Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 19
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.[ Jane reaches over to nudge Bill awake ]
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: A spokesman for former President Gerald R. Ford says it is highliy unlikely that Ford will be Ronald Reagan’s running mate in November. The idea of a Reagan-Ford ticket was originally proposed by SEcret Service, who thought it would definitely discourage any possible assassination attempts.
In his first mission as Secretary of State, Edmund Muskie met with Soviet Minister Gromyko in Vienna. After the meeting, Muskie announced that in future conferences, he would use interpretators. “The meeting should go a lot faster,” said Muskie, “and hopefully I’ll get more out of them.”
Last Monday, Picasso’s Acrobat With Arms Crossed was auctioned off for $3 million, setting a world’s record for a modern art sale. However, the record was broken the next day, when this Van Gogh Le Jardin du Puits Arles went for $5.2 million, setting a new record. But records are made to be broken, and yesterday in Paris, one of the great living artists, Marc Chagall, was himself sold at auction for a whopping $43 million. The buyer, Mr. Glen Lamont of Clearwater, Florida said, “If Chagall has two or three more paintings in him, I’ll break even.”
Bill Murray: Findings were released tonight by the Food and Drug Administration that show a link between the common cold and use of Kleenex. Apparently, most people are allergic to a fiber used in the paper tissues, and sneeze when they come in contact with it. The FDA advises that, for the time being, you should use your shirt sleeve, until the summer when you can use your forearm.
The Environmental Protection Agency announced that residents of the Love Canal area in Niagara Falls may have altered chromosomes from the toxic chemicals buried there. A spokesman for the Hooker Chemicals and Plastics Corporation, which has dumped waste into the site for years, calmed local residents by explaining that at least future generations will have someone to make fun of.
And Pope John Paul II ordained as a Bishop, Stymie Beard of the old “Our Gang” comics, last week. Stymie becomes the only member of the Little Rascals to get as high as Bishop in the Catholic Church.
Jane Curtin: At Baltimore’s Pimlico Racetrack today, California’s Codex beat favorite Genuine Risk in the 105th running of the Preakness. Running out on the money was a horse owned by TV’s “Quincy”, Jack Klugman, who, immediately after the race, performed an autopsy on his horse to determine why it lost. If he’s not satisfied with the results, Klugman will perform a similar post-mortom on his jockey, Daryl McHarve.
Ayatollah Khomeini went down to his local 7-11 and donated $50 to Jerry’s Kids this week, starting a drive the comedian hopes will raise over $30 million. There’s a rumor that Jerry Lewis is arranging to reunite Khomeini and his old political foe, The Shah, during next September’s telethon.
And in a related story, a new hostage rescue attempt was made by a bus this morning, but failed when the bus crashed into a building in downtown Tehran. The bus was reportedly based on the Navy vehicle carrier, The U.S.S. James Hoffa, anchored in the Persian Gulf.
Bill Murray: Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute was miniaturized to the size of a thimble and dropped into the Atlantic Ocean today. Parents of Rensselaer students are advised to check the tide charts in your local area.
And with recent polls indicating the possibility of a strong showing by John Anderson this Fall, experts now predict the election could be decided by the House of Representatives. As the Constitution states, if the House can’t come up with a majority vote, then the Speaker of the House becomes the next President. That man would be Thomas P. “Tip” O’Neill, seen here performing his hilarious “Beat Me, HUrt Me” burlesque act at Gonzaga University.
And the State DEpartment has issued the following warnings to Cubans making the arduous trip from Cuba to Florida: “Do not overdo the sun on the first day; Do not go swimming for at least a half an hour after eating; and No horseplay on the deck, please, somebody could get an eye poked out.”
Jane Curtin: As you know, we were scheduled to have Paul McCartney open tonight’s show, but we ran into some technical problems. But we are now switching back to London, where Father Guido Sarducci is standing by with Paul McCartney and a videotape of his new song. [ to the monitor ] Come in, Father Sarducci![ Father Guido Sarducci appears via satellite on the monitor ]
Father Guido Sarducci: Jane, it’s-a getting LIGHT here! The sun is-a coming up! It’s only a little bit-a after twelve o’clock in-a New York, but over here in-a London, England, it’s after FIVE in the morning.
Jane Curtin: Father…
Father Guido Sarducci: Can you believe it?
Jane Curtin: [ laughing ] Where’s Paul?
Father Guido Sarducci: [ taking a drag on his cigarette ] That-a guy, you know, he-a sleeps like a log! I think I must have thrown-a like-a two dollars worth of these-a coins — pences, they call them. [ mockingly ] Pences!
Jane Curtin: Father, I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but this hook-up cost a lot of money, and if Paul McCartney isn’t there to introduce his song like you promised, it’s going to come out of your check! [ she cackles with glee ]
Father Guido Sarducci: You know-a what-a I think the problem is? I think-a, maybe, since-a all of these people are down here, that he thinks-a it’s a BUST! Could be. Really. But… I think I know how to get him out. I’m-a gonna SING for him! I’m-a gonna sing a medley… of-a Beatles tunes. I’m-a gonna serenade him out of that place! That’s-a my plan! I got a what-a you call a speaker here… [ he raises a bullhorn ] A loud-a speaker. [ he positions himself in front of McCartney’s window and loudly sings “Revolution #9” into the bullhorn ] “We don’t-a want a revolution, nooooo! / We all-a want-a to CHANGE the world! / But if you go-a talking about-a destruction / Don’t-a you know that you can-a count me…” [ he switches to “Yellow Submarine” ] “In the town where I was born / Lived a man who sailed… that sea. / And he tells me…” [ he switches to “Hey Jude” ] “Hey, Jude-a!” [ he switches to “Do You Want To Know A Secret” ] “Do you want to know a secret? Ohhhhhh. / Do you promise not to tell?” [ he switches to “Elenour Rigby” ] “Elenour-a Rigby…” [ he switches to “Getting Better” ] “…used to be mad at my school / The teachers that taught me weren’t…” [ he switches to “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” ] “Desmond.” [ he switches to “I Am The Walrus” ] I am-a you, and-a you are me…” [ he switches to “Yellow Submarine” ] “…and-a we are all-a together in a yellow submarine.” [ he switches to “Day in the Life” ] “Well, I just had to laugh!” [ he switches to “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” ] “I saw Lucy in the sky with…” [ hjhe switches to “Michelle” ] “Michelle, ma belle…” [ he switches to “The Fool On The Hill” ] “The fool on the hill…” [ he switches to “Elenour Rigby” ] “Sweeping the rice from the church where her wedding has been.” [ he switches to “A Hard Day’s Night” ] “A hard day’s night.” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “And suddenly, I want to hold your…” [ he switches to “Help” ] “Help!” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “I want to hold-a your…” [ he switches to “Help” ] “I need-a somebody!” [ he switches to “I Want to Hold Your Hand” ] “I want to hold… your… handle!”[ thunderous applause from the audience ]
Jane Curtin: Excuse me, Father. I don’t think that worked, Father, I don’t see any lights going on.
Father Guido Sarducci: Well… I think-a maybe I should-a do it again. You know, maybe another time might work. Or maybe — you know, I know what-a I could do. I’ll sing-a some-a medley of-a Wings tunes. That’s, you know, his-a latest group. Maybe that’ll do it.
Jane Curtin: Yeah, Father — you keep trying, we’ll get back to you later.
Father Guido Sarducci: Okay.
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.[ Father Guido Sarducci continues trying to serenade McCartney down ] [ fade ]