Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 1
Mark Doyle…..Elliot Gould
Sharon Malone…..Ann Risley
[ open on interior, fancy restaurant. 40-year old Mark Doyle sits at a back table sharing drinks and shrimp cocktail with teenaged Valley girl, Vickie. ]
Mark Doyle: Would you like antoher shrimp cocktail, Vickie?
Vickie: No, thanks – three is enough. This place is not too cool, so just forget it.
Mark Doyle: Aw, I’m glad you like it. You look lovely in this light.
Vickie: Oh, God – It’s better than those grody pizza places guys my age take me to! For sure!
Mark Doyle: Oh, well – well, that’s alright, I – I’m not as ancient as you think I am! I’m gonna have another drink, would you like to have one?
Vickie: No, thanks, but don’t – you know, like, don’t get me wrong or something, because I, like, really like going out with, like, a guy whose in his forties, and stuff. Um – like this friend of mine, you know, um, was, like, seeing one of our teachers this summer – but I wouldn’t do that, no way —
Mark Doyle: Vickie, I just turned forty. THat doesn’t put me into the forties!
Vickie: [ still on her previous train of thought ] Ha! Yeah, well, God, what would I say of I saw him in the hall the next day: “Hello, Mr. Caleska?” I’m sure! I couldn’t even hack it, no way!
Mark Doyle: Well.. so tell me where your head is. Do you like movies?
Vickie: Um – I told my mom I was going to a movie and stuff tonight, you know? [ laughs ] Duuuhh! [ laughs ] Sometimes parents are so stupid, you know? I wonder how they got to be their age! [ shakes her head and laughs ] No offense.
Mark Doyle: [ waves his hand ] No, that’s – that’s okay.
Vickie: [ grabs his cigarette ] Low tar, I’m sure, right? [ smokes his cigarette ] I usually smoke non-filters – not too cool! [ taps the ash into the ashtray ] So, uh, like – do you have a job, or some junk?
Mark Doyle: [ pleased at the thoughtful question ] Well, yes, I do. I seel securities.
Vickie: Oh! Like burglar alarms, and some junk?
Mark Doyle: No, it’s like stocks and bonds.
Vickie: [ not grasping what he means ] Ohhhh. [ a beat ] Wow. [ changes the subject ] So, um, like – do you come here a lot, like, with your friends and stuff, you know?
Mark Doyle: Oh, no, no. There’s almost.. no chance of me seeing anybody I know here. I don’t think.
Vickie: Yeah, ’cause I bet a lot of people in here think I’m probably your daughter or something —
Mark Doyle: Ohhh, no! No, I-I-I don’t think anybody.. thinks that.
Vickie: You know, don’t get the wrong idea – I think you’re a really cool guy! Um, um — you really are a cool guy! Um, um — like, if I was here with a guy >my age, and stuff, he’d practically be trying to take my shirt off! Right here. Gro-oss! Like, you know,they told us in Bio, and stuff, that they can’t even help it. And, like, you know, when they get to be your age, they don’t even want it – they really calm down, like.
Mark Doyle: Uh – are you sure you wouldn’t like another drink?
Vickie: No, thanks.
Mark Doyle: Well, I have an idea. Why don’t we catch a bite here.. and then, we can go out, and – and.. catch a bite someplace else –?[ Sharon Malone enters the scene, carrying two drink glasses ]
Sharon Malone: Well, look who’s here. [ she sits ]
Mark Doyle: [ flustered ] Oh..
Sharon Malone: Mark Doyle.
Mark Doyle: Hello, Sharon.
Sharon Malone: Hi. I haven’t seen you since we did the Philadelphia portfolio – did that go well, alright?
Mark Doyle: Oh, yeah, it – it worked out just fine. Sharon Malone.. this is Vickie.
Sharon Malone: Hello.
Sharon Malone: Well, uh – I was a little worried, since, uh, some of the bonds hadn’t reached maturity yet.
Mark Doyle: No, no – it was o-kay.
Sharon Malone: Oh, good. Well, uh, I’ve really got to go. [ to Vickie ] It was really nice to meet you, and good to see you, Mark. [ stands and exits ]
Vickie: For sure! Like — Mark — like?
Mark Doyle: Uh-huh? What?
Vickie: Um — there’s this really cool dance coming up next week — it’s like a Homecoming dance, sorta — and I was thinking, like, well, you know, I was thinking it would be really cool, like, if you took me, or some junk?
Mark Doyle: Oh, Vickie, no, I don’t think so, uh — its not that I don’t want to —
Vickie: Oh. Oh, ’cause it’s not like I want to go, really, no way! No way! ‘Cause, like — you know, they try to make the wishing wells the basketball goals, and — I’m sure. Nobody —
Mark Doyle: Well, you understand — I mean, that’s the age problem, and I’m sure your school would look askance at that, and I – I just can’t see myself dancing barefooted on the floor of your gym, with all of the signs, and all of those people, and — fighting Buccaneers, and, uh — I don’t —
Vickie: Well, it’s not like I need a date, or something, ’cause, like, I’m going with somebody, okay? [ points out her steady ring ] He’s really a cool guy. He’s in the Marines —
Mark Doyle: Oh, really? Is he – is he in the service?
Vickie: Yeah! He’s sort of black!
Mark Doyle: [ nervous ] Oh. Really?
Vickie: Yeah. He is. Well, what’s the matter? What, are you prejudiced, or something?! I’m su-ure! I’m not gonna sit around with some kind of bigot, or something! Maybe it’s okay in your day, but it’s not cool –!
Mark Doyle: Vickie, Vickie, please — you’re just upset about the Homecoming dance, and using this as an excuse. Now, please relax, and-and-and let’s order another drink!
Vickie: Well, I’m not sitting around with a racist! I’m just gonna get out of here! I’m gonna probably thumb it, and you don’t even care! Duh! I’m sure! Quit it! God! [ leaves the table ] [ Mark finishes his drink and ponders what just happened, as we fade ]