SNL Transcripts: David Carradine: 12/20/80

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5


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December 20th, 1980

David Carradine

The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

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Andy Murphy

Neil Levy

Mitchell Kriegman
Joe’s Don Pardo ImpressionSummary: The voice of Don Pardo expresses his disapproval with Joe Piscopo’s hopes to replace him as SNL’s announcer.

Montage

David Carradine’s MonologueSummary: Charles Rocket gets a kung fu kick for trying to stop David Carradine from singing “I Wanna Be A Dancin’ Man” across grains of sand.

Gun CitySummary: A manic spokesman (Joe Piscopo) touts the last-minute Christmas firearms deals for the entire family.

Transcript

Kung Fu FashionsSummary: The black owner (Eddie Murphy) of a menswear shop gives traveling Caine (David Carradine) fashion advice.

Transcript

Valley Girls At The MallSummary: Valley girls Vickie (Gail Matthius) and Debbie (Denny Dillon) try to impress boys (Joe Piscopo, Charles Rocket) at the mall.

Recurring Characters: Vickie, Debbie.

Transcript

The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket covers the story of a derelict Santa Claus (Charles Rocket) who wanders the streets of New York in despair.

Recurring Characters: Santa Claus.

Transcript

Dylan & GuthrieSummary: Bob Dylan (Patrick Weathers) visits Woody Guthrie (David Carradine) in the hospital, and the two speak to one another via folksy song lyrics.

Recurring Characters: Bob Dylan.

Transcript

The Home Version of DallasSummary: Add a little excitement to your family’s strife by imitating the dysfunctional Ewing clan in the privacy of your home.

Transcript

“Mr. Bill’s Christmas Special”Summary: In a film by Walter Williams, Mr. Bill recalls painful holiday memories of Christmases past.

Transcript

Kung Fu ChristmasSummary: Caine (David Carradine) and a black Bruce Lee (Eddie Murphy) co-star in a new Christmas movie.

Weekend Update with Charles RocketSummary: While providing holiday do’s and don’ts, Ann Risley recommends including lard wrapped in plastic bags. Joe Piscopo silently comments on NBC Sports Executive Producer Don Ohlmeyer’s decision to run NFL broadcasts with on-screen statistics instead of using actual announcers.

Linda Ronstadt, Rex Smith, George Rose and the cast of “The Pirates of Penzance” perform a medley of songs from the musical

Heroin in HarlemSummary: Lt. Sam Cleveland (Eddie Murphy) gives rich white drug users (Joe Piscopo, Ann Risley, Charles Rocket) an authentic heroin experience in Harlem.

Transcript

The Virgin SearchSummary: A trio of NBC executives (Matthew Laurance, Mitchell Kriegman, Neil Levy) search the globe for a virgin, eventually crossing paths with Gail Matthius.

Transcript

Dopenhagen & Happy DazeSummary: Spokesperson (David Carradine) uses the product to stay smokeless and avoid lighting up.

Death of Colonel SandersSummary: Kentucky Fried Chicken diners (David Carradine, Denny Dillon, Eddie Murphy) eat fried chicken to mourn the passing of Colonel Sanders.

“The Dancing Man”Summary: In a film by Mitchell Kriegman, an ordinary man (Bill Irwin) can’t keep himself from dancing.

Transcript

Welfare CounselingSummary: welfare counselor (Denny Dillon) advises recipients Ms. Robley (Yvonne Hudson) and Caine (David Carradine) to take up prostitution.

Linda Ronstadt, Rex Smith, George Rose and the cast of “The Pirates of Penzance” perform a medley of Christmas carols

GoodnightsTranscript

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