Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 19
Real Incredible People
Chet Napes…..Steve Martin
Amelia Kane…..Gilda Radner
Bob Lylo…..Bill Murray
Buddy Bishop…..Harry Shearer
Marsha Craven…..Laraine Newman
Lucia Newell…..Jane Curtin
Willis Gaston…..Garrett Morris
Man in Audience #1…..Max Pross
Man in Audience #2…..Jim Downey
Woman in Audience…..Jean Doumanian
Man in Audience #3…..Tom Gammill
Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Real Incredible People”! [ title card zooms in ] The show that believes that real people are incredible![ dissolve to stage ]
Announcer: And now, here’s our “Real Incredible People” people: Chet Napes! [ Chet runs on stage ] Amelia Kane! [ Amelia runs on stage ] Bob Lylo! [ Bob runs through the audience to stage ] Buddy Bishop! [ Buddy runs on stage ] Marsha Craven! [ Marsha runs on stage ]
Chet Napes: Tonight on “Real Incredible People”, we’ll visit a man who has never opened his mail![ wipe to image of man seated on couch surrounded by unopened mail ]
Amelia Kane: Then, we’ll look at a woman who had the shape of her nose surgically altered![ wipe to image of woman facing sideways with a mismatched nose ]
Bob Lylo: And we’ll show you a man who gets around in what he calls… an electric wheelchair![ wipe to image of old man sitting peacefully in an electric wheelchair ]
Buddy Bishop: Then, we’ll be visiting a woman who owns… FOURTEEN DOGS!
Marsha Craven: And we’ll be talking to a man who likes to dress up like a woman and have sex with other men![ wipe to image of man dressed as woman ]
Chet Napes: BUt before we meet those REAL INCREDIBLE people, our first incredible guest is a man who really knows the meaning of… Stick-to-it-ivness!
Buddy Bishop: That’s right, Chet! He’s a man who talks softly… and carries TWO sticks!
Amelia Kane: But… they aren’t big!
Marsha Craven: He uses them to eat… RAW FISH!
Bob Lylo: Did you say raw fish, Marsha?
Marsha Craven: That’s right! But don’t take my word for it![ Oriental music plays, as we dissolve to Akira Yoshimura eating sushi ]
Marsha Craven V/O: Akira Yoshimura eats fish using two sticks made from a tree. The fish isn’t even cooked! It’s RAW!! [ the panel groans and oohs ] Even though Mr. Yoshimura can use a knife and a fork, he says he prefers eating with the two small sticks!
Buddy Bishop: That is hard to believe! Gosh, Marsha, when you were doing the story, did you eat any of the raw fish with the two sticks?
Marsha Craven: Well… I got as far as picking up the fish with the two sticks, but I didn’t eat any![ the panel laughs ]
Chet Napes: He was a REAL incredible person, Marsha, but perhaps not as incredible as our next REAL INCREDIBLE PERSON!
Amelia Kane: She does something EVERY NIGHT!
Buddy Bishop: In bed!
Bob Lylo: Before she goes to sleep.
Marsha Craven: Something in bed every night… before she goes to sleep!
Buddy Bishop: Have we made you think it’s sex? [ he chuckles heartily ] Well, it isn’t![ the panel laughs ]
Amelia Kane: No! But this woman actually READS every night before she goes to sleep!
Amelia Kane V/O: EVERY Night, for the last eight years — and EVERY night except one, for the past fifteen years — Lucia Newell has read at least one chapter of a book, or an ENTIRE magazine, before going to sleep! [ the panel is impressed ] Excuse me! Ms. Newell! What book is that you’re reading?
Lucia Newell: Uh — it’s called “Lord of the Rings”, by J.R.R. Tolkien!
Amelia Kane: And… what’s it about?
Lucia Newell: Oh! It’s about little furry people who live in the Middle Earth, and who have magic jewels and battles with forces of evil.
Amelia Kane: Wow-ow-ow!! That’s REALLY incredible!! And… what was that book you told me about when I called you?
