SNL Transcripts: Jamie Lee Curtis: 12/13/80: Three-Card Monty


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 4

80d: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley

Three-Card Monty

Paulie Herman….Joe Piscopo
Black Hustler….Eddie Murphy
Cop….Charles Rocket

[Opens with a bus terminal. Fast-talking black hustleris paying 3 card monte on top of a box. 2 guys arewatching him shuffle the 3 cards]

Black Hustler: Ok, it’s in the bank, Frank, no tax,Max. Here we go, round and round we go, where shestops nobody knows. Come on, let’s play the game. [guypoints at the card]Black card! Sorry, man. Youlose.[takes money, guy leaves] Sorry about that, it’sall right, put your money down,[shuffles cards] don’tgo wasting my time, here we go, round and round we gowhere– Which card you want? Is this the card youwant?! Black card! Sorry, my man. That’s it! [ 2nd guyleaves] Hey, come on, man. Let’s play some more. Hey, come on back, man!

[Nerdy Paulie Herman walks in, strange frown on hisface, over the black hustler’s shoulder]

Paulie Herman: Hey, come on back, man! Come on back!What are you doing?

Black Hustler: I’m makin’money, man. You wanna makesome money, jack?

Paulie Herman: Oh, I love to but I gotta catch my bus.

Black Hustler: Say, man, you got plenty of time. Yourbus ain’t gonna come for a while. Where you live anyway?

Paulie Herman: I’m from Jersey! Ha!,ha!,ha!,ha! Areyou from Jersey? Ha!,ha!, ha!,ha! I’m from Jersey!

Black Hustler: No, baby, I’m from New York City.

Paulie Herman: New York! Wow! [sings]”Start spreadingthe news / I’m leaving today…”

Black Hustler: Say, look man, You wanna make some money or what?

Paulie Herman: Oh, I don’t know. I am doing quite wellat the plant right now what with my pension plan andthe dental plan and the blue cross and the blueshield, I’ll get my free prescriptions next year…

Black Hustler: No, man, I’ll make you some big bucks, man!

Paulie Herman: Wow, hey, that sounds like fun!

[Hustler senses an easy mark]

Black Hustler: It is fun and easy too.

Paulie Herman: Yeah.

Black Hustler: I’ll play this game called “3 card monte”.

Paulie Herman: Yeah?

Black Hustler: You understand what I’m saying?

Paulie Herman: No.

Black Hustler: Well, look here. I got this 3 cardshere. One of them is red, right?

Paulie Herman: One of them is red….

Black Hustler: Two of them are black. Gonna mix ’emup. You find the red card, win some money.

Paulie Herman: Ok.

Black Hustler: Here we go, [shuffles the 3 cards]roundand round she goes, where she stops nobody knows, findthe card, here we go, luck be a lady—here we go,whatcha gonna do?, here we go, boom!

[Stops shuffling, Paulie looks down at the cards]

Paulie Herman: What?

Black Hustler: I said find the red card.

Paulie Herman:[picks up the right card easily] It’s right here.

Black Hustler: Now we’re gonna play for real money.Here we go, round and round….

[A cop appears, black hustler hides behind Paulie]

Cop: All right, fellas. What’s going on here?

Paulie Herman: Oh, we’re playing cards officer. You wanna play?

Cop: No. You boys from around here?

Paulie Herman: Well, I’m from Jersey! Ha!, ha!,ha!,ha!,ha!. Are you from Jersey?

Cop: No, not hardly. How about you? Where you from?

Black Hustler: I’m from Jersey. Are you from Jersey?

Paulie Herman: I thought you said you’re from New York.

Black Hustler:[nervous]Oh, yeah. New York, New Jersey,same thing, metropolitan area.

Cop: Well, if you boys are from New Jersey you best begetting on your bus, now get goin’.

Paulie Herman: Oh, yes sir, officer. Right away. Here we go.

[cop leaves]

Black Hustler: Say man, we were lucky.

Paulie Herman: Lucky, huh? Hey, [sings]”Luck be lady tonight…”

Black Hustler: Look, please, don’t sing no mo’, if yougonna sing, sing something hip like James Brown or something.

Paulie Herman: Oh, James Brown, terrific footballplayer. I didn’t know he could sing! Yeah, great actortoo, I especially enjoyed him in “Chips” last yearwhere he did that roller skating segment with Fred Williamson.

Black Hustler: Oh, man…[picks up his box and cards]

Paulie Herman: Of course, you’re well aware of hisclassic film “Tick Tick Tick”….

Black Hustler: Just get away from me, man.

Paulie Herman: Of course…..

[Black Hustler goes out the bus terminal with Pauliebehind him jabbering away nonstop] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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