Lord Douchebag


Lord Douchebag

Noblewoman…..Laraine Newman
Nobleman…..Peter Aykroyd
Butler…..Garrett Morris
Lord Worchestershire…..Jim Downey
Lord Salisbury…..Harry Shearer
Lord Wilkinson…..Tom Davis
Lady Wilkinson…..Jane Curtin
Earl of Sandwich…..Bill Murray
Servant…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Lord Douchebag…..Buck Henry
Lady Douchebag…..Gilda Radner


[ SUPER: SALISBURY MANOR – 1730 ]

Noblewoman: What a splendid party! I do believe everyone of anyimportance in England is here tonight.

Nobleman: Who would miss a party given by Lord Salisbury?

Butler: [ waiting at the door for guests to arrive ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson!

Lord Worcestershire: A marvelous entertainment, Salisbury! These chopped steaks are terrific, especially with this delicious mushroom sauce.

Lord Salisbury: Thank you, Coming from you, Worcestershire, that certainly is a compliment. [ turns to his guests ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson, welcome!

Lord Worcestershire: Tell me, Wilkinson, what the deuce is the purpose of two swords?

Lord Wilkinson: It’s simple, really. Let’s say you’re an anattacker. My first blade straightens you upright, while the second clips you neatly at the ankles.

Lady Wilkinson: And there’s Lady Wilkinson, for attacking youropponent’s underarms and legs!

Butler: The Earl of Sandwich!

Nobleman: Tell me, have you seen Lord Cardigan?

Noblewoman: I understand he was turned away at the door..

Nobleman: Lord Cardigan? Why in heaven’s name?

Noblewoman: He wasn’t properly attired. Evidently, he came in asweater.

Nobleman: Odd. I saw Lord Ascot, and he got in..

Butler: The Duke and Duchess of Argyll!

Lord Worcestershire: You know, Sandwich.. were the Sandwich Islands named after you?

Earl of Sandwich: Oh, no. Everyone asks me that, but I’m afraidnothing has ever been named after a member of my family.

Servant: Excuse me, your Lordship, but would you care for one of Lord Salisbury’s steaks?

Earl of Sandwich: Yes, I would. Would you bring it to me with a couple slices of pumpernickel, please?

Servant: Yes. [ steps away ]

Butler: Lord and Lady Doucebag!

Lord Salisbury: Well, well, well.. I was just asking Lord Sandwich, “Where the devil are those Douchebags?”

Lady Doucebag: Well, it has been impossible to get him out of his workshop! He has been working day and night.

Lord Salisbury: You, Douchebag? Well, I wasn’t aware youdabbled in that sort of thing. What in heaven’s name are you working on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, I would be happy to tell you.. but perhapsafter you have finished eating.

Lord Salisbury: Well, here is Chambers right now. Would you like something to eat?

Lord Doucebag: We’re not too hungry right now – just a plate ofraw vegetables.

Lord Salisbury: Would you like some dresing with that?

Lady Doucebag: Just some vinegar and water, thank you.

Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag, how are you? I haven’t seen you in the House of Lords in ages! Don’t tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag?

Lord Doucebag: My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.

Lord Salisbury: Spoken like a true Douchebag. I have often heard the King speak of your family.. [ to Earl of Sandwich ] ..and of yours, as well: “Give me a Sandwich and a Douchebag, and there is nothing I cannot do.”

Earl of Sandwich: Hear, hear!

Lord Salisbury: So, tell me, Douchebag.. when are you going to show us that invention of yours?

Earl of Sandwich: Yes, Douchebag, just what kind of an invention are you sitting on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, it’s a long story. Why don’t we go out to the garden, and I’ll explain it to you.

Earl of Sandwich: Tell me – did Lady Douchebag help you in theproject?

Lord Doucebag: Help? Why.. she was the inspiration!

[ they exit to the garden to discuss the wondrous invention ]

Butler: Lord Compost Heap and Lady Disinfectant Cake!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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