SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: Speed Listening

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Speed Listening

Spokeswoman…..Denny Dillon

[ open on snobbish woman sitting back in a leather chair as she speed-reads a book. After a few moments, she finally notices the camera upon her. ]

Spokeswoman: [ speaking in airs ] Hello! One of life’s greatest pleasure is relaxing with a good obok and some good music. [ glances at her watch ] But I’m a busy woman – I like to relax fast. I read my favorite books fast, and now, I listen to my favortie music, fast. I’ve learned to.. speed-listen! [ glances at a record player on the endtable next to her chair ] As a matter of fact, I’m going to relax with the haunting strings of Beetoven’s Fifth Symphony, in its entirety, right now – while you listen more about this revolutionary idea.

[ she turns on the record player and returns to quickly reading her book. The music flows from the record player at an equally fast rate. ]

Announcer: With speed-listening, you’ll soon be enjoying the great music of the ages, that you could never pay attention to before.

[ titles scroll up the screen:

Verdi’s “Rigoletto” (20 seconds)

Wagner’s “Ring of the Nibelungen” (35 seconds) ]

Announcer: And you can listen to popular tunes, too.

[ more titles scroll up the screen:

“You Light Up My Life” (1 second)

“Just the Way You Are” (1 second)

“Stairway to Heaven” (2 seconds) ]

Announcer: Call now, and you’ll also receive: this speed-listening album:

[ dissolve to close-up of album: “The World’s Great Music” ]

Announcer: “The World’s Great Music.” Which contains the complete works of: Bach, Brahms, Mozart, Handel, Manilow, and Stravinsky.

[ image pulls out to reveal a 45 wrapped in an open sleeve ]

Announcer: And this bonus: “American Top 40 Singles from 1950 to the present.”

[ dissolve back to Spokeswoman, as she finishes both her book and Beetoven’s Fifth at the same time ]

Spokeswoman: [ exhales joyously ] Isn’t that moving! Don’t put off listening to these classic masterpieces, because you think they’re too long! Hear them in half the time, with this half-assed way of listening to music! Speed-listening! Because — [ turns record player back on ] your relaxation time is precious.

[ another classical tune plays, as she begins sleed-reading her book once more ] [ fade ]

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