Steve Martin’s Monologue
Steve Martin: Do I look okay? I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Hey. Where has Steve been? Haven’t seen him on ‘Saturday Night Live’ in a while..” [ chuckles ] They want me. They call me every week to do the show. But I have been holding out for a little bit of this.. [ rubs his fingers together ] And so the calls fly back and forth, and I made a deal, and I’m very happy to be here tonight. I wish I’d asked for money instead of a little bit of this.. [ rubs his fingers together again ]
You probably heard I was into the comedy thing. Kind of getting out of that now.. into a little more serious deal. And so that’s why right now I’d like to talk about “What.. I.. Believe..”[ heavy music starts to play ]
“What I Believe.”
I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales.
And I believe in the family – Mom and Dad and Grandma.. and Uncle Tom,who waves his penis.
And I believe 8 of the 10 Commandments.
And I believe in going to church every Sunday, unless there’s a game on.
And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things.. that money can buy.
And I believe it’s derogatory to refer to a woman’s breasts as “boobs”, “jugs”, “winnebagos” or “golden bozos”.. and that you should only refer to them as “hooters”.
And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal.. high enough so youcan look up her dress.
And I believe in equality, equality for everyone.. no matter how stupidthey are, or how much better I am than they are.
And, people say I’m crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots are stealing my luggage.
And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story 1-bedroom apartment.
And I believe the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns.
And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was – an arctic region covered with ice.
And, lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than the music you’re listening to right now. That’s what I believe.
We’ll be right back.