Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 5: Episode 20
Uncle Roy…..Buck Henry
[ open on Betty’s living room, as the doorbell rings ]
[ Bety rushes downstairs to answer the door to Roy ]
Betty: Oh, Roy, come in!
Uncle Roy: [ entering ] Long time, no see, Betty!
Betty: Now, it’s been too long, Roy, and I feel really badly about it. It’s just that my husband simply can’t phantom a 45-year old bachelor who wants to babysit a pair of BRATS for free.
Uncle Roy: [ laughing ] By the way, where is Arthur?
Betty: In Cleveland, whooping it up at another one of those microsurgical parts conventions.
Uncle Roy: Ah! And where are you off to, Betty?
Betty: A dinner party, but I’ll try to slip away early.
Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You stay as long as you want!
Betty: Oh, you’re too good, Roy. Now, Roy, I know it was you, not Santa, who replaced Terri’s old frayed bicylce seat with a brand new one. Don’t think that went unnoticed.
Uncle Roy: [ grinning ] Did, uh… Arthur notice?
Betty: Oh, he took it totally in the wrong way. And, you know, he was even suspicious about that extravagant anniversary present you sent us? [ she ackknowledges the glass coffee table in front of them ]
Uncle Roy: Well, I always thought this room needed a glass coffee table! [ he chuckles ] Anyway, where are my little darlings?
Betty: Oh! [ she walks over to the foot of the stairs ] Come on down, girls! I have a surprise for you! [ to Roy ] They’re gonna be SO excited, Roy!
[ Terri and Tracy come down the stairs ]
Terri & Tracy: UNCLE ROY!! UNCLE ROY!! UNCLE ROY!!
[ they rush over to hug him ]
Uncle Roy: Hello, my little cupcakes! [ he begins to pat each of them on the butt ]
Betty: Okay, control yourselves, girls! Now, Roy, don’t let these little MONSTERS walk all over you!
Uncle Roy: Don’t you worry! You’d better be running along, Betty!
Betty: Oh, you’re right. Now, behave yourselves, girls!
Terri & Tracy: WE WILL!! GOODBYE, MOMMY!! GOODBYE!! HAVE A GOOD TIME!!
[ Betty exits ]
Terri: Oh, GOSH, we MISSED you, Uncle Roy! We asked Daddy to play Invisible Leg Doctor, and he didn’t even know how!
Tracy: Yeah! And, Uncle Roy, remember the time you filled the bathtub all up with water and went bobbing for bananas?
Uncle Roy: [ smiling ] I remember!
Terri: Yeah, and remember when you showed us Jumbo the One-Eared Elephant?
Tracy: Yeah! And… and… and the time you were Ruffy the Dog, and we de-wormed you?
Uncle Roy: Oh, yes! It was fun! And, if I’m not mistaken, Ruffy was gonna bury his bone in your backyard.
Terri: Yeahhhh! Hey, Uncle Roy — [ she stands on her head on the couch, with her butt sticking out ] What am I?
Uncle Roy: [ near drooling ] Too good to be true!
Terri: [ standing up ] No! I’m an ostrich with my head buried in the sand.
Tracy: Yeah! I’m an ostrich, too! [ they both bury their heads in the couch with their butts sticking out ] Look at me, look at me!
Uncle Roy: [ excited ] I’m looking! I’m looking! Now, girls, girls — I think that we are ready to play Uncle Roy Cousteau! [ he stands ] So, Tracy… Terri… let’s go deep sea diving in Uncle Roy’s pants!
Terri: [ digging in his pockets ] Yayyyyy! What are we looking for?
Uncle Roy: You’re looking for saltwater taffy! But I warn you — there are all kinds of STRANGE things lurking in the ocean! You might find precious pearls, or tangled beds of seaweed, and watch out for that old electric eel!
Tracy: Oh, wow! I found some candy!
Terri: Yay! Me, too! [ they eat their taffy ] Oh! Uncle Roy! Can we play Goofy Sisters?
Uncle Roy: Oh! What a good idea! Now, you run upstairs and get the panty hats! Okay? Go on! You go upstairs and fetch all your DIRTY little underthings! [ the girls run upstairs ] That’s right! Get them all, bring them all down! Don’t leave anything out!
Tracy: Okay, here we come! [ they slide down the banister ] Yayyyyy!! Here we come!
Uncle Roy: That’s a good girl!
Tracy: We got all the panties!
[ the girls jump onto the couch ]
Uncle Roy: Okay. Alright, give me the panty hats now. Uncle Roy has to play, too. That’s right! [ he puts a panty over his head and sniffs ] These are Terri’s… [ he puts another panty over his head ] And these are Tracy’s.
Tracy: [ laughing ] Oh! Uncle Roy always guesses right!
[ the girls put panties on their heads ]
Uncle Roy: Now, girls, I’ve got an idea! Goofy Uncle Roy Cousteau is going to take the Goofy Sisters for a ride in the glass-bottom boat! This is for the back page of the Goofy News!
Terri & Tracy: Yayyyyy!! Yeah, that’s good!! Here we go!!
[ Tracy and Terri pull up their pajamas and sit on top of the glass coffee table, as Roy lies down underneath and begins to take pictures ]
[ suddenly, Better re-enters and approaches the scene ]
Betty: I hope I’m not interrupting anything.
Terri & Tracy: Hi, Mommy!! Hi, Mommy!!
Uncle Roy: [ panicking, still underneath the coffee table ] I can explain EVERYTHING!! Uh…
Betty: There’s no need to explain. I know a Goofy Sisters phot session when I see one. [ amused ] Roy, what you let these MONSTERS get away with! [ Roy crawls up to the surface ] Oh, now, girls… you should be more respectful of your Uncle Roy. Now, anyway, it’s WAY past your bedtime! Now, MARCH! Come on!
Terri & Tracy: Ohhh, okay…
Tracy: Good night, Uncle Roy! Please come back! Don’t forget us!
Uncle Roy: Good night! Sweet dreams!
Terri & Tracy: Good night, Mom!!
[ the girls kiss Uncle Roy good night and run upstairs ]
Betty: Oh, dear… [ she chuckles ]
Uncle Roy: What are you doing back so early, Betty?
Betty: Well, the fact is, Roy, I couldn’t face making small talk when the real truth is… [ she removes Roy’s panty hat ] Oh, I hate to burden you with this, Roy, but… [ she sighs ] I think I’m on the verge of a divorce.
Uncle Roy: [ stunned ] What do you mean?
Betty: This is the third microsurgical convention in two months. Roy, I’m convinced that Arthur’s seeing someone else.
Uncle Roy: You deserve BETTER than that, Betty!
Betty: That’s why I thought I’d leave Arthur and move back to San Francisco with the girls.
Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] NO!! NO!!
Betty: Oh, I know what you’re thinking, Roy! I’ll be uprooting them, taking them out of school…
Uncle Roy: Call me an old fogey, if you will, but marriage is for KEEPS! [ he grabs the panty hat from her ] You’ve GOT to think of the girls! That’s who I’m thinking of.
Betty: You know… you’re right? I guess I was just being selfish!
Uncle Roy: [ hopeful ] And you won’t take the girls away?
Betty: [ thinking ] No, I… guess I’ll stick it out. Thanks for the shoulder, it’s… it’s a shame every family can’t have an Uncle Roy. You’re one in a million!
Uncle Roy: [ slyly ] Oh, there’s… more of me than you might suspect! [ he holds the panty hat to his face and smiles ]
[ zoom out on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next… Cable Tunnelvision” ]
[ fade ]