Buck Henry’s Monologue
… Buck Henry
Lucy Lawler … Liz Welch, SNL talent scout
Gary Lipton … Walter Williams, creator of Mr. Bill
Norma Jenkins … Mary Moore
Lee Mayman … Lee Mayman, scenic designer
Carl Quackenbush … Matt Neuman, writer
Robin Shurmerhorn … Robin Shlien, production assistant
Ron Waldo … Don Pardo, NBC staff announcer
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Buck Henry!
Buck Henry: Thank you. Hi, everybody. Thanks verymuch. It is wonderful to be back again. You know, thisis the one hundred and sixth Saturday Night Liveprogram. [applause] Yes. And it is the one hundred andthird time that I’ve hosted. You know, I’ve alwayshosted the last show of the year and this is the lastshow of the year. Some people, in fact, think it mightbe the last Saturday Night show ever. [audience groansand boos] But don’t worry! Because I’m here toannounce that Saturday Night Live will be back againnext year. [prolonged cheers and applause]
Not with the same people, of course. But with anentirely new cast of young, fresh, talented people toreplace the ones who were let go. And I’m sure – I’msure that these new kids are gonna grow on ya becausethey’re the cream of the crop of – of hundreds whoauditioned for the – the former producer and I – Ireally look forward to working with them and the newproducer in the years ahead, so let’s meet thesebright and funny newcomers! First, from Midland,Texas, Lucy Lawler! [tall brunette wearing jeans,rainbow-hued shirt and orange cap enters and joinsBuck, they stand with their arms around each other]Hi, Luce.
Lucy Lawler: Hello, Buck.
Buck Henry: I bet they’re going to be calling you “TheSweetheart of Saturday Night Live” pretty soon, Lucy.
Lucy Lawler: Well, to tell you the truth, I’m a littlenervous.
Buck Henry: That’s all right. It’s understandable.Gilda Radner was just as nervous when she firststepped out here five years ago. I helped her and I’llhelp you, too, if you know what I mean. [slyly bumpshis hip against hers]
Lucy Lawler: Well, thank you, Mr. Henry.
Buck Henry: You call me Buck from now on.
Lucy Lawler: Okay, Buck. [waves to the audience andwalks upstage]
Buck Henry: Now! Here’s a guy who besides being a finecomedian, plays many, many musical instruments.Welcome Gary Lipton! [thin, pale, bearded man wearinga black shirt made to look like a tuxedo enters andshakes hands with Buck] Hey, Gar. Gary, just how manymusical instruments do you actually play?
Gary Lipton: Oh, uh, well, uh, I can get a sound outof about twenty instruments.
Buck Henry: That’s fantastic! [to the camera] Okay!Next! [Gary Lipton awkwardly retreats upstage andjoins Lucy Lawler] A really funny lady originally fromCincinatti, Ohio and here’s Norma Jenkins. [plumpAfrican-American woman in overalls runs outenthusiastically and joins Buck] Hey, have you – haveyou done much television before, Norma?
Norma Jenkins: Uh, just a local show in Cincinatti.But it was on the same station that Mike Douglasstarted on.
Buck Henry: Okay, well, that’s good enough for us. Isay: “Bye bye, Garrett Morris — Hello, Norma!”
Norma Jenkins: All right! [pumps hands in the air andjoins the other cast members, forming a line upstage]
Buck Henry: Now! It’s time to meet a former member ofa fabulous comedy team and his name is Lee Mayman![short, bespectacled young man wearing a green shirtthat reads: “I’M LEE MAYMAN AND YOU’RE NOT” enters andjoins Buck] How you doin’, Lee? Lee, I understand youused to be a former member of a comedy team.
Lee Mayman: That’s right, Buck. It was called Holmanand Mayman.
Buck Henry: Mm hmm.
Lee Mayman: You might remember our William Tell bit.
Buck Henry: [after a pause] Lee Mayman, everybody![Lee Mayman joins his fellow cast members upstage]Okay. Now, let’s meet a guy who bills himself as – as”The Walking Loony Bin” — that’s what it says anyway.Let’s meet Carl Quackenbush! [bespectacled man infrock coat and carrying a cigar enters doing animitation of Groucho Marx’s famous crouch and joinsBuck] Well, Carl, are you gonna be the next BillMurray?
Carl Quackenbush: [sounds just like Groucho] Icertainly hope not.
Buck Henry: “I certainly hope not”! If that’s the kindo’ comedy we can expect from this guy, I think we’rein for some big belly laughs this fall! [CarlQuackenbush heads upstage] Okay, folks, let’s meetRobin Shurmer– [has trouble reading the cue card]Shurmer – Robin – Robin Shurmerhorn! [cute brunette ina floral blouse enters and joins Buck] Robin! Did Ipronounce that correctly?
Robin Shurmerhorn: Yes, it’s Shurmerhorn.
Buck Henry: [slight pause] Well, thank you, Robin.Okay! [Robin Shurmerhorn heads upstage] And last -last, folks, but not least, here’s Ron Waldo![sixty-something year old man in a blue jogging suitruns out and joins Buck]
Ron Waldo: Heeey! Buck! Thank you.
Buck Henry: Now, Ron, they say you do a greatimitation of Don Pardo.
Ron Waldo: That’s right, Buck. [flawless imitation ofDon Pardo] “It’s Saturday Night Live!!!”
Buck Henry: That’s terrific. Terrific, Ron. Okay. [RonWaldo joins the others upstage, by now they’re alllined up behind Buck] There you have it, ladies andgentlemen. How about a big hand for these stars of thefuture? [Buck steps aside and we pull back to view theentire new cast lined up, waving to the audience whocheer and applaud. Finally, Buck steps forward andraises a hand.] All of them – all of these kids aregonna be spending the summer at NBC’s Comedy Camp inupstate New York – studying assiduously under thesupervision of NBC’s dean of comedy workshops, Mr.John Barbour! So, these kids will be back in the fallbut – we’ll be right back!
[Applause. Wider shot of the new cast waving, Buckjerks a thumb at them, nodding and smilingsupportively.]
Submitted Anonymously
