Weekend Update Exclusive Report, Part II


Weekend Update Exclusive Report, Part II

Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
…..Paul McCartney
…..Linda McCartney

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. the penny hitting the window didn’t-a work; my serenade didn’t-a work; but I know this is gonna work – a rock! [ turns around, throws rock at window, the lights turn on immediately ] That’s an old gossip columnist-a trick – Miss Rona toaught me-a that one. It’s works every time, he’ll be out I know it, you can-a bet on it! He’s coming, this is it, I can’t-a believe it!

[ Paul McCartney walks outside ]

Paul McCartney: What’s going on here?

Father Guido Sarducci: That rock, it was the milkman.. he did it, and then ran.

Paul McCartney: It wasn’t you?

Father Guido Sarducci: No, it wasn’t me. I’m-a here to do the interview. You know, I wrote you about it and everything, a registered letter..

Paul McCartney: Yeah, but that was supposed to be 11:30 last night, though.. I mean, you know.. it’s five in the morning now..

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. it’s a long-a story.. There was a time change, you didn’t hear about it? It’s like, every piece of land is one hour less than the other one. It’s a long story.. it’s really involved, it gets a little technical, I don’t think you want to go into it, but that’s the reason..

Paul McCartney: Listen, could we do this tomorrow? ‘Cause, I mean, really, it’s awful late..

Father Guido Sarducci: This is live! Look at this, it’s live television! This a hook-up satellite to the United States. This is it, now, let’s do it! You know what I want to ask you: Is it true that you haven’t had any marijuana in 122 days – yes or no?

Paul McCartney: [ sighs ] It was my understanding that we were just going to talk about the videotape, you know? Are they showing it yet?

Father Guido Sarducci: No, it’s still coming up.. But I just would like to ask you a couple of questions first. Just a couple.

Paul McCartney: Alright, that’s fine. Just as long as they are questions about the tape – just the tape, okay?

Father Guido Sarducci: It has to be questions about the tape? Well.. [ thinking ] ..how long did it take to make-a the tape?

Paul McCartney: Well, it took a lot of time, actually, because I play a lot of different roles on the tape. It’s only about four minutes long itself, but it took over a week to shoot it.

Father Guido Sarducci: If you was still smoking, do you think it would have taken longer or shorter?

Paul McCartney: Well, it might have taken longer.. but it might have seemed shorter than that. But I don’t see how that matters..

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, it would have taken longer, but it would have seemed shorter, that’s your answer?

[ Linda McCartney joins the party ]

Linda McCartney: I thought you were coming at 11:30?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. Paul got the time mixed up. It’s a long, long story, but it’s-a like, every piece of land is an hour earlier, and live far aay, so it’s really, really early there..

Paul McCartney: Linda’s in the tape, too.

Linda McCartney: Yeah, Paul plays ten of the characters, and I play two backup singers – one’s a fella.

Paul McCartney: Yeah, you know, most of the characters are based on certain definite people – I mean, for instance, you’ve got the keyboard player of The Sparks, and you’ve got Hank Marvin of The Shadows, you probably know them.

Father Guido Sarducci: Hank Marvin? Well, I’ve heard of him, but I don’t know him personally..

Paul McCartney: Well, we have this saxophone section, and there’s this hippie guy at the end of it. Well, he kind of gets all the stuff wrong..

Linda McCartney: Oh, he’s my favorite, the hippie guy! The sax section is really in time – while they’re going forward, the hippie’s always out of tune and time, he goes back, and..

Paul McCartney: The dancing I have to do is, like, real complicated to do, you know? I have to imagine the people.. it’s..

Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, I bet it is real hard to dance when you’re not stoned, am I right?

Paul McCartney: It wasn’t easy, but.. uh.. are you gonna show the tape?

Father Guido Sarducci: Yes. We are gonna show the tape, for sure. But I just want to aks you one more question, if you don’t mind. It’s very important, people want to know..

Paul McCartney: It’s not about marijuana, right?

Father Guido Sarducci: No.. This is a question I really hate to ask you, ’cause I know everyone always asks you this-a question, but I’m a journalist, I have to do it, if you don’t mind. Paul: If, just-a if, you could be any animal, what would it-a be?

Paul McCartney: Any animal?

Father Guido Sarducci: Any animal.

Paul McCartney: [ thinking ] Koala bear.

Father Guido Sarducci: Koala bear! Did you hear? Koala bear! Is that the little animal all the time, they eat eucalypse leaves, they get-a stoned all the time! Well, you heard it – koals bear! Well, that’s it. And you can take it back, America!

Paul McCartney: Okay, play the tape!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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