Lord Worchestershire…..Jim Downey
Lord Salisbury…..Harry Shearer
Lord Wilkinson…..Tom Davis
Lady Wilkinson…..Jane Curtin
Earl of Sandwich…..Bill Murray
Lord Douchebag…..Buck Henry
Lady Douchebag…..Gilda Radner
[ SUPER: SALISBURY MANOR – 1730 ]
Noblewoman: What a splendid party! I do believe everyone of anyimportance in England is here tonight.
Nobleman: Who would miss a party given by Lord Salisbury?
Butler: [ waiting at the door for guests to arrive ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson!
Lord Worcestershire: A marvelous entertainment, Salisbury! These chopped steaks are terrific, especially with this delicious mushroom sauce.
Lord Salisbury: Thank you, Coming from you, Worcestershire, that certainly is a compliment. [ turns to his guests ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson, welcome!
Lord Worcestershire: Tell me, Wilkinson, what the deuce is the purpose of two swords?
Lord Wilkinson: It’s simple, really. Let’s say you’re an anattacker. My first blade straightens you upright, while the second clips you neatly at the ankles.
Lady Wilkinson: And there’s Lady Wilkinson, for attacking youropponent’s underarms and legs!
Butler: The Earl of Sandwich!
Nobleman: Tell me, have you seen Lord Cardigan?
Noblewoman: I understand he was turned away at the door..
Nobleman: Lord Cardigan? Why in heaven’s name?
Noblewoman: He wasn’t properly attired. Evidently, he came in asweater.
Nobleman: Odd. I saw Lord Ascot, and he got in..
Butler: The Duke and Duchess of Argyll!
Lord Worcestershire: You know, Sandwich.. were the Sandwich Islands named after you?
Earl of Sandwich: Oh, no. Everyone asks me that, but I’m afraidnothing has ever been named after a member of my family.
Servant: Excuse me, your Lordship, but would you care for one of Lord Salisbury’s steaks?
Earl of Sandwich: Yes, I would. Would you bring it to me with a couple slices of pumpernickel, please?
Servant: Yes. [ steps away ]
Butler: Lord and Lady Doucebag!
Lord Salisbury: Well, well, well.. I was just asking Lord Sandwich, “Where the devil are those Douchebags?”
Lady Doucebag: Well, it has been impossible to get him out of his workshop! He has been working day and night.
Lord Salisbury: You, Douchebag? Well, I wasn’t aware youdabbled in that sort of thing. What in heaven’s name are you working on?
Lord Doucebag: Well, I would be happy to tell you.. but perhapsafter you have finished eating.
Lord Salisbury: Well, here is Chambers right now. Would you like something to eat?
Lord Doucebag: We’re not too hungry right now – just a plate ofraw vegetables.
Lord Salisbury: Would you like some dresing with that?
Lady Doucebag: Just some vinegar and water, thank you.
Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag, how are you? I haven’t seen you in the House of Lords in ages! Don’t tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag?
Lord Doucebag: My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.
Lord Salisbury: Spoken like a true Douchebag. I have often heard the King speak of your family.. [ to Earl of Sandwich ] ..and of yours, as well: “Give me a Sandwich and a Douchebag, and there is nothing I cannot do.”
Earl of Sandwich: Hear, hear!
Lord Salisbury: So, tell me, Douchebag.. when are you going to show us that invention of yours?
Earl of Sandwich: Yes, Douchebag, just what kind of an invention are you sitting on?
Lord Doucebag: Well, it’s a long story. Why don’t we go out to the garden, and I’ll explain it to you.
Earl of Sandwich: Tell me – did Lady Douchebag help you in theproject?
Lord Doucebag: Help? Why.. she was the inspiration![ they exit to the garden to discuss the wondrous invention ]
Butler: Lord Compost Heap and Lady Disinfectant Cake![ fade ]