SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: The Accordian Killer


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1








80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

The Accordian Killer

Captain…..Elliott Gould
Detective…..Gilbert Gottfried
Susan…..Ann Risley
Chuck LeVinto…..Charles Rocket
Gail…..Gail Matthius

[ open on interior, police station, Captain’s office, as Detective enters ]

Detective: Bad news, sir. Another woman has been found slain on the Upper West Side.

Captain: [ snaps his finger ] That’s the sixth one this week! They find anything in the apartment?

Detective: Ah, just this sheet music. “Roll Out the Barrel”.

Captain: [ examining the sheet music ] That woman wasn’t just murdered — she was POLKAED to death!

Detective: You’re saying he’s — ?

Captain: Yes, I am! Only one person can be responsible for such a GHASTLY crime! Only ONE man could be so CRUEL, so VICIOUS, so SADISTIC! As long as he’s loose, no woman is safe. I’m talking about… [ he faces the camera for a quick zoom ] The Accordian Killer!

[ dissolve to interior, Susan’s apartment, as the title card superimposes on screen ] [ doorbell buzzes ] [ Susan rises to answer the door ]

Susan: Who is it?

Chuck LeVinto: It’s Chuck LeVinto! Your computer date!

[ Susan opens the door, as Chuck enters with flowers and a case ]

Susan: Oh, hi! [ she giggles ] I’m Susan. It’s nice to meet you.

Chuck LeVinto: [ holding out his flowers ] These are for you!

Susan: Ohhh…

Chuck LeVinto: It’s so rare to meet someone with the same interests as you.

Susan: [ she giggles ] I know what you mean! Come in.

[ they sit down next to one another on the couch ]

Susan: Boy, I’m really glad this computer put us together.

Chuck LeVinto: It really is amazing! ‘Cause, like… well… you like movies, a-and I like movies. Aaaand you like music, and I LOVE music! We were MADE for each other!

Susan: I hope so.

Chuck LeVinto: I-I-I do impressions! Do you want to hear one?

Susan: Sure.

Chuck LeVinto: This one’s my favorite — it’s my main guy, Lawrence Welk: “Tank you, tank you, tank you! That was Bobby and Cissum, with his musical tribute to World War Eye!”

[ she laughs pleasantly ]

Chuck LeVinto: A-and now it’s time for an accordian tune!

[ he unlocks his case and pulls out an accordian ]

Susan: [ worried ] No, no! No, please! Please put that away!

Chuck LeVinto: What’s the matter? Don’t you like the accordian?

Susan: Wait! Wait, I know who you are! I read about you in the papers! Please don’t hurt me! I’ll give you all my money! I promise I won’t tell anyone!

Chuck LeVinto: But the accordian… is a NICE instrument! [ maniacally stroking the accordian ] It’s a fine instrument! It’s a BAND by itself!

Susan: PLEASE!! NO, NO!! DON’T! PLEASE! NO!

Chuck LeVinto: Perhaps you’d like to hear “Lady of Spain”!

Susan: NO!!!

[ he begins to play the meddlesome tune ]

Susan: NO, NO!! PLEASE, DON’T!

[ she holds her ears, but still drops dead to the floor as Chuck smiles satisfactorily ] [ dissolve to Captain’s office, as he shakes his head while reading the murder report in the newspaper ]

Detective: Looks like The Accordian Killer has struck again.

Captain: [ thrusting the paper on his desk ] Poor girl didn’t have a chance!

Detective: How can we stop him?

Captain: We’ve got to set a TRAP! And I think we’ve got JUST the right person for that.

Detective: Who is he?

Captain: Not he — SHE!

[ dissolve to interior, Susan’s apartment, now occupied by Gail ] [ doorbell buzzes ] [ Gail rises to answer the door ]

Gail: Who is it?

Chuck LeVinto: It’s Chuck LeVinto! Your computer date!

[ Gail opens the door, as Chuck enters with flowers and a case ]

Gail: Hi! I’m Gail. Nice to meet you.

Chuck LeVinto: Hi! [ holding out his flowers ] These are for you!

Gail: Ohhh…

Chuck LeVinto: It’s so rare to meet someone with the same interests as you.

Gail: [ she smiles ] I know what you mean! Come on in.

Chuck LeVinto: Thanks!

[ they sit down next to one another on the couch ]

Chuck LeVinto: [ apprehensive ] You like movies… and I like movies. [ he opens his case ]

Gail: [ cutting him off ] You like music — I like music!

Chuck LeVinto: [ stumbling ] You know, I haven’t missed a single “Lawrence Welk Show”! Ever NEVER!

Gail: [ setting the trap ] I really like his music!

Chuck LeVinto: [ surprised ] You do? Maybe you’d like to hear a song on the accordian.

Gail: I’d love to!

Chuck LeVinto: D-do you have a special song?

Gail: Uh — “Lady of Spain”, of course!

Chuck LeVinto: “L-L-L-Lady of Spain”?!

[ he begins to play the meddlesome tune ] [ Gail covers her ears and shudders, then jumps up and points a gun at Chuck ]

Gail: Alright, that’s enough!! I’m with the police! Yuor playing days are over!

Chuck LeVinto: [ ignoring her ] You can’t make me stop!

Gail: Alright, I’m warning you!

[ Chuck inores her and continues playing the accordian ]

Gail: OKAY, GUYS!!! GET HIM!!!

[ suddenly, a trio of bagpipe players saunter into the apartment playing their noisy tune ]

Chuck LeVinto: [ crying, as he continues to play the accordian ] NO!!! NOT THAT MUSIC!! PLEASE!! MAKE IT STOP!!! NOOOOOO!!!!

[ Chuck drops his accordian and topples dead over the ottoman ] [ the bagpipe players cease their playing, as the Captain rushes in ]

Captain: Are you alright?

Gail: Fine.

Captain: I’m sorry we had to do it this way. But maybe this will convince people once and for all… that EVERY accordian is a lethal weapon! [ to the bagpipe players ] Take care of it, guys!

[ Gail and the Captain exit the apartment, as the bagpipe players begin to attack Chuck’s accordian with their hatchets ] [ pull out to wideshot, with SUPER: “There’s no abyssness like show abyssness.” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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