SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/24/80: Uncle Roy




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20






















79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Uncle Roy

Betty…..Jane Curtin
Uncle Roy…..Buck Henry
Terri…..Laraine Newman
Tracy…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Betty’s living room, as the doorbell rings ] [ Bety rushes downstairs to answer the door to Roy ]

Betty: Oh, Roy, come in!

Uncle Roy: [ entering ] Long time, no see, Betty!

Betty: Now, it’s been too long, Roy, and I feel really badly about it. It’s just that my husband simply can’t phantom a 45-year old bachelor who wants to babysit a pair of BRATS for free.

Uncle Roy: [ laughing ] By the way, where is Arthur?

Betty: In Cleveland, whooping it up at another one of those microsurgical parts conventions.

Uncle Roy: Ah! And where are you off to, Betty?

Betty: A dinner party, but I’ll try to slip away early.

Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You stay as long as you want!

Betty: Oh, you’re too good, Roy. Now, Roy, I know it was you, not Santa, who replaced Terri’s old frayed bicylce seat with a brand new one. Don’t think that went unnoticed.

Uncle Roy: [ grinning ] Did, uh… Arthur notice?

Betty: Oh, he took it totally in the wrong way. And, you know, he was even suspicious about that extravagant anniversary present you sent us? [ she ackknowledges the glass coffee table in front of them ]

Uncle Roy: Well, I always thought this room needed a glass coffee table! [ he chuckles ] Anyway, where are my little darlings?

Betty: Oh! [ she walks over to the foot of the stairs ] Come on down, girls! I have a surprise for you! [ to Roy ] They’re gonna be SO excited, Roy!

[ Terri and Tracy come down the stairs ]

Terri & Tracy: UNCLE ROY!! UNCLE ROY!! UNCLE ROY!!

[ they rush over to hug him ]

Uncle Roy: Hello, my little cupcakes! [ he begins to pat each of them on the butt ]

Betty: Okay, control yourselves, girls! Now, Roy, don’t let these little MONSTERS walk all over you!

Uncle Roy: Don’t you worry! You’d better be running along, Betty!

Betty: Oh, you’re right. Now, behave yourselves, girls!

Terri & Tracy: WE WILL!! GOODBYE, MOMMY!! GOODBYE!! HAVE A GOOD TIME!!

[ Betty exits ]

Terri: Oh, GOSH, we MISSED you, Uncle Roy! We asked Daddy to play Invisible Leg Doctor, and he didn’t even know how!

Tracy: Yeah! And, Uncle Roy, remember the time you filled the bathtub all up with water and went bobbing for bananas?

Uncle Roy: [ smiling ] I remember!

Terri: Yeah, and remember when you showed us Jumbo the One-Eared Elephant?

Tracy: Yeah! And… and… and the time you were Ruffy the Dog, and we de-wormed you?

Uncle Roy: Oh, yes! It was fun! And, if I’m not mistaken, Ruffy was gonna bury his bone in your backyard.

Terri: Yeahhhh! Hey, Uncle Roy — [ she stands on her head on the couch, with her butt sticking out ] What am I?

Uncle Roy: [ near drooling ] Too good to be true!

Terri: [ standing up ] No! I’m an ostrich with my head buried in the sand.

Tracy: Yeah! I’m an ostrich, too! [ they both bury their heads in the couch with their butts sticking out ] Look at me, look at me!

Uncle Roy: [ excited ] I’m looking! I’m looking! Now, girls, girls — I think that we are ready to play Uncle Roy Cousteau! [ he stands ] So, Tracy… Terri… let’s go deep sea diving in Uncle Roy’s pants!

Terri: [ digging in his pockets ] Yayyyyy! What are we looking for?

Uncle Roy: You’re looking for saltwater taffy! But I warn you — there are all kinds of STRANGE things lurking in the ocean! You might find precious pearls, or tangled beds of seaweed, and watch out for that old electric eel!