Lucia Newell: [ thinking ] Oh! “Tale of Two Cities”! It’s about two men during the French Revolution. One lives in London, and one lives in France — and they look EXACTLY alike, and they switch identities!
The Panel: THAT’S AMAZING!!! THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!!
Chet Napes: Did you say they look exactly alike?
Lucia Newell: Yeah! And one gives his life for the other!
Amelia Kane: INCREDIBLE!!
Buddy Bishop: And this was the French Revolution, you say?
Lucia Newell: Yeah! There was a Revolution in France in 1789… when the feudal system was overthrown by the French people.
Bob Lylo: Wait! Overthrown? Completely overthrown?!
Lucia Newell: Yeah!
Bob Lylo: THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!
Marsha Craven: And, hey — have you been to Paris?
Lucia Newell: Yes.
Chet Napes: THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!! [ he stomps his feet ]
Amelia Kane: Well, we’d love to have you back on the show again! Would you have more books to tell us about?
Lucia Newell: Certainly!
Chet Napes: It’s always great to hear a story![ the audience applauds Lucia’s feat ]
Marsha Craven: These stories are incredible, Chet! But you won’t believe your eyes when you meet our next guest!
Bob Lylo: That’s right, Marsha. We have in the studio, a guest whose skin is very dark-brown!
Marsha Craven: Was he in a fire?
Bob Lylo: Let’s just bring him out! Please welcome Willis Gaston![ Willis Gaston, a black man, walks past the audience and takes a seat on stage between the hosts ]
Bob Lylo: Well! Mr. Gaston! How do you do it?
Willis Gaston: I don’t do anything, man! That’s just the way I am!
Bob Lylo: Well, it’s INCREDIBLE!! Yeah! Show them your palm! Look at this![ Gaston raises his hands to reveal their stunning blackness ]
Marsha Craven: Wow! Mr. Gaston, do people pay more attention to you because your skin is so dark?
Willis Gaston: Well, it depends where I am! If I’m out around a lot of black folk, it doesn’t make any difference!
Amelia Kane: You mean, there are people with black skin?
Willis Gaston: Yeahhhh…
Bob Lylo: WOW!!! THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!!
Marsha Craven: Wow! Maybe next time, we can have one of those BLACK persons on the show!
Willis Gaston: That WOULD be incredible![ the audience applauds his feat ]
Bob Lylo: Well, you know — every week, we meet LOTS of REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE! And one thing that we’ve found is that some of the MOST incredible people… are the REAL PEOPLE in our studio audience! So let’s meet some of the really incredible people who are here today![ cut to Chet standing next to a man in the audience ]
Chet Napes: What’s incredible about you?
Man in Audience #1: I flew up to the top of Pike’s Peak!
Chet Napes: Wow!! That’s INCREDIBLE!![ cut to Buddy standing over a second man in the audience ]
Buddy Bishop: Hi! What’s incredible about you?
Man in Audience #2: Remember those Pet Rocks a couple years ago?
Buddy Bishop: Sure!
Man in Audience #2: I BOUGHT one!
Buddy Bishop: That’s incredible![ cut to Marsha standing with a woman from the audience ]
Marsha Craven: Hey! What’s incredible about you?
Woman in Audience: I saw Debbie Reynolds in the supermarket!
Marsha Craven: That’s incredible![ cut to Bob standing next to the second man in the audience again ]
Bob Lylo: Hey, what’s incredible about you?
Man in Audience #2: My sister used to be a nun, but now she’s NOT any more!
Bob Lylo: That’s incredible!! Aren’t you the guy with the Pet Rock?
Man in Audience #2: Yes!
Bob Lylo: THAT IS INCREDIBLE!!![ cut to GR standing next to third man from the audience ]
Amelia Kane: Hey! What’s incredible about you?
Man in Audience #3: What’s incredible about ME… is that I’m on “REAL INCREDIBLE PEOPLE”!![ cut to audience clapping, as title card zooms in ] [ fade ]