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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 5
80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance
Valley Girls At The Mall
Vickie…..Gail Matthius
Debbie…..Denny Dillon
Steve…..Joe Piscopo
Randy…..Charles Rocket
[ open on exterior, Cedar Mall during Christmas shopping ]
[ Valley girls Vickie and Debbie carry their bags and popcorn to a planter at the center of the scene, and sit ]
Vickie: [ she sighs ] I am Miss BORED City of 1980! What time is it?
Debbie: Well, it’s two, now. I mean, we’ve already been here four hours, but my mother’s not picking us up ’til 5:30.
Vickie: MY GOD!! We’ve done everything there is to DO at this STUPID MALL! God, I’m BORED to the MAX!
Debbie: We could go back to Hutton’s and try on the make-up at the counter?
Vickie: No WAY! I was just in there, and I was trying on some eye shadow, you know, and stuff? And, um, the lady comes up to me and goes, [ mimicking with a high-pitched squeal ] “May I help you?” [ rolls her eyes ] RUDE CITY! I told her to bite the bag, and left.
So, uh… are the guys gonna meet us here or what?
Vickie: My God! Ask me, I’m sure, I don’t know. Well, Steve says… that Randy and he are coming here… and I go that we were coming here, too, and so that maybe they could see us. And then, Steve goes, “Okay.” And then, Randy goes, “Okay.” And then, I go, “Yeah.” And then, he goes, “Bye.” And then, I go, “Bye.” And he goes, “See ya’!” [ she laughs ] God! I almost DIED! I love it.
Debbie: [ excited ] Is this like a date, or what?
Vickie: I don’t know! But DON’T leave me alone with Steve, because he is SUCH a pervert. It’s Rape City. [ changing the subject ] What’d you buy?
Debbie: Oh… well, I got, like, you know, like, a candle for my sister? And then, like, I got some incense for my cousin in Cleveland…
Vickie: [ looking behind them ] Oh, don’t — don’t move! ‘Cause I think I see them. [ she looks again ] I DO! Oh, GOD, I’m so nervous!
Debbie: Are they coming over?
Vickie: [ whispering ] Yeah, they’re right here, shut up!
[ Steve and Randy approach ]
Steve: [ sitting on the edge of the planter ] Hi.
Vickie: [ in a more grown-up voice ] Hi, Steve.
Randy: WAIT! [ he runs across the floor, performs a jump-shot and slams his beer can into a garbage can ] TWOOO!! [ he swaps a cool handshake with Steve ]
Steve: [ to the girls ] So, uhhh… what’s happening?
[ Debbie giggles uncontrollably ]
Vickie: Well, we’ve just been all around, you know, shopping and some junk! And watching all the WEIRDOS come to the mall! [ she laughs ]
Debbie: Like this guy we saw at McDonlad’s! [ she laughs ]
Vickie: He was SO gross! [ she laughs ] And then Debbie starting laughing so hard that — [ she cracks up laughing ] root beer starting coming out her nose! God! I couldn’t believe you did it! That was so FAKE! God! Debbie! Stop being so quirky! God! [ she controls her laughter ] So, anyway — um, um, um —
Debbie: Then we practically got thrown out of Woolworth’s! They thought we were mental cases! [ she laughs ]
Vickie: Shut UP, Debbie! I’m sure! In the bag! So, um — skank! So, um — what do you guys wanna do?
Steve: Uh… we were just thinking of doing some, uh, Space Invaders.
[ Randy imitates the Space Invaders sound effects, cracking the girls up ]
Vickie: God, shut up!
Steve: [ standing ] Take it easy.
[ Steve and Randy exit and head for the arcade ]
Vickie: See? I told you he liked you!
Debbie: Well, he didn’t even say anything.
Vickie: He never DOES!
Debbie: You think he’ll call me?
Vickie: Oh, for sure! But you GOTTA write down a whole bunch of junk on a piece of paper and stuff, ’cause he doesn’t talk on the phone, either, and, like, you’ll probably have to do it ALL yourself. It’s really sad.
Debbie: Why were they acting so weird?
Vickie: They ACT that way around GIRLS, ’cause at our age, girls are TEN TIMES more mature than they are! They act so STUPID! But they can’t — they can’t help it!
Debbie: Yeah, that’s why I think we ought to go to Votech and meet some of those college guys.
Vickie: [ aghast ] THEY act like that, TOO! I swear — ALL guys, except for dads, act that way! I’m serious.
[ they exit the mall ]
[ fade ]
