SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: Speed Listening


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1



80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Speed Listening

Spokeswoman…..Denny Dillon

[ open on snobbish woman sitting back in a leather chair as she speed-reads a book. After a few moments, she finally notices the camera upon her. ]

Spokeswoman: [ speaking in airs ] Hello! One of life’s greatest pleasure is relaxing with a good obok and some good music. [ glances at her watch ] But I’m a busy woman – I like to relax fast. I read my favorite books fast, and now, I listen to my favortie music, fast. I’ve learned to.. speed-listen! [ glances at a record player on the endtable next to her chair ] As a matter of fact, I’m going to relax with the haunting strings of Beetoven’s Fifth Symphony, in its entirety, right now – while you listen more about this revolutionary idea.

[ she turns on the record player and returns to quickly reading her book. The music flows from the record player at an equally fast rate. ]

Announcer: With speed-listening, you’ll soon be enjoying the great music of the ages, that you could never pay attention to before.

[ titles scroll up the screen:

Verdi’s “Rigoletto” (20 seconds)

Wagner’s “Ring of the Nibelungen” (35 seconds) ]

Announcer: And you can listen to popular tunes, too.

[ more titles scroll up the screen:

“You Light Up My Life” (1 second)

“Just the Way You Are” (1 second)

“Stairway to Heaven” (2 seconds) ]

Announcer: Call now, and you’ll also receive: this speed-listening album:

[ dissolve to close-up of album: “The World’s Great Music” ]

Announcer: “The World’s Great Music.” Which contains the complete works of: Bach, Brahms, Mozart, Handel, Manilow, and Stravinsky.

[ image pulls out to reveal a 45 wrapped in an open sleeve ]

Announcer: And this bonus: “American Top 40 Singles from 1950 to the present.”

[ dissolve back to Spokeswoman, as she finishes both her book and Beetoven’s Fifth at the same time ]

Spokeswoman: [ exhales joyously ] Isn’t that moving! Don’t put off listening to these classic masterpieces, because you think they’re too long! Hear them in half the time, with this half-assed way of listening to music! Speed-listening! Because — [ turns record player back on ] your relaxation time is precious.

[ another classical tune plays, as she begins sleed-reading her book once more ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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