SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/17/80: Deer Crossing



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19






79s: Steve Martin / 3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney

Deer Crossing

Deer #1…..Steve Martin
Deer #2….Gilda Radner
Cow…..Garrett Morris
Deer #3…..Bill Murray
Female Motorist…..Jane Curtin
Male Motorist…..Al Franken
Deer #4…..Tom Davis

[ open on Deer Crossing sign at the edge of an interstate highway, as two deer standing on hind legs run forward ] [ they watch and wait as the sound of cars zoom by, then make an effort to cross the interstate while no cars are passing ] [ suddenly, they quickly turn back as the sound of a passing car fast approaches ] [ they make another attempt to cross, but run back when they see a car coming ] [ just then, a cow wanders in on two hind legs ]

Cow: Moooooo! Say… excuse me! But do you know if there might be a Cattle Crossing near?

Deer #1: [ pointing with his hoof ] Uh — there’s one about a mile up the road. But you’re welcome to cross here, if you’d like.

Cow: Noooooooooo, that’s okay! Thank you!

[ the cow slowly ambles off ]

Deer #1: Take care! [ to his fellow deer ] Boy, was he lost! Can you believe that!

[ they watch cars zoom past ]

Deer #1: Now, normally I would have crossed here… but since you’re with me, I’d rather not.

Deer #2: Thank you, Deer!

[ a third Deer hops forward on his hind legs ]

Deer #3: Been waiting long?

Deer #2: Yeah. It’s pretty bad today.

Deer #1: I don’t know how they picked this spot. It’s a pretty ridiculous place for a Deer Crossing.

Deer #3: [ chuckling ] Yeah, well, I can’t wait all day. I’m going.

Deer #2: Don’t! Are you crazy?

Deer #3: [ chuckling ] Look, they have to stop! Right? It’s a Deer Crossing! I’m out of here!

[ he hops across the street ]

Deer #1: [ calling out ] I don’t think they have to stop!

[ suddenly, a car slams on its brakes and screeches along the road, as it collides with the dear ]

Female Motorist: Oh, honey! Couldn’t you stop?!

Male Motorist: It shot right out in front of me! Come on, let’s go!

[ they slam their doors and pull away, as more traffic passes at a rapid pace ] [ the two deer continue to watch for an opening, as a fourth deer bounds forward on its two hind legs, looks sadistically at the first two deer, then hops right onto the interstate without looking ] [ he can be heard getting clipped by a car, and momentarily returns to the other two deer, clutching his side and gasping as he retreats into the woods ]

Deer #2: Do you think maybe we ought to come back later?

Deer #1: [ he observes passing traffic for a moment ] Let’s go find a salt lick on the other side of the road.

[ they turn and walk back into the woods ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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