SNL Transcripts: Malcolm McDowell: 11/22/80: Serf City


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 2

80b: Malcolm McDowell / Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band

Serf City

Lord Jack…..Charles Rocket
Earl…..Malcolm McDowell
Bingo…..Ann Risley
Moondoggy…..Gail Matthius
Serf….Neil Levy

[ open on stock photo exterior of Englush castle ] [ music: “Surf City”, Jan & Dean ] [ dissolve to interior, as Lord Jack and Earl enter, laughing ]

Lord Jack: I’m telling you, Earl, you’re just going to LOVE this new sport — it’s more fun than trial-by-fire!

Earl: I hope you’re right, Jack! I’m so tired of all that screaming! And the smell! [ he laughs maniacally ]

Lord Jack: Well, this is different. You’re really going to go for this, or my name isn’t Jack Lord!

Earl: But it isn’t — it’s Lord Jack.

Lord Jack: That’s right! Whatever was I thinking? Well, anyway, it’s ever so easy! [ he looks down the hall ] Send in the serfs! Come on! [ two feudal serfs enter ] Well, first — you place your serf down on the ground on his stomach. [ the serfs lay on the ground ] Now you stand on his back… and try to keep your balance while sexy wenches tickle us with large feathers!

Earl: [ laughing ] Ooh, it sounds like it could be fun! [ he stands on a serf ] But where are the sexy wenches?

Lord Jack: Oh, how can I possibly forget? [ he calls off-screen ] Bingo! Mondoggy!

[ two sexy wenches run in, giggling ]

Earl: Bingo? Moondoggy? Hmm… not bad! I think I’m going to like this!

Lord Jack: Okay, get on! Because here we go!

[ they stand on the grumbling serfs’ backs as the wenches tickle them with feathers ]

Lord Jack: Oh, what complainers! Okay, try to stay on.

Earl: This is more fun than a flogging! Oh, I love it! What’s it called, again?

Lord Jack: Serfing!

Earl: What a PERFECT name!

[ one of the serfs climbs to his feet and walks away ]

Lord Jack: Uh-oh — serf’s up!

Earl: What does that mean?

Lord Jack: It means that serf’s time is up! Time to get a different serf!

Earl: Oh.

Lord Jack: [ calling off-screen ] NEXT!! Come on, come on!

[ another serf enters and takes his place on the ground ]

Lord Jack: Sheesh! It’s SO hard to find good serfs these days! You know, I’ve complained to His Majesty a MILLION times with no results!

Earl: Whoo! It’s feudal! By the way — whoo! — What do you do if you run out of serfs?

Lord Jack: Ohhh, I take precautions. I usually hang ten, so I have plenty on reserve.

Earl: Brilliant! [ he steps off his serf ] I say, Lord Jack?

Lord Jack: Yes?

Earl: Do you know what I think would be a great idea?

Lord Jack: No. What?

Earl: We take these serfs out on that large body of water… and ride those big waves that roll into the shore.

[ the serfs moan with dismay ]

Lord Jack: No, it would never work.

Earl: Hmm… you’re probably right. Well, let it rip! Serfer, wenches!

Lord Jack: Come on, here we go!

[ they proceed to continue serfing ] [ music: “Surf City”, Jan & Dean ] [ pull out on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up: New Wave Nun Breaks Old Habit” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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