SNL Transcripts: David Carradine: 12/20/80: Kung Fu Fashions



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

Kung Fu Fashions

Owner…..Eddie Murphy
Caine…..David Carradine
Master…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open up on black menswear shop, as a customer checks himself in a mirror ]

Owner: You like that, don’t you?

Customer: LOVE it, man!

Owner: You look GOOD, man!

Customer: Thank you, Brother! Thank you!

Owner: I’m tellin’ you, man — you looking’ respectable now, I tell you!

Customer: You got it!

Owner: Now, don’t you be tellin’ nobody about them discounts I give you now!

Customer: That’s cool, baby.

Owner: That’s cool!

Customer: I’ll be back next Friday, just so you know.

Owner: Okay!

Customer: I appreciate what you doing for me.

Owner: Believe me, I’ll check you — hey, man, don’t forget your skilly now!

[ the customer grabs his hat and heads for the door, as Caine appears in the doorway ]

Customer: Watch where you GOING, man!

Caine: Uh, excuse me. The path is often narrow.

Customer: Sorry, man.

Caine: I seek water.

Customer: Well… when you FIND it, I hope you take a BATH in it!

[ he exits the shop ]

Owner: Say-hey, my man! What can I do you!

Caine: Uh — I have wandered far. My thirst is great. I seek water.

Owner: Water? Water? Man, you would have NO trouble finding something to drink if you were DRESSED right!

Caine: [ looking at his clothes ] A man’s soul is clothed in the remnants of his deeds.

Owner: Hey, man, look — there ain’t NO soul in looking thread-bare and funky! [ he removes Caine’s hat ] Now, take this stuff off. But you DO look funky, let me tell you. I don’t know what this is you got on. You must have been walking a long ways! Take this off, now. [ he reaches over to a rack ] Check this here out — Mohair! It’s got elastic armpits… a place for the stash over here. Check it out, man! When’s payday?

Caine: What’s “payday”?

Owner: You know — Payday! From work! Ohhh, I gets it — you a PLAYER!

Caine: Yes! I am the archer and the target… the pitcher and the catcher… the spectator in the stands. Sometimes, I sell the hot dogs.

Owner: Well, look, my man — you gonna play, you got to play for KEEPS! Now, you got to play in STYLE! [ he holds the jacet open for the timid Caine ] Go on, put it on!

Caine: Huh?

Owner: Put it on! It ain’t gonna hurt you! You looking — put that bag DOWN! You a tacky-looking white dude, let me tell you that!

[ Caine puts the jacket on, then wraps his satchel over it ]

Owner: Now, check this out — [ he places a hat on Caine’s head ] Simulated cheetah! You be turning heads and breaking necks with THAT hat, my man! Come on, take a look at yourself in the glass! You looking good!

Caine: I seek water.

Owner: Yeah, water, right. Just look at yourself in the mirror! You looking VICIOUS! Ha ha! Yeah.

[ Caine poses in front of the mirror, until the image of his Master appears ]

Master: Be not seduced by the allure of fine menswear, Grasshopper. For, with each season, fashions change. Trust not your fate to gay Italians, Grasshopper.

Caine: But, Master — where the peacocks gather, is not a gray sparrow made to eat at the small card table?

Owner: Say, I don’t even KNOW the dude, man!

Master: Is it clothes you seek, Grasshopper, or the approval of other men? Roll that around in your peabrain for a while!

Caine: Master! I wish to ask you one more thing!

Owner: Go ahead, Brother — I’m all ears!

Caine: Why do you call me “Grasshopper”?

Owner: Who called you “Grasshopper”?

Master: I call you “Grasshopper”, because you are ugly like insect.

[ Caine’s Master fades away ]

Caine: But, Master! I thought you were blind?

Owner: I’m not blind! I’m BLACK! And I ain’t called you no Grasshopper, neither! Now, look here, my — [ Caine twists around and karate chops at the Owner ] Say, be chilling, now! Don’t be hopping ’round the store! Come over here! I want you to check out this righteous walking stick! [ he holds up a walking stick ]

Caine: I cannot wear your jacket or walk your stick.

Owner: What’s wrong, man? That jacket fits PERFECT!

Caine: It fits the body, but not the… heart.

Owner: Oh, it’s tight around the chest? Well, let me customize it for you. I’ll put a little seam up under it. [ he holds a pair of scissors to the back of the jacket, as Caine jumps ] Hold still, now! I ain’t gonna cut you now. Y’all come over here, y’all get all scared — we ain’t gonna hurt you! [ he cuts a seam into the back of the jacket ] Here we go. You looking good! Go on, try it out now.

Caine: Soul and priest fears nothing.

[ Caine stands before the mirror once again and poses ]

Owner: Lord have mercy!

[ the image of Caine’s Master reappears in the mirror ]

Master: The man of the spirit wears not the clothes of the pimp!

[ Caine’s Master fades away ]

Caine: [ removing the jacket ] I cannot wear your jacket!

Owner: Say, but, hey — I CUSTOMIZED it! When I customize something, it’s SOLD! A SALE! Ffity dollars!

Caine: [ he shrugs ] I have no money.

Owner: You ain’t got no — well, then, you in TROUBLE, my man! You got some RINGS or something? What you got in the BAG over there?!

Caine: Only what a disciple needs.

Owner: [ confused ] I thought you was a player?

[ music stings ]

Caine: I am a wanderer. My name is Caine. [ he pauses ] They used to call me “Grasshopper”.

Owner: Oh, yeah?

Caine: Well… now, I must destroy your store.

Owner: Say what?!

[ Caine strikes martial arts poses ]

Caine: It’s what I do best.

Owner: Say, man — you been smoking DUST or something?!

Caine: Don’t worry, don’t worry… I do it in slow-motion.

Owner: Man, what’s wrong with you? You out your mind or —

[ Caine throws up his leg and karate kicks a display to the ground ] [ the Owner quickly dials the phone, as Caine proceeds to destroy the store with his hands and feet ]

Owner: Say, POLICE?! I got a guy here tearing up the place! Yeah, he a BUM! A WHITE dude! I think he been smoking DUST! Used to be the GRASSHOPPER!

[ the band plays “Pick Up The Pieces”, as the camera pans out, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Babes In Thailand” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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