SNL Transcripts: Malcolm McDowell: 11/22/80: Tobacco Growers of America


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 2

80b: Malcolm McDowell / Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band

Tobacco Growers of America

Joseph Richman…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on Jospeh Richman, seated at executive desk in front of “Tobacco Growers of America banner ] [ Jan & Dean’s “Surf City” inadvertently begins playing, a miscue from the Serf City sketch that follows this one; the music is muted immediately ]

Jospeh Richman: Hello. I’m Jospeh Richman, from the TGA – the Tobacco Growers of America – and I have some startling news for you about lung cancer.

For too long now, the American public has lived under a gross misconception – that smoking tobacco causes lung cancer. Well, we at the TGA deplore this, for it is deceptive, and, tonight, we would like to make the real truth known.

There’s no denying that lung cancer is messy and inconvenient. But to blame it on cigarettes is specious and ill-founded. [ picks up a cigarette from a container filled with them ] Can we really blame this for death? Let’s examine it: we have the outer covering – paper. Paper is grown from trees. You don’t see warnings on tress, do you? [ smiles faceitously ] And, in the belly, we have 100% pure tobacco — [ tears the outer papering off and lets the inner tobacco spill onto the desk ] straight from the earth – Mother Earth – where flowers grow and children frolic. And people think this kills? This is a delicate object. [ places it gently on the surface of the desk ] It’s so weak, I can CRUSH it with my bare hands! [ pounds his hand on top of the cigarette, splattering paper and tobacco across his desk ] Look at the way it fights back, huh? Some murderer! Clearly, it is not the poor cigarette that causes lung cancer. It’s the lung!

[ camera pulls out, as Joseph Richman pulls a model of a lung closer to himself ]

Let’s take a look at this lemon! No wonder people die! It’s got a cockamamie shape! It’s way too little! It’s filled with MUCUS! It’s flimsy! It’s clammy! And, for the life of me, I don’t know how ANYTHING gets in or out of that pathetic little hole! Really!! If it works so well, why do you need TWO?! It’s CLEAR where the fault lies! The lung has ONE job: to get rid of a little smoke! And does it do it?! NO!! The lung TRAPS the smoke!! ON PURPOSE!! It KEEPS it!! My seven-year old daughter’s FAN could blow a little smoke away, but that’s TOO much for poor old Mr. Lung!

This, as you can well understand, is a serious problem, and so, the FDA has taken serious action. The lung must be recalled. So all persons with lungs shall send them to:

[ SUPER appears ]

30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, New York 10020.

Persons without lungs need not worry. Thank you. [ smiles goodnight ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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