SNL Transcripts: David Carradine: 12/20/80: Heroin in Harlem



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

Heroin in Harlem

Woman…..Gail Matthius
Man…..Charles Rocket
Peter…..Joe Piscopo
Bitsy…..Ann Risley
Pusher…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on heroin den, as two pairs of white couples enter the room ]

Woman: Isn’t this place the most!

Bitsy: Well, it does have a certain charm!

Man: Well, I figure if we’re gonna do heroin, we might as well do it up right. I mean, after all, everyobdy’s doing it at all the chic parties.

Woman: Yeah, but we’re doing it in Harlem! [ she guffaws ]

Bitsy: I wonder if this is the same place where the Kennedy kids get theirs?

Peter: Ohhh… I don’t know about this heroin business. Aren’t you afraid it will lead to harder stuff?

Man: Oh, come on, Peter! Don’t poop on the party! Geez! I mean, you’re probably the kind of guy who worries about dirty needles. Losen up, huh?

Peter: Why don’t we — why don’t we just do cocaine?

Woman: Oh, cocaine is so last year! Cocaine is like quiche! Heroin is like…

Man & Woman: Sushi!

[ suddenly, a Junkie emerges from a back room ]

Pusher: Yo, man! What y’all doin’ in here?!

Woman: Uh — we’re here to SCORE! You a pusher?

Pusher: [ he pops out his switchblade ] I’m gonna CUT your white skin! [ he presses the blade to her neck ]

Bitsy: Oh… my… God…

Woman: Bitsy, this is all the — all the thrills are part of the heroin experience! They’ll DIE downtown when they find out we were threatened by a BLACK junkie in Harlem! [ she guffaws ]

Man: Oh, hey — you wouldn’t mind if I took a picture of you threatening my wife, would you? [ he takes out his camera and takes a photograph ] Hold it right there! Gotcha! Alright!

Peter: Alright, we are here for a reason — let’s talk heroin. How much? [ he takes out a roll of bills ]

Pusher: Say what?!

Peter: Pal, I don’t like to haggle on a deal! I’m a bottom-line guy. so, what is it?

Pusher: Well… [ he takes the roll of bills ] that’d be fine, what you got there. Here you go. [ he drops a stash on the table ]

Peter: Hmm… [ he picks up the stash ]

Man: Hey, wait a minute — I mean, you’re gonna show us how to use it, aren’t you?

Pusher: You just COOK IT and SHOOT IT!

Woman: Euuggghhh… can’t you bake it in a brownie, or something?

Pusher: Do I look like the Pillsbury Doughboy to you?

Bitsy: Now, is this 100% pure heroin? ‘Cause I don’t want to put anything unnatural into my body.

Man: That’s a good point. Hey, uh, let’s just snort it here. [ he distributes the heroin ] Here’s some for you… soem for you… some for you… Okay, we’re gonna snort it, alright? Everybody together, at the same time? Alright, ready? 1… 2…

Pusher: Okay, FREEZE! [ he steps forward ] Lt. Sam Cleveland, Narcotics Squad!

Man: Oh, WOW! It’s a BUST!

[ the other pretend junkies step forward with handcuffs ]

Woman: Officer, you must be kidding! You’re not really gonna arrest us!

Pusher: BOOK ’em!

Woman: What?! Come on, this is SILLY! My husband’s a stockbroker, I sell antiques — do we look like criminals?

Pusher: Look — I am SICK AND TIRED of you junkies coming up and giving Harlem a bad name! You should have STAYED on Park Avenue where you belong! Now, let’s get out of here!

Woman: Oh, come on…

Man: At least let us get some pictures…

[ the officers lead the men and women away, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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