SNL Transcripts: David Carradine: 12/20/80: The Virgin Search



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

The Virgin Search

Head NBC Executive…..??
NBC Executive #1…..Matthew Laurance
NBC Executive #2…..Mitchell Kriegman
NBC Executive #3…..Neil Levy
Deborah Lynn Faulkner / French girl / Nun / herself…..Gail Matthius

[ open on exterior, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, with the theme from “Network” playing ] [ dissolve to NBC executives entering the head executive’s office ]

Head NBC Executive: You know what I have here, team? A software printout from our in-depth hardware research.

NBC Executive #2: Fabulous!

NBC Executive #1: Perfect! Great! Terrific!

Head NBC Executive: Now, cool it. Now, cool it. Here she is: Sophisticated, yet naive.

NBC Executive #1: Naive! Naive!

Head NBC Executive: Typical, yet unique in a girl-next-door kind of way.

NBC Executive #1: Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!

Head NBC Executive: Your job, team —

NBC Executive #1: Uh-huh?

Head NBC Executive: Go out and FIND her.

NBC Executive #1: No problem!

[ the executives stand so start their mission ]

Head NBC Executive: One other thing!

[ they sit ]

Head NBC Executive: She’s gotta be a virgin.

NBC Executive #2: A virgin?

[ dissolve to Anytown, U.S.A., during high school footgame ] [ the executives spot a cheerleader jumping on the field ]

NBC Executive #1: That’s her! Hold on to these [ he hands his fellow executive a pair of binoculars and begins to climb through the crowd ] Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!

[ the executive jumps the stands onto the field and approaches the cheerleader ]

NBC Executive #1: Miss Deborah Lynn Faulkner?

Deborah Lynn Faulkner: Ah sure am!

NBC Executive #1: I’m with the NBC Company, and I’m in power to offer you a contract with “Saturday Night Live.” Are you a fan of the show?

Deborah Lynn Faulkner: Ah sure am!

NBC Executive #1: Great! There’s just one thing. Uh, you are a virgin, aren’t you?

Deborah Lynn Faulkner: [ excited ] I sure — [ realizes she’s not, tries to cover herself ] I — [ NBC Executive turns away ] Wait!

[ dissolve to Paris, France ] [ the executives sit at an outdoor cafe as a group of schoolchildren pass by ]

NBC Executive #1: [ he approaches a young French girl ] Uh — Mademoiselle? Uh — excuse moi, uh — uh — parlez-vous English? Anglais?

French Girl: Oui, Monsieur.

NBC Executive #1: Uh — uh — Êtes-vous une… une… a virgin?

French Girl: Qu’est-ce que virgin?

NBC Executive #1: [ to his fellow executives ] How do you say “virgin”?

NBC Executive #2: [ looking it up ] Vierge. Vierge.

NBC Executive #1: [ to the French girl ] Un vierge?

French Girl: [ giggling ] Uh, no, Monsieur! Monsieur Roman Polanski et moi! [ she laughs and runs off ] [ dissolve to Rome, Italy ] [ a group of nuns walk through a conservatory ]

NBC Executive #1: Uh — uh — Sister? May I speak with you for just a minute? Uh — how would you like to be a big, American TV star? Uh — big bucks! Pictures for People magazine! [ she nods ] Hmm? Yeah? Terrific! Terrifico! Bueno! Uh… you are a virgin, right?

[ Executive #2 translates ] [ the nun throws the contract down and walks away ]

Nun: DAMN YOU, Father Sarducci!

[ dissolve to Los Angeles, California ] [ the executives sit in a bar, feeling sorry for themselves ]

NBC Executive #1: What’s the use? We failed. It’s not our fault! There are no virgins anywhere! Except my mother.

[ Gail Matthius crashes up to the bar ]

Gail Matthius: [ to the bartender ] Hey, excuse me! Excuse me, Mac! Hey! Hey! You — you, like, got special people that come in here, like, say, movie stars or celebrities or, like, TV physicists? You got those in here? You got, like — okay! Okay! So, Carl Sagan. Don’t look at me like that! I’m not on drugs or something! I don’t do drugs! I don’t do no booze! I don’t even do no SEX, man! I don’t even do S-E-X! [ Executive #1 taps her shoulder ] What?! Hey! What?! You probably thinknig why I dont’ even do sex, right?

NBC Executive #1: Uh — did you say you’re a virgin?

Gail Matthius: That’s right! I’m saving myself for Carl Sagan!

NBC Executive #1: A virgin?

Gail Matthius: I’m saving myself for Carl Sagan! That’s right!

NBC Executive #1: We’ve found a virgin!

Gail Matthius: [ confused ] What?

NBC Executives: [ toasting their glasses ] A VIRGIN!!!

Gail Matthius: Carl Sagan!

NBC Executive #1: Come with me…

Gail Matthius: You know Carl Sagan?

NBC Executive #1: Right this way.

Gail Matthius: Hey, what’s the deal?!

[ they help drag her out of the bar ] [ dissolve back to 30 Rockefeller ]

Head NBC Executive: Miss Matthius — may I call you Gail?

Gail Matthius: Yeah, sure! You can call me anything you like! But, listen — these guys hauled me in here! I think they know who Carl Sagan is! You know him?

Head NBC Executive: A lot of potential…

Gail Matthius: Do you know Carl Sagan?!

Head NBC Executive: Definitely a lot of potential.

Gail Matthius: Carl Sagan! You know him?!

Head NBC Executive: Yes… you’re absolutely perfect.

Gail Matthius: [ confused ] Huh?

[ dissolve back to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, with the theme from “Network” playing ]

Gail Matthius V/O: It just goes to show you! Even in America, things like this can still happen! Huh!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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