Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 2
80b: Malcolm McDowell / Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band
Weekend Update with Charles Rocket
…..Charles Rocket
John Lennon…..Malcolm McDowell
Yoko Ono…..Denny Dillon
…..Joe Piscopo
Dr. Murray Abromowitz…..Gilbert Gottfried
Announcer: And now it’s time for Weekend Update, with anchorman Charles Rocket.
Charles Rocket: Good evening. I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news:
[ show hotel balcony with knotted towels hanging off the side ]In Las Vegas, where none of the hotels and casinos conform to present city fire codes, where ladders only reach the ninth floor, many of the taler hotels, in an effort to reassure their guests, have incorporated the special linen fire escape devices, pictured here.Incidentally, the former presidential rivals made peace today, when Reagan announced he would follow an old Republican tradition: to make his first act in office, pardoning Jimmy Carter.
Well, it looks as if that conservative election landslide signaled a little bit of a turn to the right in all our lives. Six Klansmen were aquitted of murder this week, ten gays were machine-gunned in the streets of New York, and, when a Michigan high school girl wore this slit skirt in a Homecoming parade, eggs were thrown at her house and funeral leaves were scattered on her parents’ lawn. Looks like a nationwide turn to traditional American values and morality. [ audience groans ] If you ask me.
The General Assembly of the United Nations voted this week for an immediate withdrawal of Soviet forces from Afghanistan. Oleg Troyanovsky, Russian ambassador to the UN, explained that the Soviet are anxious to depart, and they plan to do so as oson as they can find and thank the person who invited them there.
The Iranian government is still trying to retrieve that pair of diamond pendant earrings valued, uh — weighing, actually, 131 karats. The earrings were auctioned by sotheby’s last week for over $6.6 million. Well, Iran claims the earrings belong to the Shah’s widow, Farah Diva. As we know, the new Islamic government wants all property owned by the Shah returned to Iran — [ show image of the Ayatollah wearing the earrings ] Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini especially requested that the jewels be returned by Christmas. [ blows a kiss ]
Well, all of America was SHOCKED last night by the discovery that “Dallas” millionaire, J.R. Ewing, had been shot by Mary Crosby, daughter of the late crooner, Bing Crosby. When reached for comment, Bing’s longtime pal, Bob Hope, said, “I’m grateful Bing didn’t live to see it. He only shot an occasional birdie.” [ light groans from audience ] “He only shot an occasional birdie.”
Academy Award winner Michael Cimino’s new picture, “Heaven’s Gate”, opened in New York this week, but the reception was less than heavenly. In fact, United Artists is recalling the film, which cost $45 million and runs three-and-a-half hours. But United Artists hopes to salvage the project – Cimino has been ordered to re-cut the picture into a two-week long television miniseries called “Those Amazing Horsies.”
In Peking this week, the trial of the famous Gang of Four began. The central figure in that trial is Jiang Qing, widow of the Mao Tse-Tung. Nancy Reagan, noting that Madame Mao, like herself, is a former movie star — [ stops, corrects himself ] uh, former movie actress accused of manipulating thousands of party officials while her aging husband was in power. Said Nancy, “Boy, I’m glad I live in America!” [ inaudible gasps from audience ]
Charles Rocket: Well, as you may know, last Saturday, Yours Truly, Charles Rocket, came very close – about this close – [ touches his index finger to his thumb ] – to getting an interview with John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Well, this week, Weekend Update was contacted by the Lennons, who insisted to an exclusive interview tonight. So, let me welcome the couple that kept it a low profile for the last six years, with a big hearty HELLO to Mr. and Mrs. John Lennon! [ turns to greet them on the monitor ] Hi!
John & Yoko: [ drinking from mugs ] Hello, John.
Charles Rocket: Say, what’s that you’re drinking, John?
John Lennon: It’s a natural cocoa, made with just a touch of cinnamon.
Yoko Ono: [ excited ] It’s very good! [ picks up pieces of silverware and begins to weigh it on a scale ]
John Lennon: Yoko is just loco about my cocoa. [ polishes a spoon with a linen napkin ]
Charles Rocket: John, why don’t you tell us where you are, and what you’re doing.
John Lennon: Yeah, I’ll be glad to, Charles. All I will tell you is that we’re in the kitchen of one of our many apartments or houses somewhere. And I’m here cleaning the silverware, and Yoko is weighing it.
Yoko Ono: I, uh – I have great faith in silver as a commodity!
John Lennon: And I like to see me face in it. [ glances at his reflection in a spoon ] I also like to see me face in a wine glass or a dinner plate. Once, Yoko’s mother came for a visit, and all the glasses have, uh, you know, spots on them. I wanted to disappear into the carpet.
Charles Rocket: Well, John, that’s, uh, what we hear, that you’ve become quite a house-husband.
John Lennon: Yes, it’s true. Besides doting on our child, I’ve been mostly cleaning and, of course, going to my Tibetan cooking class on a Wednesday evening.
Charles Rocket: And, Yoko, we hear that you handle the financial affairs.
Yoko Ono: Yes! But I like to work at home, and on the phone, and with computers!
Charles Rocket: Well, John, tell us about the new album, would you, please?
John Lennon: Well, uh — [ looks at Yoko ] It’s mainly love songs and a few oven-cleaning tips. We think the album kind of shows that we are no different from you or me. [ turns to Yoko ] Don’t you think so, Mother?
