Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 3
A Message From David Rockefeller
David Rockefeller…..Charles Rocket
[ open on NBC program collage ]
Announcer: “Those Incredible TV Shows” will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you this important message from Chase Manhatten president David Rockefeller.[ dissolve to David Rockefeller seated at desk ]
David Rockefeller: Hi. I’m David Rockefeller, with a message to you proor people from the new Reagan administration. Now, I’m not really a part of the government — only elected officials can make policy — everybody knows that! But they asked me to tell you about the new plan to eliminate poverty in the United States once and for all. The United States is going co-op, and, if you know anything about co-ops, you realize not everyone can stay — and we’re pretty choosy! So here are some guidelines to see if you qualify for a spot.
First of all: Income. A qualifying income, one that would allow you to stay, might be… say… $250,000 a year. Non-qualifying income would be, for example: $3.65 an hour.
Another thing we’ll be looking at is Occupation. If you happen to be, say, an International Financier — no problem there, you can stay! If, on theo ther hand, you were, say, an Unemployed Welfare Recipient… you’d have to go!
This is just some of the information we’re looking at. How do you know if you can stay? Well, if you don’t qualify, sometime within the next two weeks, you’ll receive one of these pink notices, evicting you fom the country. [ he hodls up the notice ] Now, I hear you saying, “Evicted from the U.S.? Where will we go?” Calm down. The President and I have always been quite clear on where you poor people can go.
First, you’re all to meet at Ellis Island. [ he picks up a globe ] From there, if your name begins with the letters A through J — Alvarez through Johnson — you’ll go to Cambodia.
K through M — you go to Argentina.
N through T — to El Salvador.
U through Z — Haiti.
There, you will begin your new lives as peasants, under the thumb of a friendly foreign dictator. And there, if you choose, you can study hard and try to qualify for a higher-paying job, say, a doctor or a lawyer. Then, we’ll welcome you back, and once again you’ll be… “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”