Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 5
80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance
The Home Version of Dallas
Dad…..Joe Piscopo
Mom…..Gail Matthius
Daughter…..Denny Dillon
Spokesman…..Charles Rocket
[ open on suburban living room, Mom drinking on the couch as Dad storms into the room ]
Dad: Wha…? What, you’re DRUNK again! You’re JUST a LUSH!! Why, I oughtta…
Mom: [ rising slowly ] Well, you’re always hanging out with some two-bit SLUT!! [ they begin to scuffle ] Don’t touch me, I’ll kill you!!
[ Dad throws Mom down on the ocuch, as their Daughter runs into the room ]
Daughter: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I hate you BOTH!!
[ Mom backslaps Daughter and knocks her to the floor ]
[ dissolve to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: A typical evening at home? Not much fun, is it? But not any more! You’ve seen the TV show — now you can play the HOME vesion of “Dallas”! [ zoom out on product ] You’ll get hats, booze, wigs, and a cheap handgun — everything YOU need to play “Dallas” at home! Now, let’s see that scene again.
[ dissolve back to the living room, now featuring “Dallas” props ]
Dad: Sue Ellen! You’re DRUNK again! You’re JUST a LUSH!! Why, I oughtta…
Mom: [ rising slowly ] Ahhh, J.R., you’re always hanging out with some two-bit SLUT!! [ they begin to scuffle ] Don’t touch me, I’ll kill you!!
[ Dad throws Mom down on the couch, as their Daughter runs into the room ]
Daughter: [ tossing back her long, blonde wig hair ] SHUT UP! SHUT UP! J.R.! SUE ELLEN! I hate you BOTH!!
[ Mom backslaps Daughter and knocks her to the floor ]
[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Wooowwww!! What an adjustment! The argument is NOW exciting drama! If members of YOUR family are drunks, lechers, sleazebags, liars and sluts, wouldn’t you rather just think of them as The Ewings?! Well, now you CAN! With the home version of “Dallas”!
[ fade ]
