SNL Transcripts: David Carradine: 12/20/80: The Virgin Search


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

The Virgin Search

Head NBC Executive…..??
NBC Executive #1…..Matthew Laurance
NBC Executive #2…..Mitchell Kriegman
NBC Executive #3…..Neil Levy
Deborah Lynn Faulkner / French girl / Nun / herself…..Gail Matthius

[ open on exterior, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, with the theme from “Network” playing ] [ dissolve to NBC executives entering the head executive’s office ]

Head NBC Executive: You know what I have here, team? A software printout from our in-depth hardware research.

NBC Executive #2: Fabulous!

NBC Executive #1: Perfect! Great! Terrific!

Head NBC Executive: Now, cool it. Now, cool it. Here she is: Sophisticated, yet naive.

NBC Executive #1: Naive! Naive!

Head NBC Executive: Typical, yet unique in a girl-next-door kind of way.

NBC Executive #1: Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!

Head NBC Executive: Your job, team —

NBC Executive #1: Uh-huh?

Head NBC Executive: Go out and FIND her.

NBC Executive #1: No problem!

[ the executives stand so start their mission ]

Head NBC Executive: One other thing!

[ they sit ]

Head NBC Executive: She’s gotta be a virgin.

NBC Executive #2: A virgin?

[ dissolve to Anytown, U.S.A., during high school footgame ] [ the executives spot a cheerleader jumping on the field ]

NBC Executive #1: That’s her! Hold on to these [ he hands his fellow executive a pair of binoculars and begins to climb through the crowd ] Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!

[ the executive jumps the stands onto the field and approaches the cheerleader ]

NBC Executive #1: Miss Deborah Lynn Faulkner?

Deborah Lynn Faulkner: Ah sure am!

NBC Executive #1: I’m with the NBC Company, and I’m in power to offer you a contract with “Saturday Night Live.” Are you a fan of the show?

Deborah Lynn Faulkner: Ah sure am!

NBC Executive #1: Great! There’s just one thing. Uh, you are a virgin, aren’t you?

Deborah Lynn Faulkner: [ excited ] I sure — [ realizes she’s not, tries to cover herself ] I — [ NBC Executive turns away ] Wait!

[ dissolve to Paris, France ] [ the executives sit at an outdoor cafe as a group of schoolchildren pass by ]

NBC Executive #1: [ he approaches a young French girl ] Uh — Mademoiselle? Uh — excuse moi, uh — uh — parlez-vous English? Anglais?

French Girl: Oui, Monsieur.

NBC Executive #1: Uh — uh — Êtes-vous une… une… a virgin?

French Girl: Qu’est-ce que virgin?

NBC Executive #1: [ to his fellow executives ] How do you say “virgin”?

NBC Executive #2: [ looking it up ] Vierge. Vierge.

NBC Executive #1: [ to the French girl ] Un vierge?

French Girl: [ giggling ] Uh, no, Monsieur! Monsieur Roman Polanski et moi! [ she laughs and runs off ] [ dissolve to Rome, Italy ] [ a group of nuns walk through a conservatory ]

NBC Executive #1: Uh — uh — Sister? May I speak with you for just a minute? Uh — how would you like to be a big, American TV star? Uh — big bucks! Pictures for People magazine! [ she nods ] Hmm? Yeah? Terrific! Terrifico! Bueno! Uh… you are a virgin, right?

[ Executive #2 translates ] [ the nun throws the contract down and walks away ]

Nun: DAMN YOU, Father Sarducci!

[ dissolve to Los Angeles, California ] [ the executives sit in a bar, feeling sorry for themselves ]

NBC Executive #1: What’s the use? We failed. It’s not our fault! There are no virgins anywhere! Except my mother.

[ Gail Matthius crashes up to the bar ]

Gail Matthius: [ to the bartender ] Hey, excuse me! Excuse me, Mac! Hey! Hey! You — you, like, got special people that come in here, like, say, movie stars or celebrities or, like, TV physicists? You got those in here? You got, like — okay! Okay! So, Carl Sagan. Don’t look at me like that! I’m not on drugs or something! I don’t do drugs! I don’t do no booze! I don’t even do no SEX, man! I don’t even do S-E-X! [ Executive #1 taps her shoulder ] What?! Hey! What?! You probably thinknig why I dont’ even do sex, right?

NBC Executive #1: Uh — did you say you’re a virgin?

Gail Matthius: That’s right! I’m saving myself for Carl Sagan!

NBC Executive #1: A virgin?

Gail Matthius: I’m saving myself for Carl Sagan! That’s right!

NBC Executive #1: We’ve found a virgin!

Gail Matthius: [ confused ] What?

NBC Executives: [ toasting their glasses ] A VIRGIN!!!

Gail Matthius: Carl Sagan!

NBC Executive #1: Come with me…

Gail Matthius: You know Carl Sagan?

NBC Executive #1: Right this way.

Gail Matthius: Hey, what’s the deal?!

[ they help drag her out of the bar ] [ dissolve back to 30 Rockefeller ]

Head NBC Executive: Miss Matthius — may I call you Gail?

Gail Matthius: Yeah, sure! You can call me anything you like! But, listen — these guys hauled me in here! I think they know who Carl Sagan is! You know him?

Head NBC Executive: A lot of potential…

Gail Matthius: Do you know Carl Sagan?!

Head NBC Executive: Definitely a lot of potential.

Gail Matthius: Carl Sagan! You know him?!

Head NBC Executive: Yes… you’re absolutely perfect.

Gail Matthius: [ confused ] Huh?

[ dissolve back to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, with the theme from “Network” playing ]

Gail Matthius V/O: It just goes to show you! Even in America, things like this can still happen! Huh!

[ fade ]

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