Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 1
80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts
The Accordian Killer
Captain…..Elliott Gould
Detective…..Gilbert Gottfried
Susan…..Ann Risley
Chuck LeVinto…..Charles Rocket
Gail…..Gail Matthius
[ open on interior, police station, Captain’s office, as Detective enters ]
Detective: Bad news, sir. Another woman has been found slain on the Upper West Side.
Captain: [ snaps his finger ] That’s the sixth one this week! They find anything in the apartment?
Detective: Ah, just this sheet music. “Roll Out the Barrel”.
Captain: [ examining the sheet music ] That woman wasn’t just murdered — she was POLKAED to death!
Detective: You’re saying he’s — ?
Captain: Yes, I am! Only one person can be responsible for such a GHASTLY crime! Only ONE man could be so CRUEL, so VICIOUS, so SADISTIC! As long as he’s loose, no woman is safe. I’m talking about… [ he faces the camera for a quick zoom ] The Accordian Killer!
[ dissolve to interior, Susan’s apartment, as the title card superimposes on screen ]
[ doorbell buzzes ]
[ Susan rises to answer the door ]
Susan: Who is it?
Chuck LeVinto: It’s Chuck LeVinto! Your computer date!
[ Susan opens the door, as Chuck enters with flowers and a case ]
Susan: Oh, hi! [ she giggles ] I’m Susan. It’s nice to meet you.
Chuck LeVinto: [ holding out his flowers ] These are for you!
Susan: Ohhh…
Chuck LeVinto: It’s so rare to meet someone with the same interests as you.
Susan: [ she giggles ] I know what you mean! Come in.
[ they sit down next to one another on the couch ]
Susan: Boy, I’m really glad this computer put us together.
Chuck LeVinto: It really is amazing! ‘Cause, like… well… you like movies, a-and I like movies. Aaaand you like music, and I LOVE music! We were MADE for each other!
Susan: I hope so.
Chuck LeVinto: I-I-I do impressions! Do you want to hear one?
Susan: Sure.
Chuck LeVinto: This one’s my favorite — it’s my main guy, Lawrence Welk: “Tank you, tank you, tank you! That was Bobby and Cissum, with his musical tribute to World War Eye!”
[ she laughs pleasantly ]
Chuck LeVinto: A-and now it’s time for an accordian tune!
[ he unlocks his case and pulls out an accordian ]
Susan: [ worried ] No, no! No, please! Please put that away!
Chuck LeVinto: What’s the matter? Don’t you like the accordian?
Susan: Wait! Wait, I know who you are! I read about you in the papers! Please don’t hurt me! I’ll give you all my money! I promise I won’t tell anyone!
Chuck LeVinto: But the accordian… is a NICE instrument! [ maniacally stroking the accordian ] It’s a fine instrument! It’s a BAND by itself!
Susan: PLEASE!! NO, NO!! DON’T! PLEASE! NO!
Chuck LeVinto: Perhaps you’d like to hear “Lady of Spain”!
Susan: NO!!!
[ he begins to play the meddlesome tune ]
Susan: NO, NO!! PLEASE, DON’T!
[ she holds her ears, but still drops dead to the floor as Chuck smiles satisfactorily ]
[ dissolve to Captain’s office, as he shakes his head while reading the murder report in the newspaper ]
Detective: Looks like The Accordian Killer has struck again.
Captain: [ thrusting the paper on his desk ] Poor girl didn’t have a chance!
Detective: How can we stop him?
Captain: We’ve got to set a TRAP! And I think we’ve got JUST the right person for that.
Detective: Who is he?
Captain: Not he — SHE!
[ dissolve to interior, Susan’s apartment, now occupied by Gail ]
[ doorbell buzzes ]
[ Gail rises to answer the door ]
Gail: Who is it?
Chuck LeVinto: It’s Chuck LeVinto! Your computer date!
[ Gail opens the door, as Chuck enters with flowers and a case ]
Gail: Hi! I’m Gail. Nice to meet you.
Chuck LeVinto: Hi! [ holding out his flowers ] These are for you!
Gail: Ohhh…
Chuck LeVinto: It’s so rare to meet someone with the same interests as you.
Gail: [ she smiles ] I know what you mean! Come on in.
Chuck LeVinto: Thanks!
[ they sit down next to one another on the couch ]
Chuck LeVinto: [ apprehensive ] You like movies… and I like movies. [ he opens his case ]
Gail: [ cutting him off ] You like music — I like music!
Chuck LeVinto: [ stumbling ] You know, I haven’t missed a single “Lawrence Welk Show”! Ever NEVER!
Gail: [ setting the trap ] I really like his music!
Chuck LeVinto: [ surprised ] You do? Maybe you’d like to hear a song on the accordian.
Gail: I’d love to!
Chuck LeVinto: D-do you have a special song?
Gail: Uh — “Lady of Spain”, of course!
Chuck LeVinto: “L-L-L-Lady of Spain”?!
[ he begins to play the meddlesome tune ]
[ Gail covers her ears and shudders, then jumps up and points a gun at Chuck ]
Gail: Alright, that’s enough!! I’m with the police! Yuor playing days are over!
Chuck LeVinto: [ ignoring her ] You can’t make me stop!
Gail: Alright, I’m warning you!
[ Chuck inores her and continues playing the accordian ]
Gail: OKAY, GUYS!!! GET HIM!!!
[ suddenly, a trio of bagpipe players saunter into the apartment playing their noisy tune ]
Chuck LeVinto: [ crying, as he continues to play the accordian ] NO!!! NOT THAT MUSIC!! PLEASE!! MAKE IT STOP!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
[ Chuck drops his accordian and topples dead over the ottoman ]
[ the bagpipe players cease their playing, as the Captain rushes in ]
Captain: Are you alright?
Gail: Fine.
Captain: I’m sorry we had to do it this way. But maybe this will convince people once and for all… that EVERY accordian is a lethal weapon! [ to the bagpipe players ] Take care of it, guys!
[ Gail and the Captain exit the apartment, as the bagpipe players begin to attack Chuck’s accordian with their hatchets ]
[ pull out to wideshot, with SUPER: “There’s no abyssness like show abyssness.” ]
[ fade ]
Thanks for breaking this down into easy-to-understand terms.