Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 2
The Leather Weather Report
Written by: Ferris Butler, Billy Brown & Mel Green
Thelma Thunder…..Denny Dillon
Johnny The Weather Map…..Charles Rocket
[Open on a black, leatherbound title card with a brown leather cutout of the United States dotted with silver studs. The words “The Leather Weather Report” are in the middle of the leather cutout. Hard rock music plays]
[Dissolve to a short, blond woman, dressed in a skin-tight black shirt with matching fingerless gloves, chains crossing her chest, and a silver and black choker, sneering at the camera and holding a cat-o-nine-tails]
Thelma Thunder: Good evening and welcome to “The Leather Report” [corrects herself]: “Leather Weather Report”. Im your Leather Weather girl, Thelma Thunder. And this [walks over to a map of the United States, partially obscured by a man lying across it, chained up by his wrists and ankles, wearing tight leather pants, a harness across his naked chest, and a bondage mask]: is our weather map, Johnny.
Johnny the Weather Map: Hello everybody.
Thelma Thunder: [to Johnny] Shut up! Maps are to be seen, not heard. [to the audience]: Theres going to be a high-pressure in the Midwest [begins striking Johnnys chest with her cat-o-nine-tails; Johnny writhes from the pain]: for most of next week!
Johnny the Weather Map: Ouch!
Thelma Thunder: [to Johnny; shrugs] Gods will, sweetheart, what do you want from me?
Johnny the Weather Map: More.
Thelma Thunder: [picks up a hose] Rains are going to sweep westward, beginning in New England [goes back to retrieve the tank connected to the hose, accidentally spraying the camera and begins to spray water on the squirming Johnny]: making their way across Ohio, Indiana, and not quite reaching Pikes Peak [sprays water all over the bulge in Johnnys leather pants]
Johnny the Weather Map: Hey, Im drenched over here!
Thelma Thunder [puts down the hose and the tank] Ya got a lot more comin, baby. [picks up her cat-o-nine-tails]: Also, winds [twirls the cat-o-nine-tails above her head]: will be whipping up around [slams the twirling cat-o-nine near Johnnys side as Johnny writhes]: the Great Lakes region! After that [slams down the cat-onine and picks up a cannister of whipped cream]: were gonna see a lot of snow. [shakes the cannister]: Im afraid it starts out in the Rockies [goes to spray it on Johnnys right leg, but only a couple of globs come out. Denny shakes the can and tries again on Johnnys left leg]: The Rockies! [a thin line of whipped cream comes out, hardly enough to count as snow. Denny gives up on that can of whipped cream, gets another one, and shakes it]: I said, “Snow starting out in the Rockies” [the cannister slightly sprays Denny]: Whoops! [finally gaining control of the cannister, Denny (as Thelma) sprays Johnny with a full can of whipped cream across his left leg, on his groin, and across his naked chest with her victim whimpering throughout as shes making her next weather prediction]: Making its way across America. Who could believe such snow? [stops at Johnnys face]: New York City–17 inches! Massachusetts and Maine–its gonna be snowed in.
Johnny The Weather Map: Do “Massachusetts and Maine” again.
Thelma Thunder [ignores Johnnys request and bends over to put away the cannister of whipped cream] You think thats bad, honey? Wait til you see whats gonna happen to the Midwest–whats gonna happen [bends over and produces a metal bucket filled with rocks]: Hailstones! [chucks a handful of “hailstones” at Johnny as he promptly reacts]: The size of cantaloupes! [continues chucking “hailstones” at Johnny]: Grapefruits! Its gonna snow so bad, I cant stand it! Its cold. All right! [drops the bucket of rocks]
Johnny The Weather Map: Make it–make it snow some more.
Thelma Thunder: [ignores Johnny and picks up a riding crop] Now for a quick temperature check [“Temp. Range” super appears on the screen, listing: “L.A.– Mid-70s”, “Chi.–Mid-20s”, and “NYC–Mid-40s”. Thelma slaps down her riding crop and points to the chart]: Take a look over there and see a look at the temperatures and dress accordingly. Wear your leather boots in the rain and snow–or else! [“Temp. Range” super disappears]
Johnny The Weather Map: Right.
Thelma Thunder: [snaps back] Quiet! [to audience]: This has been your “Leather Weather Report”. Im Thelma Thunder, you Leather Weather girl. Good night.
Johnny The Weather Map: Good night.
[over the live studio audience applause, Thelma Thunder barks, “Shut up!” to Johnny the Weather Map]
[dissolve to Leather Weather Report title card]
Submitted by: Candy