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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 5
80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance
The Virgin Search
Head NBC Executive…..??
NBC Executive #1…..Matthew Laurance
NBC Executive #2…..Mitchell Kriegman
NBC Executive #3…..Neil Levy
Deborah Lynn Faulkner / French girl / Nun / herself…..Gail Matthius
[ open on exterior, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, with the theme from “Network” playing ]
[ dissolve to NBC executives entering the head executive’s office ]
Head NBC Executive: You know what I have here, team? A software printout from our in-depth hardware research.
NBC Executive #2: Fabulous!
NBC Executive #1: Perfect! Great! Terrific!
Head NBC Executive: Now, cool it. Now, cool it. Here she is: Sophisticated, yet naive.
NBC Executive #1: Naive! Naive!
Head NBC Executive: Typical, yet unique in a girl-next-door kind of way.
NBC Executive #1: Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!
Head NBC Executive: Your job, team —
NBC Executive #1: Uh-huh?
Head NBC Executive: Go out and FIND her.
NBC Executive #1: No problem!
[ the executives stand so start their mission ]
Head NBC Executive: One other thing!
[ they sit ]
Head NBC Executive: She’s gotta be a virgin.
NBC Executive #2: A virgin?
[ dissolve to Anytown, U.S.A., during high school footgame ]
[ the executives spot a cheerleader jumping on the field ]
NBC Executive #1: That’s her! Hold on to these [ he hands his fellow executive a pair of binoculars and begins to climb through the crowd ] Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!
[ the executive jumps the stands onto the field and approaches the cheerleader ]
NBC Executive #1: Miss Deborah Lynn Faulkner?
Deborah Lynn Faulkner: Ah sure am!
NBC Executive #1: I’m with the NBC Company, and I’m in power to offer you a contract with “Saturday Night Live.” Are you a fan of the show?
Deborah Lynn Faulkner: Ah sure am!
NBC Executive #1: Great! There’s just one thing. Uh, you are a virgin, aren’t you?
Deborah Lynn Faulkner: [ excited ] I sure — [ realizes she’s not, tries to cover herself ] I — [ NBC Executive turns away ] Wait!
[ dissolve to Paris, France ]
[ the executives sit at an outdoor cafe as a group of schoolchildren pass by ]
NBC Executive #1: [ he approaches a young French girl ] Uh — Mademoiselle? Uh — excuse moi, uh — uh — parlez-vous English? Anglais?
French Girl: Oui, Monsieur.
NBC Executive #1: Uh — uh — Êtes-vous une… une… a virgin?
French Girl: Qu’est-ce que virgin?
NBC Executive #1: [ to his fellow executives ] How do you say “virgin”?
NBC Executive #2: [ looking it up ] Vierge. Vierge.
NBC Executive #1: [ to the French girl ] Un vierge?
French Girl: [ giggling ] Uh, no, Monsieur! Monsieur Roman Polanski et moi! [ she laughs and runs off ]
[ dissolve to Rome, Italy ]
[ a group of nuns walk through a conservatory ]
NBC Executive #1: Uh — uh — Sister? May I speak with you for just a minute? Uh — how would you like to be a big, American TV star? Uh — big bucks! Pictures for People magazine! [ she nods ] Hmm? Yeah? Terrific! Terrifico! Bueno! Uh… you are a virgin, right?
[ Executive #2 translates ]
[ the nun throws the contract down and walks away ]
Nun: DAMN YOU, Father Sarducci!
[ dissolve to Los Angeles, California ]
[ the executives sit in a bar, feeling sorry for themselves ]
NBC Executive #1: What’s the use? We failed. It’s not our fault! There are no virgins anywhere! Except my mother.
[ Gail Matthius crashes up to the bar ]
Gail Matthius: [ to the bartender ] Hey, excuse me! Excuse me, Mac! Hey! Hey! You — you, like, got special people that come in here, like, say, movie stars or celebrities or, like, TV physicists? You got those in here? You got, like — okay! Okay! So, Carl Sagan. Don’t look at me like that! I’m not on drugs or something! I don’t do drugs! I don’t do no booze! I don’t even do no SEX, man! I don’t even do S-E-X! [ Executive #1 taps her shoulder ] What?! Hey! What?! You probably thinknig why I dont’ even do sex, right?
NBC Executive #1: Uh — did you say you’re a virgin?
Gail Matthius: That’s right! I’m saving myself for Carl Sagan!
NBC Executive #1: A virgin?
Gail Matthius: I’m saving myself for Carl Sagan! That’s right!
NBC Executive #1: We’ve found a virgin!
Gail Matthius: [ confused ] What?
NBC Executives: [ toasting their glasses ] A VIRGIN!!!
Gail Matthius: Carl Sagan!
NBC Executive #1: Come with me…
Gail Matthius: You know Carl Sagan?
NBC Executive #1: Right this way.
Gail Matthius: Hey, what’s the deal?!
[ they help drag her out of the bar ]
[ dissolve back to 30 Rockefeller ]
Head NBC Executive: Miss Matthius — may I call you Gail?
Gail Matthius: Yeah, sure! You can call me anything you like! But, listen — these guys hauled me in here! I think they know who Carl Sagan is! You know him?
Head NBC Executive: A lot of potential…
Gail Matthius: Do you know Carl Sagan?!
Head NBC Executive: Definitely a lot of potential.
Gail Matthius: Carl Sagan! You know him?!
Head NBC Executive: Yes… you’re absolutely perfect.
Gail Matthius: [ confused ] Huh?
[ dissolve back to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, with the theme from “Network” playing ]
Gail Matthius V/O: It just goes to show you! Even in America, things like this can still happen! Huh!
[ fade ]
Thanks for the comprehensive overview. Very helpful!