in front of me! Come on, let’s go!

[ they slam their doors and pull away, as more traffic passes at a rapid pace ] [ the two deer continue to watch for an opening, as a fourth deer bounds forward on its two hind legs, looks sadistically at the first two deer, then hops right onto the interstate without looking ] [ he can be heard getting clipped by a car, and momentarily returns to the other two deer, clutching his side and gasping as he retreats into the woods ]

Deer #2: Do you think maybe we ought to come back later?

Deer #1: [ he observes passing traffic for a moment ] Let’s go find a salt lick on the other side of the road.

[ they turn and walk back into the woods ] [ fade ]

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