Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 4
Poker and Drugs Dont Mix
Narrator/Voice of Jack Card…..Charles Rocket
Female Poker Player…..Denny Dillon
Man #1…..Matthew Laurence
Man #2…..Joe Piscopo
Man #3…..Gilbert Gottfried
Voice of Queen Card…..Gail Matthius
Narrator: These young people are having a good time playing poker.
[Pull back to reveal three men and two women sitting around a poker table in the basement of a house, chatting over one another and smoking marijuana cigarettes, except for Man #3, who is drinking from a brown and white mug.]
Narrator: (contd) Theyre looking forward to a long, friendly evening of competition, [The others who are smoking joints cough heavily and extinguish the joints in their ashtrays as the game commences] but theyve made one mistake: theyve been smoking marijuana.
[some laughter and a man in the live studio audience shouting, “All right!” can be heard as we dissolve to an over-the-shoulder shot of Man #1s hand of cards (an eight of spades, a seven of spades, a six of spades, a five of spades, and a four of clubs)]
Narrator: Because of marijuana [Man #1 takes a puff off his marijuana cigarette], this man thinks his four of clubs is a spade.
[Man #1 cracks up at his hand of cards. He exhales smoke and stubs out his joint, ready to ante up]
Man #1: [coughs and throws two chips in the center] Ill see your two. [cracks up and puts the rest of his chips in the center]: and raise you fifteen.
[The other players “Ooh!” in amazement, but the Female Poker Player isnt impressed]
Narrator: He thinks hes got a flush.
Female Poker Player: [puts her chips in the center] Okay, call!
Man #1: [pins down cards so the Female Poker Player can see them] A flush. Read em and weep!
Female Poker Player: [points to four of clubs in his hand of cards] That isnt a spade!
[Man #1 checks his hand. His face falls at the oversight and the resulting mistake]
Man #1: Oh no! [buries his face in his hands]
[dissolve to overhead shot of the five poker players]
Narrator: Hes cleaned out. Hell have to borrow to stay in the game, all thanks to pot.
[dissolve to over-the-shoulder shot of Janice, another female poker player, who has a royal straight flush (a ten, jack, queen, king, and ace of hearts). Zoom-in on Janices hand as Narrator continues]
Narrator: This woman has a royal straight flush, but shes so stoned, she thinks the queen is having an affair with the jack.
[dissolve from shot of Janices hand to Janice as she begins to hear voices coming from her cards. Her eyes dart around nervously as she listens in on the conversation]
Queen Card: [in a high, British accent] Psst, Jack, after this hand, meet me at the bottom of the deck.
Jack Card: [also in a high, British accent] But what about the king? Hes standing right next to you!
Queen Card: Dont worry. The old goat cant keep up. Well lose him in the shuffle!
[Pull back to two shot of Janice, still zoned out from smoking pot, and Man #2, who has noticed that Janice hasnt done anything]
Man #2: Come on, Janice, are you gonna open or what?
Everyone Else: Yeah, come on!
Janice: [dazed] Uh, no. Open? Oh, no, no, no. This is much too private. [puts cards face down on the poker table and turns away]
[Everyone else at the table groans. Dissolve to overhead shot of the five players]
Narrator: Shes so loaded, shes folding a royal straight flush–and she doesnt care!
[dissolve to Man #3, who, unlike the other stoned players looks a little too alert as he stares at his cards. The Female Poker Player deals him two more cards. He collects them]
Narrator: This man, drawing to a pair of nines with an ace kicker, didnt smoke marijuana. Instead, while his friends were spacing out, hed stay sharp and alert by drinking eight cups of coffee.
[Man #3 shows his hand of cards–a full house (a nine of diamonds, a nine of spades, an ace of clubs, an ace of spades, and an ace of diamons)–with a victorious smile on his face.]
Narrator: Wow! Hes filled out a full house. [Cut to close-up of the full house, followed by a three shot of Man #3 looking around to see if anyone can beat that]: Look at that hand. Thats the best hand hes had all night–but he played it much too soon
Female Poker Player: Misdeal!
Narrator: (contd) because hes wired from too much caffeine.
[Zoom out to a final overhead shot of the drugged-out players ending their poker game as everyone else grumbles over Man #3s winning hand and Man #3 drinks from his coffee mug]
[Orange SUPER: “Poker and Drugs Dont Mix” appear as the scene ends]
Narrator: Poker and drugs dont mix. If youre gonna get high, dont play cards. This has been a satire of a public service announcement.
[applause as we fade out]
Submitted by: Candy