Tracy: Oh, wow! I found some candy!

Terri: Yay! Me, too! [ they eat their taffy ] Oh! Uncle Roy! Can we play Goofy Sisters?

Tracy: Yeahhhh!

Uncle Roy: Oh! What a good idea! Now, you run upstairs and get the panty hats! Okay? Go on! You go upstairs and fetch all your DIRTY little underthings! [ the girls run upstairs ] That’s right! Get them all, bring them all down! Don’t leave anything out!

Tracy: Okay, here we come! [ they slide down the banister ] Yayyyyy!! Here we come!

Uncle Roy: That’s a good girl!

Tracy: We got all the panties!

[ the girls jump onto the couch ]

Uncle Roy: Okay. Alright, give me the panty hats now. Uncle Roy has to play, too. That’s right! [ he puts a panty over his head and sniffs ] These are Terri’s… [ he puts another panty over his head ] And these are Tracy’s.

Tracy: [ laughing ] Oh! Uncle Roy always guesses right!

[ the girls put panties on their heads ]

Uncle Roy: Now, girls, I’ve got an idea! Goofy Uncle Roy Cousteau is going to take the Goofy Sisters for a ride in the glass-bottom boat! This is for the back page of the Goofy News!

Terri & Tracy: Yayyyyy!! Yeah, that’s good!! Here we go!!

[ Tracy and Terri pull up their pajamas and sit on top of the glass coffee table, as Roy lies down underneath and begins to take pictures ] [ suddenly, Better re-enters and approaches the scene ]

Betty: I hope I’m not interrupting anything.

Terri & Tracy: Hi, Mommy!! Hi, Mommy!!

Uncle Roy: [ panicking, still underneath the coffee table ] I can explain EVERYTHING!! Uh…

Betty: There’s no need to explain. I know a Goofy Sisters phot session when I see one. [ amused ] Roy, what you let these MONSTERS get away with! [ Roy crawls up to the surface ] Oh, now, girls… you should be more respectful of your Uncle Roy. Now, anyway, it’s WAY past your bedtime! Now, MARCH! Come on!

Terri & Tracy: Ohhh, okay…

Tracy: Good night, Uncle Roy! Please come back! Don’t forget us!

Uncle Roy: Good night! Sweet dreams!

Terri & Tracy: Good night, Mom!!

[ the girls kiss Uncle Roy good night and run upstairs ]

Betty: Oh, dear… [ she chuckles ]

Uncle Roy: What are you doing back so early, Betty?

Betty: Well, the fact is, Roy, I couldn’t face making small talk when the real truth is… [ she removes Roy’s panty hat ] Oh, I hate to burden you with this, Roy, but… [ she sighs ] I think I’m on the verge of a divorce.

Uncle Roy: [ stunned ] What do you mean?

Betty: This is the third microsurgical convention in two months. Roy, I’m convinced that Arthur’s seeing someone else.

Uncle Roy: You deserve BETTER than that, Betty!

Betty: That’s why I thought I’d leave Arthur and move back to San Francisco with the girls.

Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] NO!! NO!!

Betty: Oh, I know what you’re thinking, Roy! I’ll be uprooting them, taking them out of school…

Uncle Roy: Call me an old fogey, if you will, but marriage is for KEEPS! [ he grabs the panty hat from her ] You’ve GOT to think of the girls! That’s who I’m thinking of.

Betty: You know… you’re right? I guess I was just being selfish!

Uncle Roy: [ hopeful ] And you won’t take the girls away?

Betty: [ thinking ] No, I… guess I’ll stick it out. Thanks for the shoulder, it’s… it’s a shame every family can’t have an Uncle Roy. You’re one in a million!

Uncle Roy: [ slyly ] Oh, there’s… more of me than you might suspect! [ he holds the panty hat to his face and smiles ] [ zoom out on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next… Cable Tunnelvision” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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