SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: Singing Billy-Gram

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Singing Billy-Gram

Man…..Elliot Gould
Woman…..Ann Risley
Delivery Boy…..Charles Rocket

[ open on elegantly-decorated apartment, as ?? sits waiting on the cocuch ]

Man: [ calling toward a back room ] Honey! Will you hurry up?

Woman: [ enters living area ] I’m hurrying, dammit!

Man: Such language, and on your birthday yet. Is something bothering you?

Woman: Well.. it’s just that I thought I’d at least hear from my parents. I mean, I know they’re not crazy about us living together, but.. this is the first time they’ve ever completely missed my birthday!

[ doorbell rings ]

Man: Who could that be?

Woman: Oh, I’ll get it. [ walks up to the front door ] Who is it?

Voice of Delivery Boy: Billy-gram!

Woman: Billy-gram? Billy-gram? [ opens the door to reveal a delivery boy carrying a telegram ] Oh, honey! They didn’t forget my birthday – hey sent a telegram!

Delivery Boy: No – it’s a Billy-gram! A sing-ing re-lig-ious mess-age! Your daddy has sent you a Billy-Gram, on your birth-day! Praise God! [ begins singing ]

“Sin, sin, sin – is what you’re living in
You don’t have a ring, but you’re having a fling
Thank God you’re not a twin!

Slut, slut, slut – in Hell, we’ll burn your butt
Your mother and I, are ready to die
Just don’t get: you know what!”

Re-pent on your birth-day! Praise Je-sus!

Woman: What a great gift idea.

Man: [ annoyed ] Yeah, it really made my night. Your parents think of everything!

Woman: Come on, now – lay off my parents, they —

Man: [ notices the delivery boy still standing at the door ] What are you waiting for?

Delivery Boy: He hath heard the song of the Lord – aren’t ye going to tip?

Woman: What nerve! [ walks away ]

Man: Get lost! [ pushes the delivery boy out of the living room and slams the door ]

Woman: Can you believe he actually wanted a tip?

Voice of Delivery Boy: [ singing behind the closed door ]“Whore, whore, whore – I’ll never even the score
I’ll sing and I’ll shout, why don’t you come out
And tell them all the score –!”

Woman: Tip him! Tip him!

[ Man re-opens the door, lets the delivery boy fall into the living room, and places a dollar bill into his gloved hand ]

Delivery Boy: [ pleased ] Well! Lord bless this un-ion!

[ Man again slams the door on the delivery boy, then turns to have it out with his significant other ] [ camera pulls out ] [ SUPER: “Personals: Fem exec into denim seeks black musician with large organ for backup gigs.” ] [ fade ]

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