SNL Transcripts: Jamie Lee Curtis: 12/13/80: Poker and Drugs Don’t Mix


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 4

80d: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley

Poker and Drugs Don’t Mix

Narrator/Voice of Jack Card…..Charles Rocket
Janice…..Ann Risley
Female Poker Player…..Denny Dillon
Man #1…..Matthew Laurence
Man #2…..Joe Piscopo
Man #3…..Gilbert Gottfried
Voice of Queen Card…..Gail Matthius

[Open on close-up of ten poker chips–one white, two blue, and seven red–in the middle of a green poker table while someone deals out cards]

Narrator: These young people are having a good time playing poker.

[Pull back to reveal three men and two women sitting around a poker table in the basement of a house, chatting over one another and smoking marijuana cigarettes, except for Man #3, who is drinking from a brown and white mug.]

Narrator: (cont’d) They’re looking forward to a long, friendly evening of competition, [The others who are smoking joints cough heavily and extinguish the joints in their ashtrays as the game commences] but they’ve made one mistake: they’ve been smoking marijuana.

[some laughter and a man in the live studio audience shouting, “All right!” can be heard as we dissolve to an over-the-shoulder shot of Man #1’s hand of cards (an eight of spades, a seven of spades, a six of spades, a five of spades, and a four of clubs)]

Narrator: Because of marijuana [Man #1 takes a puff off his marijuana cigarette], this man thinks his four of clubs is a spade.

[Man #1 cracks up at his hand of cards. He exhales smoke and stubs out his joint, ready to ante up]

Man #1: [coughs and throws two chips in the center] I’ll see your two. [cracks up and puts the rest of his chips in the center]: and raise you fifteen.

[The other players “Ooh!” in amazement, but the Female Poker Player isn’t impressed]

Narrator: He thinks he’s got a flush.

Female Poker Player: [puts her chips in the center] Okay, call!

Man #1: [pins down cards so the Female Poker Player can see them] A flush. Read ‘em and weep!

Female Poker Player: [points to four of clubs in his hand of cards] That isn’t a spade!

[Man #1 checks his hand. His face falls at the oversight and the resulting mistake]

Man #1: Oh no! [buries his face in his hands]

[dissolve to overhead shot of the five poker players]

Narrator: He’s cleaned out. He’ll have to borrow to stay in the game, all thanks to pot.

[dissolve to over-the-shoulder shot of Janice, another female poker player, who has a royal straight flush (a ten, jack, queen, king, and ace of hearts). Zoom-in on Janice’s hand as Narrator continues]

Narrator: This woman has a royal straight flush, but she’s so stoned, she thinks the queen is having an affair with the jack.

[dissolve from shot of Janice’s hand to Janice as she begins to hear voices coming from her cards. Her eyes dart around nervously as she listens in on the conversation]

Queen Card: [in a high, British accent] Psst, Jack, after this hand, meet me at the bottom of the deck.

Jack Card: [also in a high, British accent] But what about the king? He’s standing right next to you!

Queen Card: Don’t worry. The old goat can’t keep up. We’ll lose him in the shuffle!

[Pull back to two shot of Janice, still zoned out from smoking pot, and Man #2, who has noticed that Janice hasn’t done anything]

Man #2: Come on, Janice, are you gonna open or what?

Everyone Else: Yeah, come on!

Janice: [dazed] Uh, no. Open? Oh, no, no, no. This is much too private. [puts cards face down on the poker table and turns away]

[Everyone else at the table groans. Dissolve to overhead shot of the five players]

Narrator: She’s so loaded, she’s folding a royal straight flush–and she doesn’t care!

[dissolve to Man #3, who, unlike the other stoned players looks a little too alert as he stares at his cards. The Female Poker Player deals him two more cards. He collects them]

Narrator: This man, drawing to a pair of nines with an ace kicker, didn’t smoke marijuana. Instead, while his friends were spacing out, he’d stay sharp and alert by drinking eight cups of coffee.

[Man #3 shows his hand of cards–a full house (a nine of diamonds, a nine of spades, an ace of clubs, an ace of spades, and an ace of diamons)–with a victorious smile on his face.]

Narrator: Wow! He’s filled out a full house. [Cut to close-up of the full house, followed by a three shot of Man #3 looking around to see if anyone can beat that]: Look at that hand. That’s the best hand he’s had all night–but he played it much too soon…

Female Poker Player: Misdeal!

Narrator: (cont’d) …because he’s wired from too much caffeine.

[Zoom out to a final overhead shot of the drugged-out players ending their poker game as everyone else grumbles over Man #3’s winning hand and Man #3 drinks from his coffee mug]

[Orange SUPER: “Poker and Drugs Don’t Mix” appear as the scene ends]

Narrator: Poker and drugs don’t mix. If you’re gonna get high, don’t play cards. This has been a satire of a public service announcement.

[applause as we fade out]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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