Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 2
80b: Malcolm McDowell / Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band
Mutually Omaha’s Wild Kingdom
Written by: Barry W. Blaustein & David Sheffield
Marlin Perkins…..Charles Rocket
Jim Fowler……Joe Piscopo
[ open on title card ]
Announcer: Welcome to “Mutually Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.” With your host, Marlin Perkins.[ dissolve to Marlin Perkins standing next to a globe ]
Marlin Perkins: Good evening, everyone, and welcome! In the past, our program has taken you around the globe in pursuit of nature’s most interesting and exotic creatures. Tonight, we’re on a special mission: due to shifts in the prevailing political climate, minorities are now fleeing the familiar liberal lake wastelands to seek the fertile promised land of the GOP. Our purpose is to keep track of these fascinating migratory patterns. [ zoom in on globe ] Join us tonight, as we go: [ spins the globe, as title appears ] “In Search of the Negro Republican.”[ dissolve to cocktail party scene, Caucasians and Negroes migrating alike ]
Marlin Perkins V/O: Although not as numerous here in Harlem, as in the South Bronx, Negroes a-plenty can be found in parts of Manhatten’s fashionable East Side.
Marlin Perkins V/O: To avoid detection, my assistant, Jim Fowler, has disguised himself as a waiter. [ Jim approaches a male Negro dressed in a suit ] It looks like Jim may have found one already! That could be our Negro Republican now! [ Jim makes small talk, the Negro shows him a card and Jim continues on ] However, looks can be deceiving, and, as it turned out, this Negro wasn’t a Republican, but just the owner of a funeral home![ Jim mingles further among the party’s Negro guests, finally stopping near a second male Negro ]
Marlin Perkins V/O: He might be just what we’re looking for! He’s a Negro, alright, and, hopefully, a Negro Republican! Let’s watch Jim as he finds out![ close in on Jim and the male Negro ]
Jim Fowler: Would you care for a drink, Sir?
Negro Republican: [ looks over, speaks with a stuffy tone ] Martini! Uh, very dry. [ takes one of the martinis offered by Jim ]
Jim Fowler: Sayyyyy.. how about those Steelers last sunday, huh?
Negro Republican: Actually, I don’t care much for football. Uh, my wife and I, uh, went to a concert.
Jim Fowler: [ coughs ] The, uh.. Isley Brothers?
Negro Republican: No. The Carpenters.
Marlin Perkins V/O: Now, the final test.
Jim Fowler: Say, uh – [ removes a packet from his jacket pocket ] you don’t happen to know anything about.. stocks and bonds, do you?
Negro Republican: [ intrigued ] W-why do you ask?
Jim Fowler: Well, I, uh, just happen to have these high-end municipal bonds here, and, uh — [ the Negro takes the packet from Jim ]
Negro Republican: Right. [ examines the packet ] I’ll have my broker check them out. [ places the packet in his own jacket pocket ]
Marlin Perkins V/O: He’s taking the bait!
Jim Fowler: You know.. the economy sure has been in a mess lately.
Negro Republican: You know, I think that, uh, oh, once the Ronald Reagan, uh, administration policy takes a turn and, uh, picks up on it, I think that things will turn out pretty well.
Marlin Perkins V/O: There’s our proof! He’s definitely a Negro Republican! Jim will have to move fast. [ drops a pill into the Negro’s martini glass ] He’s using a harmless sedative to temporarily demobilize our subject.[ the Negro sips from his martini, then suddenly stands very still ]
Marlin Perkins V/O: Working carefully, so as not to injure him, Jim will attach the special American flag pin. [ Jim attaches a pin to the Negro’s jacket lapel, which emits a beeping sound ] Inside is a tiny radio transmitter that will permit us to follow his movements.[ the Negro suddenly regains mobility, shakes his head a couple of times, then retires with his wife to another part of the room. Jim follows close behind, meticulously taking notes. ] [ dissolve back to Marlin Perkins ]
Marlin Perkins: So, until next week, remember: each and every creature, including the Negro Republican, is a valuable and irreplaceable part of.. the wild Kingdom![ dissolve back to title card, and fade ]