Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 1
Elliot & Gail & Charles & Ann & Joe & Gilbert & Denny
[ open on close-up of new cast member, Gail Matthius, asleep in bed. She yawns, awakes, then turns to her left to look at the man lying next to her – tonight’s host, Elliot Gould ]
Gail Matthius: Sir? [ rises, taps his shoulder ] Mr. Gould?
Elliot Gould: [ groggy ] Oh. Oh, uh, hi, uh..?
Gail Matthius: Gail. Gail Matthius. [ rubs her head ] Don’t you think we’d better get ready? It’s almost time for the show – oh, God..
Elliot Gould: Oh, relax. What are they gonna do, start without us?[ camera pans back to reveal new cast member, Charles Rocket, asleep at Gail’s right ]
Elliot Gould: You’re gonna do just fine on this show. You’re sort of a cross between.. [ thinking ] Gilda.. and Jane.
Gail Matthius: [ she smiles, as Charles cuddles closer to her ] Oh, hi, Charlie. [ he begins to nibble her ear ] Don’t! Oh, don’t!
Elliot Gould: Hey, how’s it going?
Charles Rocket: Oh, just great!
Elliot Gould: Let’s see – you’re – you’re the one —
Charles Rocket: Oh. Kind of a cross between Chevy Chase and Bill Murray.
Elliot Gould: Okay.[ camera pans back further to reveal new cast member, Ann Risley, lying to Elliot’s left ]
Ann Risley: [ wakes up ] Oh, hi.
Gail Matthius: Hi, Ann.
Ann Risley: [ extends her hand to Elliot ] I’m Ann Risley.
Elliot Gould: Hi.
Ann Risley: Hi. Kind of a cross between Gilda and.. Laraine.[ camera pans back even further to reveal new cast member, Joe Piscopo, lying to Ann’s left; she nudges Joe awake ]
Ann Risley: Joe, Joe! Wake up! Say hello to the man!
Joe Piscopo: Oh. Hello, Mr. Gould. How are you?
Elliot Gould: Hi, Joe.
Joe Piscopo: Joe Piscopo, yeah. You know, I’ve seen you do “Saturday Night”, uh, in the past – what was it really like back then? I mean, did they really use drugs?
Elliot Gould: Suuuuure. They all did. Cocaine was everywhere. And not just the cast – the studio crew, the cameramen, everybody.
Joe Piscopo: Tell us about Belushi.
Elliot Gould: John? Oh, well, he was the worst! He’d come into the studio with a big bag of coke in his pocket, and he’d ask you to have some. And if you didn’t want any, he’d push you down on the floor and Aykroyd would hold your head between his legs and they’d sort of, uh, jam in up your nostrils![ the cast reacts both with horrir and intrigue ]
Ann Risley: Well, what do you know about Tom Snyder? I mean, is he really as big as he looks on television?
Gail Matthius: Yeah.
Elliot Gould: Well, he thinks he’s big when he gets a little bit of toot up his nose.
Joe Piscopo: Snyder?
Elliot Gould: Well, how else do you think he stays up so late? And all the rest of them – Roger Mudd, Tom Brokaw, Edwin Newman – they all snort a few lines before they go on! Except, uh – Brinkley. I think he’s into downers.
Charles Rocket: That’s incredible.
Elliot Gould: Hey, listen – wait ’til you see, uh — get in the elevator, and there’s Gene Shalit kind of piled in a heap in the corner, completely luded out![ new cast member, Gilbert Gottfried, rises from under part of the bedsheets sprawled onto the floor ]
Gilbert Gottfried: You mind holding it down? [ he stands – for some reason, a pair of pantyhose is wrapped around his neck ]
Elliot Gould: Let me guess – let me guess —
Gilbert Gottfried: Uh, Gilbert Gottfried. [ sits on the edge of the bed ] I’m kind of a cross between John Belushi and.. that guy from last year – he did the Ron Serling, nobody could remember his name?
Elliot Gould: Harry.
Gilbert Gottfried: [ pulls the pantyhose off of his neck ] Yeah. Hey, hey, where’s, uh – Denny?
Charles Rocket: I don’t know. Where is she?[ Elliot and the cast look around the bed for final new cast member, Denny Dillon ]
Ann Risley: Denny? Denny?
Elliot Gould: [ acknowledging a bulge in the bedsheets ] Is that her on the — ?
Charles Rocket: Oh? What’s this?[ they pull the bedsheets away to reveal Denny’s lifeless body underneath ]
Ann Risley: Denny? Denny, are you okay?
Charles Rocket: Are you okay?
Ann Risley: Denny?
Charles Rocket: [ nudging her awake ] Denny? You alright?
Denny Dillon: Suuuure. I’m.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”