SNL Transcripts: Jamie Lee Curtis: 12/13/80: Poker and Drugs Don’t Mix

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 4

80d: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley

Poker and Drugs Don’t Mix

Narrator/Voice of Jack Card…..Charles Rocket
Janice…..Ann Risley
Female Poker Player…..Denny Dillon
Man #1…..Matthew Laurence
Man #2…..Joe Piscopo
Man #3…..Gilbert Gottfried
Voice of Queen Card…..Gail Matthius

[Open on close-up of ten poker chips–one white, two blue, and seven red–in the middle of a green poker table while someone deals out cards]

Narrator: These young people are having a good time playing poker.

[Pull back to reveal three men and two women sitting around a poker table in the basement of a house, chatting over one another and smoking marijuana cigarettes, except for Man #3, who is drinking from a brown and white mug.]

Narrator: (cont’d) They’re looking forward to a long, friendly evening of competition, [The others who are smoking joints cough heavily and extinguish the joints in their ashtrays as the game commences] but they’ve made one mistake: they’ve been smoking marijuana.

[some laughter and a man in the live studio audience shouting, “All right!” can be heard as we dissolve to an over-the-shoulder shot of Man #1’s hand of cards (an eight of spades, a seven of spades, a six of spades, a five of spades, and a four of clubs)]

Narrator: Because of marijuana [Man #1 takes a puff off his marijuana cigarette], this man thinks his four of clubs is a spade.

[Man #1 cracks up at his hand of cards. He exhales smoke and stubs out his joint, ready to ante up]

Man #1: [coughs and throws two chips in the center] I’ll see your two. [cracks up and puts the rest of his chips in the center]: and raise you fifteen.

[The other players “Ooh!” in amazement, but the Female Poker Player isn’t impressed]

Narrator: He thinks he’s got a flush.

Female Poker Player: [puts her chips in the center] Okay, call!

Man #1: [pins down cards so the Female Poker Player can see them] A flush. Read ‘em and weep!

Female Poker Player: [points to four of clubs in his hand of cards] That isn’t a spade!

[Man #1 checks his hand. His face falls at the oversight and the resulting mistake]

Man #1: Oh no! [buries his face in his hands]

[dissolve to overhead shot of the five poker players]

Narrator: He’s cleaned out. He’ll have to borrow to stay in the game, all thanks to pot.

[dissolve to over-the-shoulder shot of Janice, another female poker player, who has a royal straight flush (a ten, jack, queen, king, and ace of hearts). Zoom-in on Janice’s hand as Narrator continues]

Narrator: This woman has a royal straight flush, but she’s so stoned, she thinks the queen is having an affair with the jack.

[dissolve from shot of Janice’s hand to Janice as she begins to hear voices coming from her cards. Her eyes dart around nervously as she listens in on the conversation]

Queen Card: [in a high, British accent] Psst, Jack, after this hand, meet me at the bottom of the deck.

Jack Card: [also in a high, British accent] But what about the king? He’s standing right next to you!

Queen Card: Don’t worry. The old goat can’t keep up. We’ll lose him in the shuffle!

[Pull back to two shot of Janice, still zoned out from smoking pot, and Man #2, who has noticed that Janice hasn’t done anything]

Man #2: Come on, Janice, are you gonna open or what?

Everyone Else: Yeah, come on!

Janice: [dazed] Uh, no. Open? Oh, no, no, no. This is much too private. [puts cards face down on the poker table and turns away]

[Everyone else at the table groans. Dissolve to overhead shot of the five players]

Narrator: She’s so loaded, she’s folding a royal straight flush–and she doesn’t care!

[dissolve to Man #3, who, unlike the other stoned players looks a little too alert as he stares at his cards. The Female Poker Player deals him two more cards. He collects them]

Narrator: This man, drawing to a pair of nines with an ace kicker, didn’t smoke marijuana. Instead, while his friends were spacing out, he’d stay sharp and alert by drinking eight cups of coffee.

[Man #3 shows his hand of cards–a full house (a nine of diamonds, a nine of spades, an ace of clubs, an ace of spades, and an ace of diamons)–with a victorious smile on his face.]

Narrator: Wow! He’s filled out a full house. [Cut to close-up of the full house, followed by a three shot of Man #3 looking around to see if anyone can beat that]: Look at that hand. That’s the best hand he’s had all night–but he played it much too soon…

Female Poker Player: Misdeal!

Narrator: (cont’d) …because he’s wired from too much caffeine.

[Zoom out to a final overhead shot of the drugged-out players ending their poker game as everyone else grumbles over Man #3’s winning hand and Man #3 drinks from his coffee mug]

[Orange SUPER: “Poker and Drugs Don’t Mix” appear as the scene ends]

Narrator: Poker and drugs don’t mix. If you’re gonna get high, don’t play cards. This has been a satire of a public service announcement.

[applause as we fade out]

Submitted by: Candy

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