SNL Transcripts: David Carradine: 12/20/80: Mr. Bill’s Christmas Special


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

Mr. Bill’s Christmas Special

(A Christmas wreath is displayed with a message inside.)

Mr. Hands V/O: Mr. Bill, Miss Sally and Spot would like to cordially invite all you kiddies to spend Christmas Eve with us.

(Cut to Mr. Bill, Miss Sally and Spot standing out in the middle of a snowstorm with a fire barrel to keep them warm.)

Mr. Bill: Oh hey kids. Gee, I’m sorry we don’t have a better place to do our Christmas show from. We’ve had some hard times lately and.

(Spot barks)

Mr. Bill: Yeah and we haven’t had much to eat and it’s been real cold. But don’t worry kids because we’re still going to have a really merry Christmas. Yay! You know, Christmas hasn’t always been this bad. Why in fact Miss Sally, I can still remember my first Christmas when Santa came and he brought some Christmas presents and toys. Oh boy. Oh.

(Cut to the Bill’s house set up for Christmas with Mr. Bill as a baby in his crib with his mother watching him.)

Mr. Hands: (Deep voice) Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Baby Billy: Santa. Oh.

Mr. Hands: That’s right Billy. It’s Santa Sluggo and he says to hand our Christmas stockings high so we he can build them with plenty of Christmas treats (Places Spot’s stocking high on the wall)

Mom: Oh why don’t you leave Billy alone? We were having a nice Christmas. (Mr. Hands takes a huge bag and starts dumping the contents into the stocking) Oh wait, Spot’s under the stocking! Don’t fill it! Be careful Spot!(The stocking collapses on top of Spot. Mr. Hands dumps the rest of the bag on top of Spot) Oh no! Spot!

Mr. Hands: And say! Santa’s giving Billy a new train set. (Places a train track under Baby Billy’s crib.)

Mom: Leave Billy alone! (The toy train comes and knocks over Baby Billy and his mom.)

Mr. Bill V/O: Gee that was a terrible Christmas. But you know, I can remember the first Christmas I was able to help trim the Christmas tree. Oh yeah, that was good.)

(Billy is a toddler now in his playpen)

Mr. Hands: (Places a Sluggo in a Box with Spot on top of it) Say Billy. First we’ll need a star for our Christmas tree. Let’s see if Mr. Sluggo knows where we can get one.

Billy: Okay. (Mr. Hands turns the crank of the box. Sluggo pops up and sends Spot into the ceiling in the shape of a star.)

Mr. Hands: Oh Spot would make a great star. (Places Spot on top of the tree.)

Billy: Oh poor Spot. Oh why don’t you leave the poor little dog alone huh Mr. Hands?

Mr. Hands: Say Billy, could you help me string this popcorn?

Billy: Well okay but… (Mr. Hands uses the pin to stick the popcorn through Billy’s hand) Oh no! Don’t stick that! No wait stop no, Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Okay, now we’ll hang it on the tree (Wraps the popcorn and Billy on the tree.)

Billy: Oh I don’t like trimming the Christmas tree. Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: But Billy, you make such a great looking ornament.

Billy: Oh Mr. Hands. Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: There, isn’t that nice?

Billy: I don’t like it!

Mr. Hands: Okay, now I’ll light the tree. (Uses a lighter to set the Christmas tree on fire.)

Billy: No don’t do that! Oh no! (Falls off the tree)

Mr. Bill V/O: Oh gee and the next Christmas, I got my first sled.

(Cut to Billy sitting on his sled on top of a rocky mountain.)

Mr. Hands: Say Billy. How about a sleigh ride down the mountain?

Billy: No, but it didn’t snow this Christmas! No, leave me alone Mr. Hands!

Mr. Hands: Race you downhill! (pushes the sled down the jagged rocky mountain.)

Billy: Oh noooo! Oh noooooooo!

(Cut to an ice skating rink with Spot in it)

Mr. Bill V/O: Gee and the next Christmas, Spot got a pair of ice skates.

(An ice skate falls and slices Spot.)

Mr. Bill V/O: And soon I was old enough to get my first bike.

(Cut to a bicycle)

Mr. Hands: (placing Billy on the handle bars) Say Billy, why don’t you hop up on the handle bars? And I’ll give you a ride on your new bike (Starts pushing the bike)Billy: No, but I can’t hold on. I’m too young to ride (Falls off and gets chopped up inside the wheel) No wait, Ohhhhhhhh!

(Cut back to present day)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhh!

Miss Sally: But, Mr. Bill, this isn’t such a bad Christmas after all.

Mr. Bill: You know, that’s right Miss Sally. At least we all have each other. Yay! Merry Christmas everybody! Miss Sally: Merry Christmas!

(Spot barks)

Mr. Bill: Yay! and a Happy New Year! Everybody! See you next year! Yay! Bye Bye! Yay!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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