SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 11/15/80: Vickie’s Date


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Vickie’s Date

Mark Doyle…..Elliot Gould
Vickie…..Gail Matthius
Sharon Malone…..Ann Risley

[ open on interior, fancy restaurant. 40-year old Mark Doyle sits at a back table sharing drinks and shrimp cocktail with teenaged Valley girl, Vickie. ]

Mark Doyle: Would you like antoher shrimp cocktail, Vickie?

Vickie: No, thanks – three is enough. This place is not too cool, so just forget it.

Mark Doyle: Aw, I’m glad you like it. You look lovely in this light.

Vickie: Oh, God – It’s better than those grody pizza places guys my age take me to! For sure!

Mark Doyle: Oh, well – well, that’s alright, I – I’m not as ancient as you think I am! I’m gonna have another drink, would you like to have one?

Vickie: No, thanks, but don’t – you know, like, don’t get me wrong or something, because I, like, really like going out with, like, a guy whose in his forties, and stuff. Um – like this friend of mine, you know, um, was, like, seeing one of our teachers this summer – but I wouldn’t do that, no way —

Mark Doyle: Vickie, I just turned forty. THat doesn’t put me into the forties!

Vickie: [ still on her previous train of thought ] Ha! Yeah, well, God, what would I say of I saw him in the hall the next day: “Hello, Mr. Caleska?” I’m sure! I couldn’t even hack it, no way!

Mark Doyle: Well.. so tell me where your head is. Do you like movies?

Vickie: Um – I told my mom I was going to a movie and stuff tonight, you know? [ laughs ] Duuuhh! [ laughs ] Sometimes parents are so stupid, you know? I wonder how they got to be their age! [ shakes her head and laughs ] No offense.

Mark Doyle: [ waves his hand ] No, that’s – that’s okay.

Vickie: [ grabs his cigarette ] Low tar, I’m sure, right? [ smokes his cigarette ] I usually smoke non-filters – not too cool! [ taps the ash into the ashtray ] So, uh, like – do you have a job, or some junk?

Mark Doyle: [ pleased at the thoughtful question ] Well, yes, I do. I seel securities.

Vickie: Oh! Like burglar alarms, and some junk?

Mark Doyle: No, it’s like stocks and bonds.

Vickie: [ not grasping what he means ] Ohhhh. [ a beat ] Wow. [ changes the subject ] So, um, like – do you come here a lot, like, with your friends and stuff, you know?

Mark Doyle: Oh, no, no. There’s almost.. no chance of me seeing anybody I know here. I don’t think.

Vickie: Yeah, ’cause I bet a lot of people in here think I’m probably your daughter or something —

Mark Doyle: Ohhh, no! No, I-I-I don’t think anybody.. thinks that.

Vickie: You know, don’t get the wrong idea – I think you’re a really cool guy! Um, um — you really are a cool guy! Um, um — like, if I was here with a guy >my age, and stuff, he’d practically be trying to take my shirt off! Right here. Gro-oss! Like, you know,they told us in Bio, and stuff, that they can’t even help it. And, like, you know, when they get to be your age, they don’t even want it – they really calm down, like.

Mark Doyle: Uh – are you sure you wouldn’t like another drink?

Vickie: No, thanks.

Mark Doyle: Well, I have an idea. Why don’t we catch a bite here.. and then, we can go out, and – and.. catch a bite someplace else –?

[ Sharon Malone enters the scene, carrying two drink glasses ]

Sharon Malone: Well, look who’s here. [ she sits ]

Mark Doyle: [ flustered ] Oh..

Sharon Malone: Mark Doyle.

Mark Doyle: Hello, Sharon.

Sharon Malone: Hi. I haven’t seen you since we did the Philadelphia portfolio – did that go well, alright?

Mark Doyle: Oh, yeah, it – it worked out just fine. Sharon Malone.. this is Vickie.

Sharon Malone: Hello.

Vickie: Hi.

Sharon Malone: Well, uh – I was a little worried, since, uh, some of the bonds hadn’t reached maturity yet.

Mark Doyle: No, no – it was o-kay.

Sharon Malone: Oh, good. Well, uh, I’ve really got to go. [ to Vickie ] It was really nice to meet you, and good to see you, Mark. [ stands and exits ]

Vickie: For sure! Like — Mark — like?

Mark Doyle: Uh-huh? What?

Vickie: Um — there’s this really cool dance coming up next week — it’s like a Homecoming dance, sorta — and I was thinking, like, well, you know, I was thinking it would be really cool, like, if you took me, or some junk?

Mark Doyle: Oh, Vickie, no, I don’t think so, uh — its not that I don’t want to —

Vickie: Oh. Oh, ’cause it’s not like I want to go, really, no way! No way! ‘Cause, like — you know, they try to make the wishing wells the basketball goals, and — I’m sure. Nobody —

Mark Doyle: Well, you understand — I mean, that’s the age problem, and I’m sure your school would look askance at that, and I – I just can’t see myself dancing barefooted on the floor of your gym, with all of the signs, and all of those people, and — fighting Buccaneers, and, uh — I don’t —

Vickie: Well, it’s not like I need a date, or something, ’cause, like, I’m going with somebody, okay? [ points out her steady ring ] He’s really a cool guy. He’s in the Marines —

Mark Doyle: Oh, really? Is he – is he in the service?

Vickie: Yeah! He’s sort of black!

Mark Doyle: [ nervous ] Oh. Really?

Vickie: Yeah. He is. Well, what’s the matter? What, are you prejudiced, or something?! I’m su-ure! I’m not gonna sit around with some kind of bigot, or something! Maybe it’s okay in your day, but it’s not cool –!

Mark Doyle: Vickie, Vickie, please — you’re just upset about the Homecoming dance, and using this as an excuse. Now, please relax, and-and-and let’s order another drink!

Vickie: Well, I’m not sitting around with a racist! I’m just gonna get out of here! I’m gonna probably thumb it, and you don’t even care! Duh! I’m sure! Quit it! God! [ leaves the table ] [ Mark finishes his drink and ponders what just happened, as we fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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