[ Yoko makes a sudden screeching sound ]Charles Rocket: Was that from the album?
John Lennon: No, Charlie, from her heart. And I love it!
Charles Rocket: Well, John, Yoko, thanks for letting us briefly share your life together. And, is there anything else you’d like to say?
John Lennon: Oh, uh, it’s just that Yoko hopes to buy Pennsylvania. and I’d like to thank a fabric softener that shows my family I really care – because I do. Really.
[ Yoko glances offscreen and begins screeching ]John Lennon: [ glances offscreen with Yoko, horrified ] Oh, no! Me cake! [ runs offscreen ,as smoke pours into frame ] Oh, dear! Oh, Yoko! [ returns to frame with a burnt cake in his hands ] Me cake is ruined! It’s all ruined! [ looks at Charles ] It’s his fault! It’s his fault, there! I didn’t want to do this interview in the first place! I mean, THAT’S it! No more interviews! Go on! Get out of here! [ whining ] Oh, Yoko! Me cake, Yoko..
Charles Rocket: [ turns away ] Well, thanks a lot, John and Yoko Lennon. Hey, what a couple, huh! Don’t you just love ’em! Fantastic.
In more news: Customs agents in Miami seized a Caribbean freighter Wednesday, and arrested the crew and impounded the cargo. When no trace of marijuana was discovered among the automatic weapons and ammunitions onboard, crew, cargo and freighter were released early today.
This week, our Supreme Court judges began calling themselves “Justice”, instead of the more formal “Mr. Justice.” Regarding the new informality, Justice Wizzer White said he thought the change was “kinda jazzy.” And Justice “Potty” Stewart commented, “That may be slick for the Whizzer, but, for me, it’s Nowheresville.” And Warren “The Big Cheese” Burger, added, “Boop boop de boop!”
In an attempt to boost sagging K car sales, the Chrysler Corporatino began issuing rebates today. But President Lee Iacocca isn’t worried — “We’re already working on the L car,” he said. “And there are ourteen more letters where that one came from!”
[ show image of man wearing grotesque mask ]Well, today the Navy discovered the first stowaway on the nuclear submarine, Nautilus. He was found huddled near the reactor, and, when questioned, he remarked, “I didn’t think anyone would bother me down there!”Well, this one just in: because the word “napalm” evokes images of burned and screaming children, its name has been officially changed to “Incinder-gel.” Other changes announced include the following: the word “war” becomes “game”; “soldier” will be replaced by “mailman”; and the word “gun” becomes “pencil.”
Charles Rocket: Well, there’s a big fight in New Orleans Tuesday, and, here to tell us about it is our own Joe Piscopo! Joe!
Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Charlie. Hello again, everybody. Joe Piscopo. Live. Saturday Night Sports. The big story: Tuesday. Superdome. New Orleans. Louisiana. Roberto Duran. Sugar Ray Leonard. Welterweight championship. Rumor has it that Roberto Duran is just not ready for this fight, that he has lost that gut feeling to beat Sugar Ray. Well, I spoke to Duran this week, and the feisty Panamanian told me: [ speaks nonsensical Spanish ] So, if you ask me, the man.. is.. ready.
In the mantime, Sugar Ray Leonard says he’ll fight his own kind of fight this time, not Duran’s fight on Tuesday night. What’s my prediction? I think the fight is going to look like this: [ places Rock-’em Sock-’em Robots on the newsdesk ] First, in the early rounds, both fighters will come out furiously throwing punches! Until the later rounds, when Leonard will go over to Duran, and he will — [ uses one robot to punch the other robot’s head into the air ] knock his block off!! Joe Piscopo! Saturday Night Sports! Charlie!
Charles Rocket: Thank you, Joe. [ to camera ] You know, we on Weekend Update never recognize our responsibility to air opposing viewpoints on our show. But, here with a response to our FIRST show, is Dr. Murray Abromowitz! Doctor.
Dr. Murray Abromowitz: You bet. [ waves hiss arms frantically the entire time ] Just last week, I was watching “Sturday Night Live” – you remember that show. It was on last — I missed the anson Williams special, you see! So I’m watching this show – they do this sketch about the President, his sexual problem – what, he’s not able to achieve, uh — you know, uh, in bed! So – so what? They have to pick on him because of that! What, you think when Reagan’s President, he’ll be able to?! Yuo think if you were President that you’d be able to?! And then, if it wasn’t that, then they were doing homosexual jokes! What? “This homosexual”, “That homosexual.” Where’s the joke in that? That’s not funny! What, where is this, “Live from Fire Island?” And then, if it wasn’t homosexuals, they were doing “Jewish this,” and “Jewish that.” I counted four Jewish jokes, and only two of them were funny! Who writes this show – Hitler? And Cancer – what a big laugh-getter! Let’s face it – the people responsible for this show aren’t that well! They need analyis. They ALL need it – the writers need it, the producer — [ points at screen ] the cameraman! You need it! Get — come OUT from there! Come – come out from — come — you can face me like a person! He won’t face me like a person! He sits behind there – what’s he doing!
I’m Murray Abromowitz. That’s my opinion! You don’t want it, don’t take it!
Charles Rocket: Well, thank you, Dr. Abromowitz.
Dr. Murray Abromowitz: Thank you, Charlie!
Charles Rocket: Until ournext session, this is Charles Rocket saying, “Good night.. and watch out.”
[ camera pulls back, as Rocket signs off on his news copy ] [ fade ]