SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: At One With…


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1




80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

At One With…

Tom Morris…..Elliot Gould
Sgt. Steve Brick…..Joe Piscopo
Cpl. Peter Thomas…..Charles Rocket

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Tom Morris ]

Tom Morris: Welcome to “At One With…” I’m your host, Tom Morris. The Supreme Court recently ruled that homosexuals should be allowed to serve in the Armed Forces. To see how the military is adjusting to this ruling, we’ve invited a man who’s been in the Army for the past twenty years. His name is Sgt. Steve Brick.

[ pull out to reveal a frowning Sgt. Steve Brick seated next to Tom Morris ]

Sgt. Brick, how do you feel about the recent court ruling on the decision for homosexuality?

Sgt. Steve Brick: Well, uh, naturally, I didn’t care for it. But it is the law! And, uh, we’ve gotta let ’em in, well, hell! We’ve gotta let ’em in!

Tom Morris: But does the Army have any special plans for new homosexual recruits?

Sgt. Steve Brick: We’ve decided that these people work to the best of their ability in their own environment. That’s why we’ve formed a special Gay Brigade.

Tom Morris: I see. Will their training be any different?

Sgt. Steve Brick: Uh – a little different. I’ve brought someone along to, uh, show you that today’s Army is not afraid to change. [ stands, walks over to a gay recruit, standing straight ] This is Cpl. Peter Thomas. [ leans into his face and yells: ] Thomas, are you a homosexual?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Yes, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: You ever have any heterosexual thoughts?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: You ever read an issue of PLAYBOY?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: What was that picture of BO DEREK doing in your locker, Soldier?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: That was NOT my locker, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: Whose picture DO you have in your locker?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Cary Grant, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: Who else?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Just Grant, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: [ to Tom ] Obviously, this man is a homosexual. The next thing we like to teach them is: restraint! [ turns back to Cpl. Peter Thomas ] You’re a homosexual?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Yes, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: Can you restrain those tendancies?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Yes, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: Are you sure?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Yes, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: [ with eyes popping out of his head ] Would you-ou-ou like to kiss me-e-e-e?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: You mean to tell me you wouldn’t want to plant your lips on mi-ine?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: You wouldn’t want to ram your tongue down my throat, Soldier?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: No, SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: [ turns back toward Tom ] This! Is a trained soldier!

Tom Morris: Well, tell me – how can a soldier – it’s remarkable – how can one soldier tell when another soldier is homosexual?

Sgt. Steve Brick: Uh – that’s really quite easy. Say I’ve pulled guard duty, and I come across Cpl. Thomas here. [ turns back to Cpl. Peter Thomas ] Halt! Soldier! Who goes there!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Cpl. Peter Thomas, Homo Number 4-5-6-7-8-9-6-2!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: What was Judy Garland’s first movie?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: “Pigskin Parade”! SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: The Mayor of San Francisco?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: Dianne Feinstein! SIR!!

Sgt. Steve Brick: How many of the Village People are really GAY?!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: TWO!! The others are imposters! SIR!!

Tom Morris: Well, that is amazing! Now – the so-called Gay Brigade, where are they stationed?

Sgt. Steve Brick: Fort Dix. [ the audience laughs in spite of themselves ] I – I’d, uh – I’d like to show you right now, Mr. Morris, how a homosexual soldier marches

Tom Morris: Good.

Sgt. Steve Brick: [ to Cpl. Peter Thomas: ] Thomas! March ti-i-ime!!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: [ softly, as he marches in place ] Hut! Two, three —

Sgt. Steve Brick: I can’t HEAR you!!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: [ louder ] Hut! Two, three —

Sgt. Steve Brick: SING it for me, Soldier!!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: [ singing loud ] “I’m in the Army, and I’m gay!”

Sgt. Steve Brick: Left! Right! Left! Right!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: “That don’t mean I swish and sway!”

Sgt. Steve Brick: Left! Right! Left! Right!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: “I won’t go down on anyone!”

Sgt. Steve Brick: Left! Right! Left! Right!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: “Uncle Sam is the only one!”

Sgt. Steve Brick: Left! Right! Left! Right!

Cpl. Peter Thomas: [ marches off ] “I’m in the Army, and I’m gay –!”

[ Sgt. Brick returns to his seat ]

Tom Morris: Well, thank you, Sgt. Brick. [ to the audience ] We’ll see you next week on — good night!

[ dissolve back to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *