]]> 
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 5
80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance
Heroin in Harlem
Woman…..Gail Matthius
Man…..Charles Rocket
Peter…..Joe Piscopo
Bitsy…..Ann Risley
Pusher…..Eddie Murphy
[ open on heroin den, as two pairs of white couples enter the room ]
Woman: Isn’t this place the most!
Bitsy: Well, it does have a certain charm!
Man: Well, I figure if we’re gonna do heroin, we might as well do it up right. I mean, after all, everyobdy’s doing it at all the chic parties.
Woman: Yeah, but we’re doing it in Harlem! [ she guffaws ]
Bitsy: I wonder if this is the same place where the Kennedy kids get theirs?
Peter: Ohhh… I don’t know about this heroin business. Aren’t you afraid it will lead to harder stuff?
Man: Oh, come on, Peter! Don’t poop on the party! Geez! I mean, you’re probably the kind of guy who worries about dirty needles. Losen up, huh?
Peter: Why don’t we — why don’t we just do cocaine?
Woman: Oh, cocaine is so last year! Cocaine is like quiche! Heroin is like…
Man & Woman: Sushi!
[ suddenly, a Junkie emerges from a back room ]
Pusher: Yo, man! What y’all doin’ in here?!
Woman: Uh — we’re here to SCORE! You a pusher?
Pusher: [ he pops out his switchblade ] I’m gonna CUT your white skin! [ he presses the blade to her neck ]
Bitsy: Oh… my… God…
Woman: Bitsy, this is all the — all the thrills are part of the heroin experience! They’ll DIE downtown when they find out we were threatened by a BLACK junkie in Harlem! [ she guffaws ]
Man: Oh, hey — you wouldn’t mind if I took a picture of you threatening my wife, would you? [ he takes out his camera and takes a photograph ] Hold it right there! Gotcha! Alright!
Peter: Alright, we are here for a reason — let’s talk heroin. How much? [ he takes out a roll of bills ]
Pusher: Say what?!
Peter: Pal, I don’t like to haggle on a deal! I’m a bottom-line guy. so, what is it?
Pusher: Well… [ he takes the roll of bills ] that’d be fine, what you got there. Here you go. [ he drops a stash on the table ]
Peter: Hmm… [ he picks up the stash ]
Man: Hey, wait a minute — I mean, you’re gonna show us how to use it, aren’t you?
Pusher: You just COOK IT and SHOOT IT!
Woman: Euuggghhh… can’t you bake it in a brownie, or something?
Pusher: Do I look like the Pillsbury Doughboy to you?
Bitsy: Now, is this 100% pure heroin? ‘Cause I don’t want to put anything unnatural into my body.
Man: That’s a good point. Hey, uh, let’s just snort it here. [ he distributes the heroin ] Here’s some for you… soem for you… some for you… Okay, we’re gonna snort it, alright? Everybody together, at the same time? Alright, ready? 1… 2…
Pusher: Okay, FREEZE! [ he steps forward ] Lt. Sam Cleveland, Narcotics Squad!
Man: Oh, WOW! It’s a BUST!
[ the other pretend junkies step forward with handcuffs ]
Woman: Officer, you must be kidding! You’re not really gonna arrest us!
Pusher: BOOK ’em!
Woman: What?! Come on, this is SILLY! My husband’s a stockbroker, I sell antiques — do we look like criminals?
Pusher: Look — I am SICK AND TIRED of you junkies coming up and giving Harlem a bad name! You should have STAYED on Park Avenue where you belong! Now, let’s get out of here!
Woman: Oh, come on…
Man: At least let us get some pictures…
[ the officers lead the men and women away, as the scene fades ]
