Lord Douchebag

Lord Douchebag

Noblewoman…..Laraine Newman
Nobleman…..Peter Aykroyd
Butler…..Garrett Morris
Lord Worchestershire…..Jim Downey
Lord Salisbury…..Harry Shearer
Lord Wilkinson…..Tom Davis
Lady Wilkinson…..Jane Curtin
Earl of Sandwich…..Bill Murray
Servant…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Lord Douchebag…..Buck Henry
Lady Douchebag…..Gilda Radner


Noblewoman: What a splendid party! I do believe everyone of anyimportance in England is here tonight.

Nobleman: Who would miss a party given by Lord Salisbury?

Butler: [ waiting at the door for guests to arrive ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson!

Lord Worcestershire: A marvelous entertainment, Salisbury! These chopped steaks are terrific, especially with this delicious mushroom sauce.

Lord Salisbury: Thank you, Coming from you, Worcestershire, that certainly is a compliment. [ turns to his guests ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson, welcome!

Lord Worcestershire: Tell me, Wilkinson, what the deuce is the purpose of two swords?

Lord Wilkinson: It’s simple, really. Let’s say you’re an anattacker. My first blade straightens you upright, while the second clips you neatly at the ankles.

Lady Wilkinson: And there’s Lady Wilkinson, for attacking youropponent’s underarms and legs!

Butler: The Earl of Sandwich!

Nobleman: Tell me, have you seen Lord Cardigan?

Noblewoman: I understand he was turned away at the door..

Nobleman: Lord Cardigan? Why in heaven’s name?

Noblewoman: He wasn’t properly attired. Evidently, he came in asweater.

Nobleman: Odd. I saw Lord Ascot, and he got in..

Butler: The Duke and Duchess of Argyll!

Lord Worcestershire: You know, Sandwich.. were the Sandwich Islands named after you?

Earl of Sandwich: Oh, no. Everyone asks me that, but I’m afraidnothing has ever been named after a member of my family.

Servant: Excuse me, your Lordship, but would you care for one of Lord Salisbury’s steaks?

Earl of Sandwich: Yes, I would. Would you bring it to me with a couple slices of pumpernickel, please?

Servant: Yes. [ steps away ]

Butler: Lord and Lady Doucebag!

Lord Salisbury: Well, well, well.. I was just asking Lord Sandwich, “Where the devil are those Douchebags?”

Lady Doucebag: Well, it has been impossible to get him out of his workshop! He has been working day and night.

Lord Salisbury: You, Douchebag? Well, I wasn’t aware youdabbled in that sort of thing. What in heaven’s name are you working on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, I would be happy to tell you.. but perhapsafter you have finished eating.

Lord Salisbury: Well, here is Chambers right now. Would you like something to eat?

Lord Doucebag: We’re not too hungry right now – just a plate ofraw vegetables.

Lord Salisbury: Would you like some dresing with that?

Lady Doucebag: Just some vinegar and water, thank you.

Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag, how are you? I haven’t seen you in the House of Lords in ages! Don’t tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag?

Lord Doucebag: My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.

Lord Salisbury: Spoken like a true Douchebag. I have often heard the King speak of your family.. [ to Earl of Sandwich ] ..and of yours, as well: “Give me a Sandwich and a Douchebag, and there is nothing I cannot do.”

Earl of Sandwich: Hear, hear!

Lord Salisbury: So, tell me, Douchebag.. when are you going to show us that invention of yours?

Earl of Sandwich: Yes, Douchebag, just what kind of an invention are you sitting on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, it’s a long story. Why don’t we go out to the garden, and I’ll explain it to you.

Earl of Sandwich: Tell me – did Lady Douchebag help you in theproject?

Lord Doucebag: Help? Why.. she was the inspiration!

[ they exit to the garden to discuss the wondrous invention ]

Butler: Lord Compost Heap and Lady Disinfectant Cake!

[ fade ]

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