SNL Transcripts: David Carradine: 12/20/80: Valley Girls At The Mall



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

Valley Girls At The Mall

Vickie…..Gail Matthius
Debbie…..Denny Dillon
Steve…..Joe Piscopo
Randy…..Charles Rocket

[ open on exterior, Cedar Mall during Christmas shopping ] [ Valley girls Vickie and Debbie carry their bags and popcorn to a planter at the center of the scene, and sit ]

Vickie: [ she sighs ] I am Miss BORED City of 1980! What time is it?

Debbie: Well, it’s two, now. I mean, we’ve already been here four hours, but my mother’s not picking us up ’til 5:30.

Vickie: MY GOD!! We’ve done everything there is to DO at this STUPID MALL! God, I’m BORED to the MAX!

Debbie: We could go back to Hutton’s and try on the make-up at the counter?

Vickie: No WAY! I was just in there, and I was trying on some eye shadow, you know, and stuff? And, um, the lady comes up to me and goes, [ mimicking with a high-pitched squeal ] “May I help you?” [ rolls her eyes ] RUDE CITY! I told her to bite the bag, and left.

So, uh… are the guys gonna meet us here or what?

Vickie: My God! Ask me, I’m sure, I don’t know. Well, Steve says… that Randy and he are coming here… and I go that we were coming here, too, and so that maybe they could see us. And then, Steve goes, “Okay.” And then, Randy goes, “Okay.” And then, I go, “Yeah.” And then, he goes, “Bye.” And then, I go, “Bye.” And he goes, “See ya’!” [ she laughs ] God! I almost DIED! I love it.

Debbie: [ excited ] Is this like a date, or what?

Vickie: I don’t know! But DON’T leave me alone with Steve, because he is SUCH a pervert. It’s Rape City. [ changing the subject ] What’d you buy?

Debbie: Oh… well, I got, like, you know, like, a candle for my sister? And then, like, I got some incense for my cousin in Cleveland…

Vickie: [ looking behind them ] Oh, don’t — don’t move! ‘Cause I think I see them. [ she looks again ] I DO! Oh, GOD, I’m so nervous!

Debbie: Are they coming over?

Vickie: [ whispering ] Yeah, they’re right here, shut up!

[ Steve and Randy approach ]

Steve: [ sitting on the edge of the planter ] Hi.

Vickie: [ in a more grown-up voice ] Hi, Steve.

Randy: WAIT! [ he runs across the floor, performs a jump-shot and slams his beer can into a garbage can ] TWOOO!! [ he swaps a cool handshake with Steve ]

Steve: [ to the girls ] So, uhhh… what’s happening?

[ Debbie giggles uncontrollably ]

Vickie: Well, we’ve just been all around, you know, shopping and some junk! And watching all the WEIRDOS come to the mall! [ she laughs ]

Debbie: Like this guy we saw at McDonlad’s! [ she laughs ]

Vickie: He was SO gross! [ she laughs ] And then Debbie starting laughing so hard that — [ she cracks up laughing ] root beer starting coming out her nose! God! I couldn’t believe you did it! That was so FAKE! God! Debbie! Stop being so quirky! God! [ she controls her laughter ] So, anyway — um, um, um —

Debbie: Then we practically got thrown out of Woolworth’s! They thought we were mental cases! [ she laughs ]

Vickie: Shut UP, Debbie! I’m sure! In the bag! So, um — skank! So, um — what do you guys wanna do?

Steve: Uh… we were just thinking of doing some, uh, Space Invaders.

[ Randy imitates the Space Invaders sound effects, cracking the girls up ]

Vickie: God, shut up!

Steve: [ standing ] Take it easy.

[ Steve and Randy exit and head for the arcade ]

Vickie: See? I told you he liked you!

Debbie: Well, he didn’t even say anything.

Vickie: He never DOES!

Debbie: You think he’ll call me?

Vickie: Oh, for sure! But you GOTTA write down a whole bunch of junk on a piece of paper and stuff, ’cause he doesn’t talk on the phone, either, and, like, you’ll probably have to do it ALL yourself. It’s really sad.

Debbie: Why were they acting so weird?

Vickie: They ACT that way around GIRLS, ’cause at our age, girls are TEN TIMES more mature than they are! They act so STUPID! But they can’t — they can’t help it!

Debbie: Yeah, that’s why I think we ought to go to Votech and meet some of those college guys.

Vickie: [ aghast ] THEY act like that, TOO! I swear — ALL guys, except for dads, act that way! I’m serious.

[ they exit the mall ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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