Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 20
79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity
Week in Review
Paul Heverly…..Bill Murray
Dick Drake…..Harry Shearer
Countess Luciana Palermo…..Jane Curtin
Leon Satin…..Garrett Morris
Hugh Gaffney…..Buck Henry
[ open on panelists whispering among themselves over jazzy music ]
[ camera zooms in on Paul Heverly as the music fades ]
Paul Heverly: Good evening. Welcome to “Week in Review”. I’m your moderator, Paul Heverly. Well, it’s been a busy week in the news, and, uh, we have a lot to discuss. I can see that our panelists are anxious to get started, so let’s introduce them. First, our regulars: from The New York Post, Dick Drake.
[ SUPER: “Dick Drake (Pseudonym) New York Post” ]
…from the Midnight Globe, Countess Luciana Palermo.
[ SUPER: “Countess Luciana Palermo (Pen Name) Midnight Globe” ]
…from the National Enquirer, Leon Satin.
[ SUPER: “Leon Satin (Nom de Plume) National Enquirer” ]
…and our special guest, making his first appearance on the show, political analyst for the New York Times, Hugh Gaffney.
[ SUPER: “Hugh Gaffney, New York Times” ]
Paul Heverly: Is that your real name, Hugh?
Hugh Gaffney: [ confused ] Yes.
Paul Heverly: Huh. Huh. Well, Dick, let’s start with you: What’s the week’s top story?
Dick Drake: Well, Nick, I’d say this week’s top story HAS to be the woman whose baby was eaten by the German Shephard.
Paul Heverly: Now, Dick, you followed that story perhaps more closely than the rest of us. Was she a Devil worshipper?
Dick Drake: No. No, no, no. There was some speculation to that early in the week, but, in essence, she was a heroin addict, she simply left her alone in the apartment for several days with the German Shephard. I think every analyst would agree the dog had nothing to eat, and as a result ate the child.
Leon Satin: Uhhhh — man, you really think that’s a bigger story than the DIET that lets you eat ALL the chocolate you want… and STILL lose twenty pounds a week? Hmm?
Dick Drake: Well… let me put it this way: If there’d been one more just slightly bizarre twist the the German Shephard story —
Leon Satin: Yeah.
Dick Drake: Let’s sayyyyy she’d been on her way to the prom, for example, or… just won the lottery the night her baby was eaten. I think we’d be talking about one of the most significant stories of the year.
ountess Luciana Palermo: More significant than Loni Anderson’s operation to reduce her breast size?
Dick Drake: Well, I just don’t think anybody was surprised by that, believe it or not.
Hugh Gaffney: [ interrupting ] I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! But… wouldn’t you say that the TOP story was the Presidential race, that Carter and Reagan seem to have nailed down their parties’ nominations! [ he smiles satisfactorily but gets no response ]
Paul Heverly: Well, Countess, your paper ran a very big story this week on the Kennedy campaign.
Dick Drake: Yes, Nick! As you know, we learned that immediately after the accident at Chappaquiddick, the first person Teddy called was not his wife or a close advisor, but an attractive, busty German divorcee Helga Wagner.
Paul Heverly: I understand your paper printed a verbatim transcript of their phone conversation?
ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, yes! It was a psychic reconstruction of the conversation, which we ran completely unedited.
Dick Drake: Countess. Am I wrong on this, or was she on her way to her Senior prom when she received the phone call from Kennedy?
ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, nooooo. But wouldn’t it have been something if she HAD been?
Paul Heverly: Leon, with the summer months coming up, can we look forward to any more cattle mutilations or hammer murders? Uh, perhaps some manifestations of the spirit of Elvis Presley speaking through people’s air conditioner vents?
Leon Satin: Uhhh, certainly, man! It’s going to be a loooooong, hot summer! No question about that. BUT! I think the story that’s just NOT going to go away… is 10 Ways to Beat the Heat!
[ the panelists agree, as Hugh waves his hand ]
Paul Heverly: Hugh? You have a thought?
Hugh Gaffney: Yes. I’m sorry, I just can’t help but think that the economy is one of the major stories at the moment, simply because it affects SO many people.
[ the panelists stare silently at Hugh ]
Dick Drake: Well, I think perhaps what Hugh is trying to get at, is that when times are tough, people will be under a lot of emotional pressure. I think, if it’s me, I think we’ll see MORE stewardesses thrown in front of suburban trains, MORE groups of Japanese tourists doused with gasoline and set on fire — I agree with you.
Hugh Gaffney: Uh, no — I was thinking more of the effect of the recession on the average family.
ountess Luciana Palermo: [ excited ] Ohhhh! You mean like the Detroit auto worker with eight kids, who was laid off from his assembly-line job!
Hugh Gaffney: Yes!
ountess Luciana Palermo: And he went a little crazy, murdered his entire family and buried them in the neighbor’s back yard!
Hugh Gaffney: No! No!
Dick Drake: If I’m not mistaken, Countess, wasn’t that the night of his eldest daughter’s Senior Prom?
Hugh Gaffney: NO!
Dick Drake: No, I recall that.
Hugh Gaffney: That’s not — that’s not it!
Paul Heverly: Hugh, this sounds like a fascinating story. But, uh, unfortunately, we’ve run out of time. Perhaps you could come back on the show and you could tell us the story of this insane auto worker.
Dick Drake: I’d like to hear more about that.
Hugh Gaffney: I — I —
Paul Heverly: I’d like to thank our regulars — a berzerk auto worker! — I’d like to thank our regulars and our special guest. Hguh Gaffney. Good night from “Weeke in Review”.
[ jazzy them music pots back up, as a disgruntled Hugh Gaffney rises to shove copies of the New York Times into his briefcase ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] For a transcript of this program, send 75-cents to:
THE WEEK IN REVIEW
Suite 200 G
Palm Court Motor Hotel
Hollywood, Florida ]
[ fade ]
