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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 5
80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance
Kung Fu Fashions
Owner…..Eddie Murphy
Customer…..??
Caine…..David Carradine
Master…..Gilbert Gottfried
[ open up on black menswear shop, as a customer checks himself in a mirror ]
Owner: You like that, don’t you?
Customer: LOVE it, man!
Owner: You look GOOD, man!
Customer: Thank you, Brother! Thank you!
Owner: I’m tellin’ you, man — you looking’ respectable now, I tell you!
Customer: You got it!
Owner: Now, don’t you be tellin’ nobody about them discounts I give you now!
Customer: That’s cool, baby.
Owner: That’s cool!
Customer: I’ll be back next Friday, just so you know.
Owner: Okay!
Customer: I appreciate what you doing for me.
Owner: Believe me, I’ll check you — hey, man, don’t forget your skilly now!
[ the customer grabs his hat and heads for the door, as Caine appears in the doorway ]
Customer: Watch where you GOING, man!
Caine: Uh, excuse me. The path is often narrow.
Customer: Sorry, man.
Caine: I seek water.
Customer: Well… when you FIND it, I hope you take a BATH in it!
[ he exits the shop ]
Owner: Say-hey, my man! What can I do you!
Caine: Uh — I have wandered far. My thirst is great. I seek water.
Owner: Water? Water? Man, you would have NO trouble finding something to drink if you were DRESSED right!
Caine: [ looking at his clothes ] A man’s soul is clothed in the remnants of his deeds.
Owner: Hey, man, look — there ain’t NO soul in looking thread-bare and funky! [ he removes Caine’s hat ] Now, take this stuff off. But you DO look funky, let me tell you. I don’t know what this is you got on. You must have been walking a long ways! Take this off, now. [ he reaches over to a rack ] Check this here out — Mohair! It’s got elastic armpits… a place for the stash over here. Check it out, man! When’s payday?
Caine: What’s “payday”?
Owner: You know — Payday! From work! Ohhh, I gets it — you a PLAYER!
Caine: Yes! I am the archer and the target… the pitcher and the catcher… the spectator in the stands. Sometimes, I sell the hot dogs.
Owner: Well, look, my man — you gonna play, you got to play for KEEPS! Now, you got to play in STYLE! [ he holds the jacet open for the timid Caine ] Go on, put it on!
Caine: Huh?
Owner: Put it on! It ain’t gonna hurt you! You looking — put that bag DOWN! You a tacky-looking white dude, let me tell you that!
[ Caine puts the jacket on, then wraps his satchel over it ]
Owner: Now, check this out — [ he places a hat on Caine’s head ] Simulated cheetah! You be turning heads and breaking necks with THAT hat, my man! Come on, take a look at yourself in the glass! You looking good!
Caine: I seek water.
Owner: Yeah, water, right. Just look at yourself in the mirror! You looking VICIOUS! Ha ha! Yeah.
[ Caine poses in front of the mirror, until the image of his Master appears ]
Master: Be not seduced by the allure of fine menswear, Grasshopper. For, with each season, fashions change. Trust not your fate to gay Italians, Grasshopper.
Caine: But, Master — where the peacocks gather, is not a gray sparrow made to eat at the small card table?
Owner: Say, I don’t even KNOW the dude, man!
Master: Is it clothes you seek, Grasshopper, or the approval of other men? Roll that around in your peabrain for a while!
Caine: Master! I wish to ask you one more thing!
Owner: Go ahead, Brother — I’m all ears!
Caine: Why do you call me “Grasshopper”?
Owner: Who called you “Grasshopper”?
Master: I call you “Grasshopper”, because you are ugly like insect.
[ Caine’s Master fades away ]
Caine: But, Master! I thought you were blind?
Owner: I’m not blind! I’m BLACK! And I ain’t called you no Grasshopper, neither! Now, look here, my — [ Caine twists around and karate chops at the Owner ] Say, be chilling, now! Don’t be hopping ’round the store! Come over here! I want you to check out this righteous walking stick! [ he holds up a walking stick ]
Caine: I cannot wear your jacket or walk your stick.
Owner: What’s wrong, man? That jacket fits PERFECT!
Caine: It fits the body, but not the… heart.
Owner: Oh, it’s tight around the chest? Well, let me customize it for you. I’ll put a little seam up under it. [ he holds a pair of scissors to the back of the jacket, as Caine jumps ] Hold still, now! I ain’t gonna cut you now. Y’all come over here, y’all get all scared — we ain’t gonna hurt you! [ he cuts a seam into the back of the jacket ] Here we go. You looking good! Go on, try it out now.
Caine: Soul and priest fears nothing.
[ Caine stands before the mirror once again and poses ]
Owner: Lord have mercy!
[ the image of Caine’s Master reappears in the mirror ]
Master: The man of the spirit wears not the clothes of the pimp!
[ Caine’s Master fades away ]
Caine: [ removing the jacket ] I cannot wear your jacket!
Owner: Say, but, hey — I CUSTOMIZED it! When I customize something, it’s SOLD! A SALE! Ffity dollars!
Caine: [ he shrugs ] I have no money.
Owner: You ain’t got no — well, then, you in TROUBLE, my man! You got some RINGS or something? What you got in the BAG over there?!
Caine: Only what a disciple needs.
Owner: [ confused ] I thought you was a player?
[ music stings ]
Caine: I am a wanderer. My name is Caine. [ he pauses ] They used to call me “Grasshopper”.
Owner: Oh, yeah?
Caine: Well… now, I must destroy your store.
Owner: Say what?!
[ Caine strikes martial arts poses ]
Caine: It’s what I do best.
Owner: Say, man — you been smoking DUST or something?!
Caine: Don’t worry, don’t worry… I do it in slow-motion.
Owner: Man, what’s wrong with you? You out your mind or —
[ Caine throws up his leg and karate kicks a display to the ground ]
[ the Owner quickly dials the phone, as Caine proceeds to destroy the store with his hands and feet ]
Owner: Say, POLICE?! I got a guy here tearing up the place! Yeah, he a BUM! A WHITE dude! I think he been smoking DUST! Used to be the GRASSHOPPER!
[ the band plays “Pick Up The Pieces”, as the camera pans out, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Babes In Thailand” ]
[ fade ]