SNL Transcripts: Malcolm McDowell: 11/22/80: The Leather Weather Report


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 2

80b: Malcolm McDowell / Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band

The Leather Weather Report

Written by: Ferris Butler, Billy Brown & Mel Green

Thelma Thunder…..Denny Dillon
Johnny The Weather Map…..Charles Rocket

[Open on a black, leatherbound title card with a brown leather cutout of the United States dotted with silver studs. The words “The Leather Weather Report” are in the middle of the leather cutout. Hard rock music plays]

[Dissolve to a short, blond woman, dressed in a skin-tight black shirt with matching fingerless gloves, chains crossing her chest, and a silver and black choker, sneering at the camera and holding a cat-‘o-nine-tails]

Thelma Thunder: Good evening and welcome to “The Leather Report” [corrects herself]: “Leather Weather Report”. I’m your Leather Weather girl, Thelma Thunder. And this…[walks over to a map of the United States, partially obscured by a man lying across it, chained up by his wrists and ankles, wearing tight leather pants, a harness across his naked chest, and a bondage mask]:…is our weather map, Johnny.

Johnny the Weather Map: Hello everybody.

Thelma Thunder: [to Johnny] Shut up! Maps are to be seen, not heard. [to the audience]: There’s going to be a high-pressure in the Midwest…[begins striking Johnny’s chest with her cat-‘o-nine-tails; Johnny writhes from the pain]:…for most of next week!

Johnny the Weather Map: Ouch!

Thelma Thunder: [to Johnny; shrugs] God’s will, sweetheart, what do you want from me?

Johnny the Weather Map: More.

Thelma Thunder: [picks up a hose] Rains are going to sweep westward, beginning in New England…[goes back to retrieve the tank connected to the hose, accidentally spraying the camera and begins to spray water on the squirming Johnny]:…making their way across Ohio, Indiana, and…not…quite…reaching Pike’s Peak [sprays water all over the bulge in Johnny’s leather pants]

Johnny the Weather Map: Hey, I’m drenched over here!

Thelma Thunder [puts down the hose and the tank] Ya got a lot more comin’, baby. [picks up her cat-o’-nine-tails]: Also, winds [twirls the cat-o’-nine-tails above her head]: will be whipping up around [slams the twirling cat-o’-nine near Johnny’s side as Johnny writhes]: the Great Lakes region! After that [slams down the cat-o’nine and picks up a cannister of whipped cream]: we’re gonna see a lot of snow. [shakes the cannister]: I’m afraid it starts out in the Rockies [goes to spray it on Johnny’s right leg, but only a couple of globs come out. Denny shakes the can and tries again on Johnny’s left leg]: The Rockies! [a thin line of whipped cream comes out, hardly enough to count as snow. Denny gives up on that can of whipped cream, gets another one, and shakes it]: I said, “Snow starting out in the Rockies” [the cannister slightly sprays Denny]: Whoops! [finally gaining control of the cannister, Denny (as Thelma) sprays Johnny with a full can of whipped cream across his left leg, on his groin, and across his naked chest with her victim whimpering throughout as she’s making her next weather prediction]: Making its way across America. Who could believe such snow? [stops at Johnny’s face]: New York City–17 inches! Massachusetts and Maine–it’s gonna be snowed in.

Johnny The Weather Map: Do “Massachusetts and Maine” again.

Thelma Thunder [ignores Johnny’s request and bends over to put away the cannister of whipped cream] You think that’s bad, honey? Wait ‘til you see what’s gonna happen to the Midwest–what’s gonna happen [bends over and produces a metal bucket filled with rocks]: Hailstones! [chucks a handful of “hailstones” at Johnny as he promptly reacts]: The size of cantaloupes! [continues chucking “hailstones” at Johnny]: Grapefruits! It’s gonna snow so bad, I can’t stand it! It’s cold. All right! [drops the bucket of rocks]

Johnny The Weather Map: Make it–make it snow some more.

Thelma Thunder: [ignores Johnny and picks up a riding crop] Now for a quick temperature check [“Temp. Range” super appears on the screen, listing: “L.A.– Mid-70’s”, “Chi.–Mid-20’s”, and “NYC–Mid-40’s”. Thelma slaps down her riding crop and points to the chart]: Take a look over there and see a look at the temperatures and dress accordingly. Wear your leather boots in the rain and snow–or else! [“Temp. Range” super disappears]

Johnny The Weather Map: Right.

Thelma Thunder: [snaps back] Quiet! [to audience]: This has been your “Leather Weather Report”. I’m Thelma Thunder, you Leather Weather girl. Good night.

Johnny The Weather Map: Good night.

[over the live studio audience applause, Thelma Thunder barks, “Shut up!” to Johnny the Weather Map]

[dissolve to Leather Weather Report title card]

[fade out]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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