Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 1
80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts
Speed Listening
Spokeswoman…..Denny Dillon
[ open on snobbish woman sitting back in a leather chair as she speed-reads a book. After a few moments, she finally notices the camera upon her. ]
Spokeswoman: [ speaking in airs ] Hello! One of life’s greatest pleasure is relaxing with a good obok and some good music. [ glances at her watch ] But I’m a busy woman – I like to relax fast. I read my favorite books fast, and now, I listen to my favortie music, fast. I’ve learned to.. speed-listen! [ glances at a record player on the endtable next to her chair ] As a matter of fact, I’m going to relax with the haunting strings of Beetoven’s Fifth Symphony, in its entirety, right now – while you listen more about this revolutionary idea.
[ she turns on the record player and returns to quickly reading her book. The music flows from the record player at an equally fast rate. ]
Announcer: With speed-listening, you’ll soon be enjoying the great music of the ages, that you could never pay attention to before.
[ titles scroll up the screen:
Verdi’s “Rigoletto” (20 seconds)
Wagner’s “Ring of the Nibelungen” (35 seconds) ]
Announcer: And you can listen to popular tunes, too.
[ more titles scroll up the screen:
“You Light Up My Life” (1 second)
“Just the Way You Are” (1 second)
“Stairway to Heaven” (2 seconds) ]
Announcer: Call now, and you’ll also receive: this speed-listening album:
[ dissolve to close-up of album: “The World’s Great Music” ]
Announcer: “The World’s Great Music.” Which contains the complete works of: Bach, Brahms, Mozart, Handel, Manilow, and Stravinsky.
[ image pulls out to reveal a 45 wrapped in an open sleeve ]
Announcer: And this bonus: “American Top 40 Singles from 1950 to the present.”
[ dissolve back to Spokeswoman, as she finishes both her book and Beetoven’s Fifth at the same time ]
Spokeswoman: [ exhales joyously ] Isn’t that moving! Don’t put off listening to these classic masterpieces, because you think they’re too long! Hear them in half the time, with this half-assed way of listening to music! Speed-listening! Because — [ turns record player back on ] your relaxation time is precious.
[ another classical tune plays, as she begins sleed-reading her book once more ]
[ fade ]
