SNL Transcripts: Malcolm McDowell: 11/22/80: Serf City

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 2

80b: Malcolm McDowell / Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band

Serf City

Lord Jack…..Charles Rocket
Earl…..Malcolm McDowell
Bingo…..Ann Risley
Moondoggy…..Gail Matthius
Serf….Neil Levy

[ open on stock photo exterior of Englush castle ] [ music: “Surf City”, Jan & Dean ] [ dissolve to interior, as Lord Jack and Earl enter, laughing ]

Lord Jack: I’m telling you, Earl, you’re just going to LOVE this new sport — it’s more fun than trial-by-fire!

Earl: I hope you’re right, Jack! I’m so tired of all that screaming! And the smell! [ he laughs maniacally ]

Lord Jack: Well, this is different. You’re really going to go for this, or my name isn’t Jack Lord!

Earl: But it isn’t — it’s Lord Jack.

Lord Jack: That’s right! Whatever was I thinking? Well, anyway, it’s ever so easy! [ he looks down the hall ] Send in the serfs! Come on! [ two feudal serfs enter ] Well, first — you place your serf down on the ground on his stomach. [ the serfs lay on the ground ] Now you stand on his back… and try to keep your balance while sexy wenches tickle us with large feathers!

Earl: [ laughing ] Ooh, it sounds like it could be fun! [ he stands on a serf ] But where are the sexy wenches?

Lord Jack: Oh, how can I possibly forget? [ he calls off-screen ] Bingo! Mondoggy!

[ two sexy wenches run in, giggling ]

Earl: Bingo? Moondoggy? Hmm… not bad! I think I’m going to like this!

Lord Jack: Okay, get on! Because here we go!

[ they stand on the grumbling serfs’ backs as the wenches tickle them with feathers ]

Lord Jack: Oh, what complainers! Okay, try to stay on.

Earl: This is more fun than a flogging! Oh, I love it! What’s it called, again?

Lord Jack: Serfing!

Earl: What a PERFECT name!

[ one of the serfs climbs to his feet and walks away ]

Lord Jack: Uh-oh — serf’s up!

Earl: What does that mean?

Lord Jack: It means that serf’s time is up! Time to get a different serf!

Earl: Oh.

Lord Jack: [ calling off-screen ] NEXT!! Come on, come on!

[ another serf enters and takes his place on the ground ]

Lord Jack: Sheesh! It’s SO hard to find good serfs these days! You know, I’ve complained to His Majesty a MILLION times with no results!

Earl: Whoo! It’s feudal! By the way — whoo! — What do you do if you run out of serfs?

Lord Jack: Ohhh, I take precautions. I usually hang ten, so I have plenty on reserve.

Earl: Brilliant! [ he steps off his serf ] I say, Lord Jack?

Lord Jack: Yes?

Earl: Do you know what I think would be a great idea?

Lord Jack: No. What?

Earl: We take these serfs out on that large body of water… and ride those big waves that roll into the shore.

[ the serfs moan with dismay ]

Lord Jack: No, it would never work.

Earl: Hmm… you’re probably right. Well, let it rip! Serfer, wenches!

Lord Jack: Come on, here we go!

[ they proceed to continue serfing ] [ music: “Surf City”, Jan & Dean ] [ pull out on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up: New Wave Nun Breaks Old Habit” ] [ fade ]

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