Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 5
The Rocket Report
[ open on title card ]
Announcer: Here now, “The Rocket Report”.
[ dissolve to outdoor Christmas setting, as Charles Rocket steps forward ]
Charles Rocket: Christmastime. Such a WONDERFUL time. Hi! Charles Rocket, in New York City! And I can’t think of a better place to be at Christmastime. Just take a look — the decorations, the excitement, the shopping, the shoppers, the stores! It’s just Christmas spirit… MAGNUM!
Well, I can’t think of anybody I’d much rather share the Christmas spirit with than… Old Saint Nick himself — Santa Claus! Too bad he can’t be here in New York to share all this Christmas spirit. But he’s too busy. What do you think he’s doing right now?
[ dissolve to Santa Claud drinking from a bottle on a corner of Times Square ]
Charles Rocket V/O: I’ll bet he’s up at the North Pole reading all the children’s letters, furiously trying to decide how many toys he can build and how much time it’s gonna take him.
[ cut to Santa Claus staggering in the middle of traffic to cross the street, as vehicles honk at him ]
Charles Rocket V/O: The elves are all pitching in, Mrs. Claus is baking cookies in the Claus home, and all the elves are running in out of the cold to get some cookies and some warm soup. How does he do it?
[ cut to Santa Claus digging through garbage on the sidewalk ]
Charles Rocket V/O: You know, he’s never asked anybody for any donatinos of any kind. Instead, he’s managed to come through every year, though he has nothing more than his dedication to children as his only means of support.
[ cut to Santa Claus looking in a shop window ]
Charles Rocket V/O: I think it’s wonderful that a guy would work so hard against ALL odds to take on a task so… SO enormous. And he always seems to come up with JUST the right kind of ideas for gifts for girls and boys, all over the world.
[ return to Charles Rocket ]
Charles Rocket: And… how does he know which girls are naughty and which girls are nice?
[ cut to Santa Claus propositioning women as they walk along the sidewalk ]
Charles Rocket V/O: Well, apparently, he has some secret system, whereby he simply reaches out and, as it were, comes up with the right answer each and every time, never missing a trick.
[ cut to Santa Claus lighting up on the sidewalk with help from a fellow passerby, then choking on the smoke ]
Charles Rocket V/O: And what does he do when he runs out of ideas? where does he get his inspiration? Now, I wouldn’t be surprised if, like a lot of us, he just gets CAUGHT UP in the spirit of things and just wants to, well, do anything he can just to make Christmas the special time of year that it is.
[ cut to Santa Claus stumbling down the stairs of a strip club and walking down the sidewalk ]
Charles Rocket V/O: Can you imagine what it mustb e like when Santa comes down the stairs after a warm and wonderful night with Mrs. Claus, and steps outside knowing he’s about to fulfill everyone’s msot important dreams and fantasies.
[ cut to Santa Claus urinating on the side of a building ]
Charles Rocket V/O: Always right there, where and when we want him.
[ return to Charles Rocket ]
Charles Rocket: Santa Claus! Truly a HECK of a guy with a HECK of a job, who really comes through in a HECK of a way each year after year. He sees the whole world in just one night. A guy who’s definitely as special as that needs… a kind of special love and affection that only we can seem to conjure up at Christmastime. But at least we’re capable of it. We do come through each time, every time, this time of year. I’m Chales Rocket! Christmastime in New York City! We’ll see you again some other time.
[ fade ]